Joke of the Day

[GFlanagan3]

Man calls home. Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?" ...

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"


There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

 

[winkydink]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The police woman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror.

Then she handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

[King of Kailua]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

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Santa's done after three ho's

 

[Bertilak]

(some really funny stuff!)

Is the next one missing a first line or two?

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

In the interest of maintaining some dignity I refuse to say if I laughed at this final one or not!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Bertilak]

... "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Foot?!?

 

[Bertilak]

A traveling salesman pulls up to a farm and asks if he can have some lodging for the night. The farmer says sure but you'll have to sleep in the barn. Next morning the man talks to the farmer.

"I see you have a three-legged pig in the barn. Is there a story about that?"

Farmer says, "Yup, one day my son Timmy fell in the well and that pig came running and squealing and led me to the well! Saved Timmy's life!"

"Yeah, but what's that got to do with the pig having three legs?"

"I'm not done yet," says the farmer. "Some time later the barn caught on fire in the middle of the night. The pig came running up to the house and made a big racked right under the bedroom window. We woke up in time to save the barn."

"OK, that sure is a good pig, but I still don't see what that has to do with him having only three legs."

"Well," says the farmer "you don't eat a good pig like that all at once!"

 

[Chimensch]

A traveling salesmen knocks on the door of a farmhouse and asks what time it is. The farmer reaches behind the door, pulls out a shotgun and says, "Get out of here quick or I'll shoot!" As the salesman backs away, he asks "But what did I do to make you so mad?"
The farmer says, "You knock on my door and ask the time. When I tell you it's 6:00 pm, I'm going to have to invite you to dinner. If you stay for dinner, then I'm going to have to invite you to stay the night. If you stay the night, my daughter Lucy's going to climb in bed with you and get pregnant, I'll have to force you to marry her and I'll be damned if my daughter's going to marry some salesman that doesn't even have a watch!"

 

[GFlanagan3]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

 

[GFlanagan3]

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
- Mitch Hedberg
More funny quotes on:

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
- Abraham Maslow
More funny quotes on:

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. congress
- Ronald Reagan
More funny quotes on:

 

[winkydink]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
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No idea.

 

[Bertilak]

Two businessmen playing golf, discussing religion.

Joe says to Sam -- "I am not a believer. My business is in the dumps so I prayed that I would win the lottery. Not the big prize, just enough to pay some debts so I could stay in business and keep up with payroll and not need to fire anybody. Not a selfish prayer but I have yet to win anything."

Big booming voice comes down from the sky: "Joe, work with me here -- buy a ticket!"

 

[ouch]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
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No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no testicles?

 

[GFlanagan3]

Two peanuts where walking down the road and one was a salted!

****

Your breath is so bad... when you talk your teeth duck.

****
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

 

[winkydink]

A store that sells New Husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,
or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and
are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 -These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh,
mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have
a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives Store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[winkydink]

Betty, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front
of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George
(and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what
he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said
nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Betty's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

 

[Dustinl]

Betty, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front
of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George
(and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what
he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said
nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Betty's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

DL

 

[GFlanagan3]

Betty, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front
of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George
(and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what
he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said
nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Betty's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

 

[GFlanagan3]

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
****

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign that read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."

"Won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday -- eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
***

 

[GFlanagan3]

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

"Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

 

[GFlanagan3]

SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" Makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.