Pay someone to kidnap you for a day.
Mother-In-Law Visit: Pray for Me
- Thread starter Mendel
- Start date
+1. Just pray that it doesn't backfire and end up with both of them angry and more demanding than ever.
I put another vote in for whiskey. That or just blind them with Gilligans' cuteness.
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Prayers sent I was Blessed with the Best Inlaws a man could ever ask for but as a Minister I know some of you have gotten some that Satan would not let into hell lest they take the place over.
Call and go to the Denist this morning and the Dr this afternoon if your like most of us you past due on your checkups.
Two bikers are closing a bar and their conversation goes something like this:
A: Gee bro, I really love drinking with you all night but, when I get home, my old lady always gives me s#*t.
B: What do you mean? Why's she giving you a hard time?
A: I don't know, man. I live at the bottom of a hill so, each night, on my way home, I cut the engine and coast, real quite like, into the drive way. I don't even put the bike in my garage.
Then, I carefully open the front door and sneak up the stairs. I quietly take off my close and creep into bed and she always wakes up screaming, "If you keep this drinking up, I'm going to divorce you!"
B: Dude, you're doing it all wrong!
A: What do you mean I'm doing it all wrong! What do you do?
B: Well, I gun the pipes all the way home, slam into the garage door, kick the cat, march upstairs and tear my cloths off. I dive into bed and shout, "Honey, I'm drunk and I'm horny!" and she never wakes up!
A: Gee bro, I really love drinking with you all night but, when I get home, my old lady always gives me s#*t.
B: What do you mean? Why's she giving you a hard time?
A: I don't know, man. I live at the bottom of a hill so, each night, on my way home, I cut the engine and coast, real quite like, into the drive way. I don't even put the bike in my garage.
Then, I carefully open the front door and sneak up the stairs. I quietly take off my close and creep into bed and she always wakes up screaming, "If you keep this drinking up, I'm going to divorce you!"
B: Dude, you're doing it all wrong!
A: What do you mean I'm doing it all wrong! What do you do?
B: Well, I gun the pipes all the way home, slam into the garage door, kick the cat, march upstairs and tear my cloths off. I dive into bed and shout, "Honey, I'm drunk and I'm horny!" and she never wakes up!
Giving her a grandchild helps get you out of the direct line of fire.
"When are you going to build that tree fort for Junior?"
"What, he hasn't built that tree fort yet? You are soooo mean!!"
... just adds more fuel to the honey-do bonfire.
Put the fishing pole in the truck and wave on your way out the driveway.....
It might be time for a colonoscopy.
A few classics from the late Les Dawson, British king of the mother in law jokes:
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for two years. We haven't quarreled. I just don't like to interrupt her.
I can always tell when the mother in law is coming to stay, the mice throw themselves on the traps.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.
The wife's mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'
The mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in
I put a picture of the Mother-in-law above the fireplace. It's not a great picture but it keeps the kiddies away from the fire.
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for two years. We haven't quarreled. I just don't like to interrupt her.
I can always tell when the mother in law is coming to stay, the mice throw themselves on the traps.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.
The wife's mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'
The mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in
I put a picture of the Mother-in-law above the fireplace. It's not a great picture but it keeps the kiddies away from the fire.
+1 on the colonoscopy.
If that doesn't work for you I suggest creating a nocturnal schedule for yourself to avoid her at all costs.
- Thread starter
- #34
Mother-in-law update:
She took us to dinner this evening at Smokey Bones (great ribs). Then she told us she was giving us $ for a new dishwasher. Will God now strike me for blasphemy against my mother-in-law?
She took us to dinner this evening at Smokey Bones (great ribs). Then she told us she was giving us $ for a new dishwasher. Will God now strike me for blasphemy against my mother-in-law?
Ah, this is the 'ol warm-them-up-a-bit-because-they-are-the-ones-picking-out-the-nursing-home strategy.
She is trying to stay one step ahead of you! Think like a chess game, three moves ahead. Good heavens man you are falling right into her TRAP!
I hope someone else caught that!
Trying to buy her way in eh?
More than once I had a buddy come pick me up to "go hunting " walked out with an empty gun case and drank beer in a field until they both fell asleep. That has been at least 6 years ago though. Always worked well.
Seems like shes making a plot to soften you up so she can move in Mendel
Btw Ive heard cricket matches can last for days, maybe take up the game for next time. Cant let the team down and all
"There is no place to hide, no place to go..."
Places to hide, the local library, a museum, a Friends house, a bar, that other bar, or the bar down the street with the bikers.
places to go: hunting, fishing, camping, a gun store, looking for razors, in search of the last real barbershop where men just hang out, a town called Stepford I know a guy who knew a guy who said for some reason there are no in-laws there.
the ocean, they say it is very important to see the ocean Before you die, In heaven every one talks about how nice the ocean looked. ( knocking on heavens door with Til Schweiger)
Places to hide, the local library, a museum, a Friends house, a bar, that other bar, or the bar down the street with the bikers.
places to go: hunting, fishing, camping, a gun store, looking for razors, in search of the last real barbershop where men just hang out, a town called Stepford I know a guy who knew a guy who said for some reason there are no in-laws there.
the ocean, they say it is very important to see the ocean Before you die, In heaven every one talks about how nice the ocean looked. ( knocking on heavens door with Til Schweiger)
