My girl question

[VR6ofpain]

I think you got Just friended.

The fact that you are accompanying her to this party of a guy who she's dated means that you probably are in the friend territory. I agree with the above assessment, she probably likes the attention which means there is some insecurity there.

Yes and yes. Cut off communication now. You are wasting your time with this girl. If she was interested in you, she would have made it more obvious to you. She wants to be your friend, nothing more.

Sorry buddy. Time to start looking again.

 

[ogopogo]

It's been long enough. Forget the talk and just make a move. If she doesn't respond favourably after all this time, then you know where you stand. Simple as that. So just get her in a good mood, a drink or two, some laughs, and move in for the kiss.

I agree 100% with this.

But I got a big *** pot of beef stew now. Anyone want some? Sheesh.

Stew always tastes better the next few days anyway.

There is still the real possibility that she still likes you. But after just getting out of a 4.5 years relationship with a live-in boyfriend (that's longer than some marriages have lasted) she might have had cold feet in the beginning.

But too much time is already been wasted . Too many "just friends" dates is making things more difficult. Just make your move next time you see her. Like mongol said; get in a good mood, have fun, a couple of drinks...But don't start talking about "dating" or the possibility of "having a relationship"... If she likes you that way she won't turn you down, she might even ask you "what took you so long". But just don't start with the "relationship" or "date" talk afterward either....that just makes you sound needy. If she turns you down then at least you'll know for sure that is time to move on, and you won't be left to wonder "what if".

 

[Johnny Dale]

I am so glad that dating is far in the past.

However I would have a lot of fun if if I was to go back in time with the knowledge I have now.

 

[perry]

I tossed and turned half the night and ended up sending a brief farewell message around 2:30AM. I was actually just going to save it as a draft and hit the wrong button. Oh well. I guess that's what I really meant to do. Sucky, but probably healthiest for the long term. Thanks for the advice, guys and gals.

 

[raisindot]

Dude, what I'm saying is: "be in charge - lead, don't follow."


2. Go about a week without initiating any contact; if she initiates contact, again be cordial, but brief - she isn't the center of your universe. After about a week, call her on the phone, and ask her on a proper date. Be specific, propose the day and time and leave it up to her to give you a simple yes/no.

3. If she says yes, make sure you have something memorable planned. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant, but make sure it's memorable, and make sure it gives you some time alone at some point. If she says no to a very clear and specific date offer, walk away.

No, no, no, no no. Drop the pot off when she's gone, with no note or anything. End it. Be done with it. Don't call her. Move on. If you do, she'll start playing the same games with you again and you'll be back at square one. If she calls you, be cordial, say "gotta date, honey, gotta go," hang up. Don't answer texts--this is a just a way of avoding real communication. This one is a born manipulator, who's playing in the shallow end of the pool with the gupplies until the barricuda of her dreams comes along. You will never be anything more than a doormat to her. Cut and run. You deserve far better.

Jeff in Boston

 

[blackfoot]

I'm not sure I agree with all that. Some of the people I know with the strongest relationships started out as friends first.

I agree. In fact, I am one of those "Not one, not a single one" stories that don't exist. The main difference was, the roles were reversed. I initially had zero interest in dating the woman that i now been my wife for ten years.

I am so glad that dating is far in the past.

However I would have a lot of fun if if I was to go back in time with the knowledge I have now.

+!

 

[mparker762]

I was actually just going to save it as a draft and hit the wrong button. Oh well.

Protip: enter the address right before you're ready to send. That way you'll get an error when you hit send by accident...

Protip 2: never send a girl an email in the middle of the night unless you've got a really good excuse for being up (game went 15 innings, Three Stooges marathon, etc), unless you're engaged/married to her. Not even to break up - especially not to break up, and especially if she's unaware that she's in a one-sided relationsihp. It's gotta come across as one of those things that you just happened to think about while getting a beer from the fridge, not as something that you agonized about like a girl.

 

[Strikermike]

Here is a some what short story. The girl that loved me the best (and still does), is the one I paid the least attention to. 30 years ago I had two large Cockatoos. I had had 2 very casual dates with Lisa and needed someone to watch my birds while I went to DC to visit an older girlfriend to see if things might work out. While I was away Lisa defrosted my fridge and cleaned the apartment. I was only 25 and deep into my bachelor hood so these things were sorely needed. Well, things did not go well in DC so I came home early. Lisa never moved out and that will be 28 years ago in July. I guess my moral is you have been paying way too much attention to this girl. Don't say good by like you are mad or hurt, just kind of fade away If she is interested she will start making excuses to be with you. Time to play it cool though.

 

[mparker762]

While I was away Lisa defrosted my fridge and cleaned the apartment.

Nesting behavior is a pretty solid sign the girl is interested

 

[perry]

Maybe I shoulda just done things my way and not asked strangers to begin with?? Everyone has something different to say. She enjoyed my company. I enjoyed hers. That was an important first step. Maybe I was just someone for her to complain to. Who knows. I guess I am second guessing myself now while sitting through a slow day at work.

I can see how you guys think she was abusing me but hell I cooked food I liked and it was pretty simple stuff really. Chili, enchiladas, Italian beef, beef stew. $5 bottle of wine one time. Most of the time she drank water!

It wasn't a one sided relationship. No doubt in my mind that we were friends. I just felt that she abused the friendship and was very annoyed.

Ah well. Live and learn. C'est la vie.

 

[ogopogo]

Protip 2: never send a girl an email in the middle of the night unless you've got a really good excuse for being up (game went 15 innings, Three Stooges marathon, etc), unless you're engaged/married to her. Not even to break up - especially not to break up, and especially if she's unaware that she's in a one-sided relationsihp. It's gotta come across as one of those things that you just happened to think about while getting a beer from the fridge, not as something that you agonized about like a girl.

Big +1 on this one.

that was a bad move.

 

[KarthVader]

You know, I don't mind it when girls complain to me, but the second it gets into their relationship problems or dating problems, I immediately lose interest.

I am not here for you to talk to me about relationship issues. That's what your girlfriends are for.

Perry, this chick may have been nice to you and gave you really great company, but if she is your 'friend' she wouldn't have bailed on dinner the other night. Friends have the decency to tell each other if they aren't going to make it. What she did, seems like a test girls make guys go through. It's pure nonsense. If you pander to their every wish and whim, a girl will probably treat you like crap.

Ditch the broad and get back to hunting.

 

[Dan Forest]

Life always gives us a choice as to how we choose to express ourselves. We choose which Life situation we are going to give our time and energy to. We may be fully "present" (conscious) or partially "present" to the Life situation we are choosing to deal with. You have chosen to give your time and energy to the situation you have shared with this group. This situation is about you and the choices you make for yourself. It is not about what she has "done to you".

People respond to situations in a conscious or unconscious way, so that they get what they want (positively or negatively) that fulfills their concept of their self. What choices have you made for yourself in dealing with this situation? You say you don't like "games", but are you playing "games" in this relationship and within yourself? Have you expressed yourself in an open, honest, clean (not passive/aggressive) and clear way? Do you really want to? Have you asked her the questions that would give you clear answers as to why she has behaved or responded to you or the situations the way she has? Do you really want to know the answers? Have you felt fear in dealing with this situation? Why? There are many questions you could ask yourself about this situation. The answers you give yourself are related to your desire to become "present".

I am giving my time and energy this thread because it satisfies Me. I am remembering what I have learned and am reinforcing it within myself.

 

[perry]

Interesting, Dan. Thanks.

There are unanswered questions. Do I want to know the answers? I took the "easy" way out, so I guess I didn't. I don't feel good about it and there's not really a way back from the way I worded things. I didn't want there to be. The way I felt, in the end, was more about the betrayal as a friend than about fear of romantic rejection. I'm sure they are tied together but... Maybe I did what I did so I wouldn't have to fear and face what I knew was coming?

There are many lessons to be learned here.

As for writing in the middle of the night. It made no difference this time really, and getting it sent may have been better for me. I'll keep that in mind in the future though.

 

[Legion]

I am giving my time and energy this thread because it satisfies Me. I am remembering what I have learned and am reinforcing it within myself.

+1 with this thought.

 

[The Knize]

Interesting, Dan. Thanks.

There are unanswered questions. Do I want to know the answers? I took the "easy" way out, so I guess I didn't. I don't feel good about it and there's not really a way back from the way I worded things. I didn't want there to be. The way I felt, in the end, was more about the betrayal as a friend than about fear of romantic rejection. I'm sure they are tied together but... Maybe I did what I did so I wouldn't have to fear and face what I knew was coming?

There are many lessons to be learned here.

As for writing in the middle of the night. It made no difference this time really, and getting it sent may have been better for me. I'll keep that in mind in the future though.

I just skimmed this thread. I have not been following it all along.

Seems like you did fine to me, Perry. It is okay and natural for one or another or both of male-female friends to start falling for the other romantically. It is okay and natural for that to often be uneven. And it is okay to feel a little hurt when it is. And it sure as heck is appropriate to create some space when one concludes that one is feelling overly involved for the circumstances. Sometimes it is a little messier than one might have liked, but what the heck--feellings and romance are not rational.

When things settle down for you, you could even tell her you were startinng to have those feelings and you thought it best for the both of you to back it off. But you have to stay backed off, if you do that.