Czar of the Universe

Occasionally when something annoys me I will make a comment to MBW that starts with, “If I were Czar of the universe…”, and then fill in the solution to the annoying problem.

So if you were Czar of the Universe, what would be your top 5 edicts?

Mine in no particular order:

1. Left lane lolligaggers, (driving in the left lane when not passing), would immediately have their cars impounded until they complete Autobahn driver re-education. This would also apply to talking on a cell phone while driving.

2. Charity would go back to being the responsibility of the local community, not the federal or state government. Then the community would make sure those that need help get only the best help and those that are just plain lazy get nothing.

3. Marriage would be what it has always been…end of story.

4. Education up to some useful trade/skill/profession would be mandatory. The entire education system would be revamped to allow students at the lowest levels to advance in their strong skills without being limited by age related classes. In fact the whole concept of first, second, third grade etc. would be completely eliminated and replaced with learning blocks that once mastered would allow the student to advance to the next level in that area, regardless of age or the proficiency of unrelated areas.

5. Abortion would be the #1 crime against humanity, with punishment of death by the very same “humane” instruments they use to perform their ugly trade. Any exceptions would be handled on a case by case basis by a special panel of experts and would never be used to make blanket exceptions or to bolster the arguments of any other case.

Serious or funny what would your top 5 be? I have others that could easily be there, depending on the day.

If I were Czar of the Universe, gosh, I think eventually I'd get ticked off with everything destroy it all and finally I'd have some quiet.

I would ban Nextel phones, for the same reason as above - to get some peace and quiet.

Tim

ratcheer said:

I would ban Nextel phones, for the same reason as above - to get some peace and quiet.

Tim

Click to expand...

True words, I HATE those things.

Are those the ones that whistle?

SalvadorMontenegro said:

Are those the ones that whistle?

Click to expand...

They chirp and then people scream into them like they're walkie talkie, one of the most annoying inventions in human history. Use of this function in a public place should result in being lined up in front of a firing squad.

Oh yeah. Those are annoying.

I despise the phones with the whistling ringtone. I think it may be T-Mobile. It does its whistle when someone's calling and then, invariably, someone in the vicinity feels it's necessary to whistle, too.

TimmyBoston said:

They chirp and then people scream into them like they're walkie talkie, one of the most annoying inventions in human history. Use of this function in a public place should result in being lined up in front of a firing squad.

Click to expand...

The rub with the Nextel phones is that they can be operated like a regular cell phone, by disabling the walkie-talkie mode and going to phone mode. The user still has to "press to talk", but overall used like a phone, not a walkie-talkie.

Yet seemingly all Nextel users insist on screaming into these things, and blasting the voice from the other end, for all of us lucky souls to hear.

4hits said:

The rub with the Nextel phones is that they can be operated like a regular cell phone, by disabling the walkie-talkie mode and going to phone mode. The user still has to "press to talk", but overall used like a phone, not a walkie-talkie.

Yet seemingly all Nextel users insist on screaming into these things, and blasting the voice from the other end, for all of us lucky souls to hear.

Click to expand...

So what kind of person, that has never had a cell phone, watches a Nextel user and says, "Now that's what I want!" It has to be some sort of exhibitionist thing, I guess I don't understand.

OldSaw said:

So what kind of person, that has never had a cell phone, watches a Nextel user and says, "Now that's what I want!" It has to be some sort of exhibitionist thing, I guess I don't understand.

Click to expand...

IMHO, obnoxious people.

Tim

4hits said:

The rub with the Nextel phones is that they can be operated like a regular cell phone, by disabling the walkie-talkie mode and going to phone mode. The user still has to "press to talk", but overall used like a phone, not a walkie-talkie.

Yet seemingly all Nextel users insist on screaming into these things, and blasting the voice from the other end, for all of us lucky souls to hear.

Click to expand...

I didn't know that, now I really want them to die. Unless they are the ones using like a phone of course, I'm fine with that.

OldSaw said:

3. Marriage would be what it has always been…end of story.

Click to expand...

Define "always".

X

Christmas/Holiday decorations are not to be seen in a retail store until the day after Thanksgiving, at the earliest.

Sending junk email is a capital offense. By public stoning. Members of the public may redeem each spam email received for a free stone.

The other day I saw someone ostensibly text messaging while driving. On the freeway. This should carry the same penalty as a DUI.

Britney Spears, her knocked-up sister, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Michael Jackson, and all of the celebrity train-wrecks du jour will a TV channel devoted exclusively to the news and discussion of their exploits. And then any mention of their names will be permanently banned from all other stations. Unless one of them is mauled and eaten by a bear, but then only for like 5 minutes and only if they show the unedited video footage.

Edit:
And a serious one: Voting will be done on paper ballots, by placing an X or a "check" in a box. The ballots will be counted by hand, with every deference made for accuracy. If it takes a week or more, so be it. Accuracy trumps speed, period.

castlecraver said:

Britney Spears, her knocked-up sister, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, Michael Jackson, and all of the celebrity train-wrecks du jour will a TV channel devoted exclusively to the news and discussion of their exploits. And then any mention of their names will be permanently banned from all other stations. Unless one of them is mauled and eaten by a bear, but then only for like 5 minutes and only if they show the unedited video footage.

Click to expand...

I REALLY like that one! That means we'd have no TMZ TV though...

OldSaw said:

1. Left lane lolligaggers.

Click to expand...

I refuse to let other's driving upset me (unless they're driving into my car), so I would pass no laws here.

OldSaw said:

2. Charity.....

Click to expand...

I would go further and return charity to the only ones capable of granting it - individual human beings.

OldSaw said:

3. Marriage would be what it has always been…end of story.

Click to expand...

I can't agree with that one as my first act as the Ultimate Potentate would be to make Rachael Leigh Cook, Kate Winslet, Lucy Griffiths and Kritstin Davis (at the very least) my wives.

Seriously though, marriage is a social, not state, institution. The state should have no part in it whatsoever. I would do away with all laws defining, supporting, restricting or even just thinking about glancing at, marriage.

OldSaw said:

4. Education

Click to expand...

Would be whatever any person decides it should be. Complete freedom in education is the only 'system' that should exist.

OldSaw said:

5. Abortion

Click to expand...

I'd let there be a free market for babies. In other words de-regulate the adoption and surrogate maternity industries. A cash windfall upon delivery of a child would end far more abortions than any form of violent punishment.

Oooh, I have way too many things that I'd like to put on here. But maybe I can come up with a few. There are several already posted that I like, so I'll let you take care of them, and will make mine unique.
1. Local ballot initiatives to raise property taxes may only be voted on by those who actually pay property taxes.
2. You must pass a minimum proficiency test before you can use the self-checkout lines at the grocery store.
3. Federal income tax rates should differ by state, and should be determined on a 10-year basis based on the number and cost of earmarks and pork-barrel projects routed to each of the states, with the largest takers paying the higher rates, and the lowest takers paying the lowest rates. If you want more government perks, okay, but you need to pay for them.
4. Politics should not interfere with my enjoying Christmas, New Years, and all of the college bowl games. All primaries and caucuses are banned prior to the 3rd week in January.
5. Nobody is allowed to cancel a TV program without my approval - all of my favorite TV shows keep getting canceled (Futurama, Firefly, The A-Team, I could go on).

TimmyBoston said:

If I were Czar of the Universe, gosh, I think eventually I'd get ticked off with everything destroy it all and finally I'd have some quiet.

Click to expand...

TIMMY HULK SMASH!!!

Dr. Mike said:

Oooh, I have way too many things that I'd like to put on here. But maybe I can come up with a few. There are several already posted that I like, so I'll let you take care of them, and will make mine unique.
1. Local ballot initiatives to raise property taxes may only be voted on by those who actually pay property taxes.
2. You must pass a minimum proficiency test before you can use the self-checkout lines at the grocery store.
3. Federal income tax rates should differ by state, and should be determined on a 10-year basis based on the number and cost of earmarks and pork-barrel projects routed to each of the states, with the largest takers paying the higher rates, and the lowest takers paying the lowest rates. If you want more government perks, okay, but you need to pay for them.
4. Politics should not interfere with my enjoying Christmas, New Years, and all of the college bowl games. All primaries and caucuses are banned prior to the 3rd week in January.
5. Nobody is allowed to cancel a TV program without my approval - all of my favorite TV shows keep getting canceled (Futurama, Firefly, The A-Team, I could go on).

Click to expand...

+1 on that....I watched the Futurama marathon on Adult Swim because they are cancelling that show......

So if I were czar of the universe...first, I'd shoot the Bolsheviks before they shot me....

And then....I would have them start production on Futurama.....

1.) Killing would be completely legal, as long as the person you killed had a weapon as good as or better than yours.

2.)Dueling would be reinstated, either by first blood, or to the death.

shadow said:

1.) Killing would be completely legal, as long as the person you killed had a weapon as good as or better than yours.

Click to expand...

Would you at least accept the proviso that the person must actually be pointing the weapon at you?

Graham