It's always a girl, I swear

[jadam318]

Dude, you got it bad.

My $.02 (if it even matters):

She sounds like she is keeping you on the back burner and enjoying the attention you're giving her.

Find another (single) girl to take your interest.

Of course, this is the correct and logical response, but in matters of the heart, what good is that?

While the French Foreign Legion might seem outdated, the United States Marine Corps offers a three month course of therapy, followed by year long tours of exotic locations, that makes most young men come to revile the thought of the young lady whose charms prompted the spur-of-the-moment enlistment.

YMMV, of course.

If you really want to draw her in, cut her loose and start ignoring her.

She's craving your attention, and once it's gone she'll be chasing YOU for a change.

Sounds crazy, right? It works. These are just the games the young women play. If you're gonna play, know the rules.

+1 to each of these.......well.......almost each of these.

I would have a hard time becoming the back up; the guy she knows will always be there.

Oh, she's not. She has guys coming onto her all the time but she behaves.

It's funny... neither of us is actually open to the hook-up thing o_o I'm playing for keeps and she's not going to go screwing around behind her guy's back. This is... a very misplaced scene for a bar.

I like that you seem to have a strong set of morals in you. Whatever happens, don't compromise that.

I think you should invite her somewhere to have a chat with her and understand what's going on. Try a restaurant where you will actually be able to have a conversation without shouting. A Cafe is usually great too.

This sounds like good logic. The easiest way to find out what she's thinking is to ask her. Don't assume.....never assume!

 

[jadam318]

This is taking me exactly away from where I want my life to go but I don't friggin' care. I'll live.

This sounds off to me. It seems to me that you would want (it's what I want, anyway) a girl who is headed in a direction that mimics/reflects/supports/whatever where you're headed. Better think this through, man. At the very least, talk to her about it. Find out if she is willing to dump that dude for you or if she is just stringing you along for the ride first. Then find out where she's headed with her life and if y'all stand a chance.

Then again, take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm as single as it gets to be 27. Of course, I'm also not trapped in some kind of dead end, unhealthy, ball and chain type relationship, either.

 

[bluefoxicy]

This sounds off to me. It seems to me that you would want (it's what I want, anyway) a girl who is

no.

I have zero dating experience.

I avoid relationships like a plague of DEATH.

I'm simply not comfortable in a relationship. My life goals don't reflect the whole... thing... whatever.

However, as a secondary result, I don't have a list of "What I need in a girl." It's a losing battle. By necessity, the best I can do is count and accept my losses. Something in me is telling me I NEED to go for this, so I'm going absofrigginlutely crazy, but I've prepared myself for the consequences.

I can only assume I'm nuts.

 

[jadam318]

no.

I have zero dating experience.

I avoid relationships like a plague of DEATH.

I'm simply not comfortable in a relationship. My life goals don't reflect the whole... thing... whatever.

However, as a secondary result, I don't have a list of "What I need in a girl." It's a losing battle. By necessity, the best I can do is count and accept my losses. Something in me is telling me I NEED to go for this, so I'm going absofrigginlutely crazy, but I've prepared myself for the consequences.

I can only assume I'm nuts.

Oh. I misunderstood. Yeah, you just need to talk to her, man. Best of luck to you! Let us know how it goes. Just don't back out!!!

 

[bluefoxicy]

Oh. I misunderstood. Yeah, you just need to talk to her, man. Best of luck to you! Let us know how it goes. Just don't back out!!!

Backing out would be the less painful way to lose.

I like my failures to be as spectacular as possible. Quitting isn't good enough. If I'm going to lose this one, I'm going to get within the closest margin of pulling it off, then get shot down and land face first full speed.

Yeah, it's the worst way to go out; but if you can just dodge that last bullet....

 

[omarwashington]

wow you really have it bad!
Why not be a gentleman and try for another woman for she is already taken.
discipline my friend

 

[Tom Ford]

Dude, you got it bad.

My $.02 (if it even matters):

She sounds like she is keeping you on the back burner and enjoying the attention you're giving her.

Find another (single) girl to take your interest.

+1, and pronto. You're in the 'lets just be friends' zone. Don't be seeing her or contacting her for at least TWO weeks, preferably four.

Next time you catch up, introduce her to your new girlfriend, or at least be with another girl (buddy's sister, make sure she's hot) and give that impression.

Good luck

 

[Muirtach]

I'm not prepared for life I swear.

As Van Morrison said, "My momma told me, there'd be days like this"

 

[Tolduonce]

There's also a slim chance she was rocking the Veg, but it kills most women who try it.

Rockin' the LV and not dead? That can mean only one thing, Dude.
or
Rockin' the LV and not dead? That can mean only one thing. Dude.

The key to reading these kinda situations, learned from years of experience, is knowing the difference between a period and a comma. Trust me, you are not in a comma situation. I have a British Islander friend who calls commas "full stops." Just sayin'.

 

[Tom Ford]

These are one in the same. I'm seriously considering making some stronger (read: more committed) moves... actually I'm considering flat out asking her out to dinner. There's a whole hugely complex process around this (I can't just walk up and ask her, she'll say no) but...

Well. She doesn't mind me trying, at the very least. She's encouraging it.

I need to stop shaking so damn much, step up and put my *** on the line. I'll probably make an *** of myself but it doesn't f*@king matter if you don't care; I've already proven this in practice, no matter how much stupid s*@$ you do in public, people don't hold it against you if you don't give a crap. Bad dancing, bad guitar playing, falling out of your chair... a couple flubbed passes aren't going to slow me down, I can recover that easy, if she laughs that's a good thing.

Ugh now if I can just stop being a coward and go do it.

This is taking me exactly away from where I want my life to go but I don't friggin' care. I'll live.

DO NOT DO THIS!! She's playing with you as previously pointed out. If you have to, ok do what you gotta do, at the end of the day her answer is irrelevant. Its about you and you doing what you feel is necessary.

If it doesn't work out favorably, its a clean break for at 3 months. You never know where she might fit into your future, but being friends immediately after laying everything on the line isn't helping you if you want a relationship with her, unless you're happy with being friends.

 

[Mycon]

DO NOT DO THIS!! She's playing with you as previously pointed out. If you have to, ok do what you gotta do, at the end of the day her answer is irrelevant. Its about you and you doing what you feel is necessary.

If it doesn't work out favorably, its a clean break for at 3 months. You never know where she might fit into your future, but being friends immediately after laying everything on the line isn't helping you if you want a relationship with her, unless you're happy with being friends.

+1000

Dude this is giving me flashbacks from my senior year of high school. The uncertain answers, the sheer flood of hormones that simply annihilate logical thought...I thought that she was the exact one for me. I had visions of our future together. I put myself through 5 months of hell.
Essentially I know EXACTLY how you feel.

My advice, end it! Right now she's all you think about, but as long as she keeps messing with your head you will never have peace. Eventually I had to follow the advice of one of my teachers:
"An answer of NO is better than no answer at all."
Boy was she right. It felt like tearing out my own abdomen with my bare hands, but at least I wasn't in limbo anymore.
I'm not sure how old you are, but a complete blackout of all communications for several months will restart your head. I mean even going out of your way to avoid running into her at the store or something.

 

[Mycon]

Hah, and Pandora provides the purist of irony by playing the song Head Games by Foreigner as I survey this thread..

 

[bluefoxicy]

She's playing with you as previously pointed out. If you have to, ok do what you gotta do, at the end of the day her answer is irrelevant. Its about you and you doing what you feel is necessary.

Though this is a special case... I think she's as confused as I am. The thing is I can get back everything I have to lose at any time by walking away, no matter what happens; she flat out loses it. She has to make this hard for me... but if things start moving along, it's going to get just as hard for her, just closer to the end.

Running away is the easy answer. But you're right, I just have to. As for just friends... not good enough, but even if I'm doomed to failure it's still worth it just to make her smile once in a while. Yeah I know, I'm way too far gone.

Patience is both a strength and a weakness.

 

[40boy]

She is playing you for attention. You need some perspective. Actions speak louder than words.

Google "The Ladder Theory". Learn it. Live it. You're welcome.

 

[bluefoxicy]

She is playing you for attention. You need some perspective. Actions speak louder than words.

Then perhaps I should man up and take some action. :|

 

[professorchaos]

Settle down, lad.

It's a chemical effect pretty young ladies have on young men.

You can counteract it by introducing matrimony.


There's also a slim chance she was rocking the Veg, but it kills most women who try it.

Or a few kids.

 

[jjjackso]

dont play her games. Move on.

 

[Muirtach]

Then perhaps I should man up and take some action. :|

And the best action would be to get up and walk away.

 

[sweetzen]

And the best action would be to get up and walk away.

That really isn't a bad idea, but I have an alternative for you:

I disagree with the idea that she's playing with you and simply using you to get some extra attention on the side. It's just as likely that she's being completely honest with you (or at least as honest as she's being with herself). It seems to me that you're trying to force a resolution into a situation in which there isn't really a problem.

I have some questions for you: why are you hanging out with her? Is she really a good friend to you, or do you just go out with her because you're hoping THIS will be the time when you will be able to make your move? Do you honestly enjoy her company, or is she just a fantasy for you?

The thing is, if you try to force the situation, and it isn't what she wants, you will lose her as a friend (assuming that's what she is now). Do you want that? And what if your dream situation comes true, and she really does leave her boyfriend for you... but remains conflicted about it? If she's not ready to make that decision, then forcing your timetable on her is simply not going to work.

Timing is everything, and you can't change the pace at which she is doing things.

For instance, my wife is the sort of person who makes decisions very slowly, considers all the angles, and always has a backup plan in case of catastrophic failure. She files information away and lets it rest for weeks, sometimes even months, before she finally lets out a sigh of relief and feels comfortable with her choice. I'm just the opposite. I make a quick judgment, cut my losses, and move on. But what I've learned is that neither way is right or wrong, and I have to respect her pace. Likewise, she has to know that when I need something to get done, I am going to do it, even if it isn't exactly what she would do. We compromise, because we realize it isn't about who wins or who loses.

Are you trying to win here? Because it seems to me like you're trying to force a quick resolution into this situation because you're all caught up in your attraction to her. But it's YOUR attraction. Own it, but don't ask her to take responsibility for it. It's not her fault that you're smitten.

I'd suggest that you keep your flirtatious friendship (or whatever you'd call it) with her, and yet respect her boundaries around her boyfriend. I'd also suggest that you bring up your attraction to her in a non-threatening way... and in a way that makes it clear you're not asking her to choose you over him.

At that same time, and this is very important, don't wait for her. Don't pine after her. You've got to figure out how to be attracted to someone without having to have them. The real way to "man up" in this situation is not to let yourself be led around by your feelings like a dog on a leash. Don't dismiss them; enjoy them. Just don't be a slave to them.

When you figure out a way to do all these things, I think you'll have an answer you can both be happy with.

Hey, it's your life, and your choice. This is just my perspective. Good luck!

 

[professorchaos]

And the best action would be to get up and walk away.

Ideally, yes. For better or worse, with a lot of women that is a recipe to make her redouble her efforts. Go for it if you want more attention. Should you want less, and I can't why you would, follow her around like a puppy.