My girl question

[Legion]

He said she's come to his house pretty much every weekend for a couple of months. She's got to be at least somewhat interested. Plenty of chances - but has yet to make a move. He's been a gentleman this long, so more talk a la being a gentleman isn't going anywhere here. Essentially he's waiting for her to give the ok before making a move, and women don't like that at all.

I don't know if I would say they don't like it. But it is true a lot of them will not feel comfortable giving the OK because then they feel like they are making the first move, leaving themselves open to possible rejection. It's one of those stupid games people often play when they are courting. Nobody wants to risk being rejected and feeling foolish. So they back and forth with little hints until one has the guts (or gets drunk enough) to make a move. My problem has always been that I lacked the confidence to see the woman's signals for what they were. Or, if I did see them, doubted whether I was just imagining them.

My current SWMBO, who is about as subtle as half a brick in a sock, plays no games whatsoever. When she found out I was single again she got in touch with me and basically said "You know I've liked you for a long time. I'm coming through your town in a few weeks. If it is OK with you I'd like to visit with you for a few days and see what happens." I tell you, although this level of forwardness was a little unusual and daunting at first, the lack of BS and game playing was very refreshing. And we are still together, so...

 

[Legion]

I'm trying not to let it get in to my head. I'm willing to walk away before laying it out with the way she behaved today. I didn't do anything to bring on that sort of response. How hard would it have been to tell me this morning that she was feeling bad? Why wait and let me cook the food? I really believe she had no intention of coming over tonight. She coulda said this morning, "Hey, I'm feeling bad today. Don't cook the stew, we can just order pizza if I feel good enough to come over."

I think CEFranklin said what I really needed to hear. Or his wife did. I'd sent her an email asking if she wanted to come eat the leftovers on Monday. If she doesn't respond, then I'll leave that damn crockpot on her doorstep and be done with it. If it wasn't for that silly thing... I'll be bored for a couple days without all our text messaging, but I think it's best for me at this point. I don't care what coulda been. I'm convinced she isn't worth my time any more. Thanks folks

Well, sounds like a decision made. Fair enough.

 

[mongol]

In that case, what have you got to lose by giving it one more go? You'll feel more relaxed about the whole situation knowing that you're willing to walk away if things don't work out. Also, this will definitely make you more attractive to her if she's at all interested.

 

[mongol]

My current SWMBO, who is about as subtle as half a brick in a sock, plays no games whatsoever. When she found out I was single again she got in touch with me and basically said "You know I've liked you for a long time. I'm coming through your town in a few weeks. If it is OK with you I'd like to visit with you for a few days and see what happens." I tell you, although this level of forwardness was a little unusual and daunting at first, the lack of BS and game playing was very refreshing. And we are still together, so...

Nice...sounds like a good one!

 

[perry]

In that case, what have you got to lose by giving it one more go? You'll feel more relaxed about the whole situation knowing that you're willing to walk away if things don't work out. Also, this will definitely make you more attractive to her if she's at all interested.

More of the toying and games? If she says yes and strings me a long then where am I? I've seen enough responses to realize I'm being played.

I'm at the point where I don't really care if she is interested. Standing me up the way she did, regardless of how she feels, is just nonsense. Why put myself in a situation to have to deal with it more?

 

[mongol]

More of the toying and games? If she says yes and strings me a long then where am I? I've seen enough responses to realize I'm being played.

I'm at the point where I don't really care if she is interested. Standing me up the way she did, regardless of how she feels, is just nonsense. Why put myself in a situation to have to deal with it more?

Well, in your first post you mentioned she's a nice enough person that you'd like to keep as a friend. So I was taking that into account. Also, is it possible that she's become frustrated because you haven't made a move yet?

 

[Legion]

More of the toying and games? If she says yes and strings me a long then where am I? I've seen enough responses to realize I'm being played.

I'm at the point where I don't really care if she is interested. Standing me up the way she did, regardless of how she feels, is just nonsense. Why put myself in a situation to have to deal with it more?

Well, since you seem to be pretty sure about this, my next piece of advice will sound like a complete turn around to what I have previously said...

Give her the flick. Don't call her again. Leave the pot on her doorstep when she is guaranteed to be out, don't send her any more texts.

She will either a) Take this as a wakeup call that you will not be treated this badly and apologize and try to win you back. In which case you can decide what you want to do then, when you are not so pissed and it will then be on your terms. The balance of power will have shifted.
Or b) She will not call and you will have gotten the answer to the question I told you to ask except without the possibility of feeling embarrassed and awkward. At this point you walk away, dignity intact.

Basically, it sounds like this is now the situation and, if you have resigned yourself to possibly not seeing her any more, it is win/ win for you.

 

[blackfoot]

Well, since you seem to be pretty sure about this, my next piece of advice will sound like a complete turn around to what I have previously said...

Give her the flick. Don't call her again. Leave the pot on her doorstep when she is guaranteed to be out, don't send her any more texts.

She will either a) Take this as a wakeup call that you will not be treated this badly and apologize and try to win you back. In which case you can decide what you want to do then, when you are not so pissed and it will then be on your terms. The balance of power will have shifted.
Or b) She will not call and you will have gotten the answer to the question I told you to ask except without the possibility of feeling embarrassed and awkward. At this point you walk away, dignity intact.

Basically, it sounds like this is now the situation and, if you have resigned yourself to possibly not seeing her any more, it is win/ win for you.

Sounds about right.

 

[flatstick96]

Well, since you seem to be pretty sure about this, my next piece of advice will sound like a complete turn around to what I have previously said...

Give her the flick. Don't call her again. Leave the pot on her doorstep when she is guaranteed to be out, don't send her any more texts.

She will either a) Take this as a wakeup call that you will not be treated this badly and apologize and try to win you back. In which case you can decide what you want to do then, when you are not so pissed and it will then be on your terms. The balance of power will have shifted.
Or b) She will not call and you will have gotten the answer to the question I told you to ask except without the possibility of feeling embarrassed and awkward. At this point you walk away, dignity intact.

Basically, it sounds like this is now the situation and, if you have resigned yourself to possibly not seeing her any more, it is win/ win for you.

I agree.

A few years back I met a gal and we went out a few times. One particular Saturday night there was a live music performance I wanted to go see, and I invited her to go with me. We picked a bar near the music venue as a meeting place and agreed to head out together from there. When I got there, she'd been there for awhile - apparently she had run into some of her friends and they were all drinking and having a grand time. I'd met most of her friends on a couple of other occasions, and I didn't like them much - but I figured I could tolerate them for a couple of hours until she and I split to go see the band we'd planned on seeing.

As the time of the show was approaching, I suggested we better be making our way over to the other venue; she knew how badly I wanted to go to that show, but still she said:

"Actually, I'm having fun with my friends and I don't really want to go to the show now - why don't you come and hang out with me and my friends instead?"

My response: "Two reasons, actually. One, I don't particularly like your friends. Two, I already have plans - as you know, I'm going to Antone's. You are, of course, welcome to come with me - or you can choose to go with them - but I'm not hanging out with your friends, so it's either me or them...your choice."

She chose them, and that was fine - I went to a kick *** show by myself.

When I got home, my roommate asked how the "date" went, and I told him. He laughed and suggested I call this other hot girl I'd met recently. I said: "Yeah, this girl tonight is probably not going to make the cut, but she'd been drinking, and maybe she wasn't thinking straight - she's got until Monday night to call and apologize, otherwise I'm going to take the hot schoolteacher out for a date and see where that goes."

Monday night rolled around, and just as I was about to call the second woman, the one from Saturday called, apologized for bailing on out "date", and asked if we could give it another go. I held off calling the second girl to give the first one another shot.

I ended up marrying that first girl - we've been together 8 years now.

Point is, I was perfectly willing to walk away if she was going to jerk me around, and when she saw that, she stopped jerking me around. I was lucky to get the "A" scenario described by Legion, but even if I'd have gotten the "B" scenario I'd have been happy, because at least I'd have known where I stood.

 

[Antique Hoosier]

Perry I am really at a loss to give you too much personal advice but I will say two things:

1. There are MANY quality women out there. You WILL find one that suits you but it might happen when you least expect it. A guy who can be as patient as you have been with this "girl" will win out in the end. Learn from this experience.

2. The woman I posted about as a terrible first date experience and one I had what I thought was ZERO chemistry and compatibility on December 30th on a separate Barber Shop thread, watched me shave this morning, gazing from my bed. She really likes Trumper Rose Soap and Floris Santal.

There is hope Perry.

 

[perry]

She responded to the email but didn't reply to the invitation. She's pushing the blame back on me. I guess that's how women work. It's my fault she didn't tell me she wasn't coming to dinner at 5 until 4:45, right? I tried to accept the blame (the conversation through the day was weird enough w/o me hinting at possible drama tonight), falling on my own sword, swallowing my pride a bit, so we'll see if she accepts.

I don't want to play games.. if I write her off, then I'll be done. I'm hard headed. She could come begging back and I'd ignore her. But that won't happen. I'm fairly confident that she won't give chase because of the way she is. In flatstick96's scenario, I would have walked out the door and not given her a second thought. When she called, I wouldn't have answered.

And, yes, I thought she would be a good enough friend. Past tense.

2. The woman I posted about as a terrible first date experience and one I had what I thought was ZERO chemistry and compatibility on December 30th on a separate Barber Shop thread, watched me shave this morning, gazing from my bed. She really likes Trumper Rose Soap and Floris Santal.

There is hope Perry.

Awesome!

 

[Uncle Erik]

Perry, you are already playing games and being dishonest.

Specifically, cooking for and attending to a woman in hopes that she'll date you is a form of manipulation. Second, you have not at all been honest about your intentions. You're being a pretend friend and hoping that listening to her complain about her life will manipulate her into sleeping with you. You're not as honest as you'd like to think.

The reason you don't come ou with the big story about the secret crush, months of longing, etc. etc. and beg for her hand is because that never works. I learned that lesson many years ago. I've heard it from lots of other guys. Not one, not a single one go a date from pouring his heart out to his special "friend." If you simply lay your cards on the table you will be rejected.

If you can't bring yourself to tell her that you're going out with someone else, then go to an online dating site, make a date with anyone, and tell her the truth that you're going out on a date. If she's cool with that, then she's just a friend. If not, then suggest going on a real date. She is apparently dating other men while she knows you're interested.

If you want to get your head around the whole "friend" thing, a man who is willing to go shopping, pick up dinner, pay attention, and listen for hours is the male equivalent of a slut. Any woman is thrilled to find someone who will listen, buy her things, etc. and expect nothing in return. Of course you're being used. It's just like a woman who will sleep with any guy in the vain hope of finding a husband. It doesn't work. You end up getting used and havin nothing to show for it.

You don't have to treat women badly, but you always have to put your attention in the context of a date. If she's not willing to date, you don't give her attention. If someone wants to talk on the phone, go eat, etc., then make sure it's a date and go in for the kiss at the end of the night. Otherwise, you'll just get used.

This one I'd cut off. Drop off the crockpot and anything else and don't bother with a note. Get yourself to an online dating site or make yourself into a regular at a bar. Meet some new women and make it clear that you want to date.

 

[Legion]

I'm not sure I agree with all that. Some of the people I know with the strongest relationships started out as friends first. It is just that the friendship evolved into something more for both of them. The problems come when that evolution of feelings is one sided, as it seems to be here. There is nothing wrong with Perry trying to kick this relationship off at a "friend" level. And just because he hangs out with her in a platonic way, buys dinner, listens to her, etc, does not mean he is doing it just to "trick her" into putting out. The fact that this gets turned into an "us verses them" game in which we win when we get them into bed, or they win when they get a husband, is one of the major problems with dating these days (and possibly back to the dawn of time...)

The goal should be to find someone who you can form a relationship with that is built on many things, not just sex. How can you find out about the other stuff if you go out there looking only for women who are serious about "dating".

No, I say stick with trying to meet people socially if possible, avoid the dating sites and bars, if possible, and make friends first. Then, if feelings develop from there, hope that it does for both of you. I believe that that is the best way to truly get to know a person, before you start "dating" and everything changes.

 

[Btheis]

If she doesn't respond, then I'll leave that damn crockpot on her doorstep and be done with it.

Best bet is to send an email asking if she would like the crock pot dropped off or if she wants she can pick it up. Even better would be to stop all communication for a couple days/week and let yourself cool off then proceed. IMO forget having any type of future with this person, it wasn't in the cards. No harm no foul, at least you weren't paying for high dollar meals/movies/drinks etc... Leave communication open but don't chase after it. You can always say you didn't feel she had much interest and cite certain examples if truly needed.

Never just drop something off on a doorstep, way to creepy.

 

[Btheis]

To me, that says, "Get away as fast as you can!" if she is, indeed, "baiting" you

Could very well have been, might have been nothing at all.


Most times when I read these hey guys need an opinion threads on the net it normally has warning signs all over it already, nothing wrong with several opinions though.

 

[Kevan]

I agree with those saying cut it off. Even with a cursory read of this thread, I can see similarities between this situation and something I went through in college. Trust me, it's better in the long run if you just move on.

 

[Strikermike]

Sorry to say this, but it is time to cut and run.

 

[CEFranklin]

Keep the crock pot! We have 3 and use them all the time

 

[flatstick96]

I don't want to play games.. if I write her off, then I'll be done. I'm hard headed. She could come begging back and I'd ignore her. But that won't happen. I'm fairly confident that she won't give chase because of the way she is. In flatstick96's scenario, I would have walked out the door and not given her a second thought. When she called, I wouldn't have answered.

Dude, what I'm saying is: "be in charge - lead, don't follow."

What I'm NOT saying is: "cut off your nose to spite your face."

Nobody but you can decide how to proceed; that said, here's how I'd play it.

1. Return the crock pot. Do it when you know she'll be home; remember, you're in charge - you don't need to avoid her. When you do, be cordial and polite, but keep it brief. "Hey, I hope you're feeling better. Here's your crock pot. See you around." Leave.

2. Go about a week without initiating any contact; if she initiates contact, again be cordial, but brief - she isn't the center of your universe. After about a week, call her on the phone, and ask her on a proper date. Be specific, propose the day and time and leave it up to her to give you a simple yes/no.

3. If she says yes, make sure you have something memorable planned. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant, but make sure it's memorable, and make sure it gives you some time alone at some point. If she says no to a very clear and specific date offer, walk away.

 

[Schweinhund]

1 point : less email, less text, and more speaking on the phone/in person.

This is probably why there was confusion, miscommunication, and unsureness about intent.