Heard this today

[luvmysuper]

I went to dinner at a friends house, and he had a coffee table book by an artist named Rorschak.
I looked at it, and every single page was a painting of my parents fighting.

 

[luvmysuper]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses here".
Helium doesn't react.

 

[luvmysuper]

A mathematician is having a cup of coffee and watching a house across the street.
Two people walk up and enter the house.
A few minutes later, three people leave the house.
The mathematician says to himself "If one more person enters the house, it will be empty".

 

[luvmysuper]

It’s hard to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.

 

[luvmysuper]

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

 

[luvmysuper]

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

 

[luvmysuper]

A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here".
The Higgs Boson replies "But without me, you can't have Mass".

 

[luvmysuper]

A Logicians wife tells him "Go to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen".
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk.

 

[luvmysuper]

There are only two difficult things in Computer Science.
1. Cache invalidation
2. Naming routines
3. Off-by-one errors

 

[luvmysuper]

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

 

[luvmysuper]

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

 

[luvmysuper]

A mathematician walks into a sandwich shop and sees a sign that reads, "Home of the Mean Grilled Cheese!."
So he orders the grilled cheese. When his bill arrives the waitress asks him how he liked the sandwich.
He replies "It was average."

 

[bosseb]

CF

There are only two difficult things in Computer Science.
1. Cache invalidation
2. Naming routines
3. Off-by-one errors

 

[ouch]

That's gold, Phil. Gold!

 

[luvmysuper]

Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway and get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg if he was aware of how fast he was going.
Heisenberg says no.
The cop replies, "You were going 108 miles per hour."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and says, "Great! Now I'm lost."

 

[luvmysuper]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a room, followed by Batman.

 

[luvmysuper]

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlovs Dog and Schrodingers cat.
She said "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not".

 

[ouch]

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a room, followed by Batman.

Okay, that one actually took me five or ten seconds to get. Nice!

 

[luvmysuper]

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink.
Descartes says "I think not", and disappears.

 

[luvmysuper]

"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"