Congrats on finding the perfect woman for you!!!
My advice is simple, make sure you keep dating your wife or someone else will!
My advice is simple, make sure you keep dating your wife or someone else will!
Congratulations my friend. As a twice divorced divorce attorney, I may seem like an odd fellow to be giving advice. But since I too am on the verge of getting married, it's safe to say I haven't given up on the institution.
As a veteran of failed marriages and numerous failed relationships, I couldn't help noticing how few really great marriages there are. I meet plenty of divorced people. I meet plenty of married people with all sorts of undercurrents of frustration and resentment running constantly. But truly happy people seem a rarity. So I would have thought myself the last person who might find himself in one of those elusive, great marriages. And yet I think that's what I have now. We're living together and were spiritually married two years ago. It's been an amazingly beautiful journey.
Here are the keys as I see them:
1. First thing, you gotta know that "She's really hot" is not a good reason to marry someone. And, no; I don't care how hot she is. Beauty fades, not only with age but also with familiarity. If you don't like a woman, she won't seem attractive after a while no matter how attractive she may be on the outside. So forget about "cute and crazy"; go for "plane and sane."
2. If you really love and respect someone, and she loves and respects you, the attraction will grow. Friendship is a great place to begin a relationship. If there doesn't seem to be chemistry at first, that can actually be a good thing. Don't stop with the outer picture. Focus on who the person is underneath. This may not work with someone you find positively repulsive, but know that attraction can and does grow.
3. Know that everything in the marriage is a mirror. What I mean by that is no matter how badly she seems to behave, you have the power to diffuse it. If she's triggered by something, an open heart and a willingness to listen and express empathy will allow her heart to open. People only get caught in conflict when both are triggered at the same time. Then no one's there to hold the other and they spiral down the abyss into conflict. At times like that, recognize the places where you're caught and do whatever you need to do to get yourself uncaught. If that means taking some space, do so.
4. Memorize and frequently use the three most important words there are in relationship. Those words are (are you ready?) . . . "You make sense." Now, to be clear, "you make sense" does not mean "you were right about everything; I was wrong; I'll go pack my overnight and set it in the dog house." It does mean, "I get where you're coming from. I see how, from where you're standing, things would seem that way. If I were in your shoes, they'd probably look very much like that for me." Tell her specifically what makes sense about what she's saying. Be honest too. This isn't about snowing anyone. It's about true empathy. There's always some aspect of what the other person is holding that makes sense. Knowing that you're open to her point of view will help her to feel heard and open space for her to now hear where you're coming from.
5. There is no happily ever after. There will be times when things seem wonderful. There will be challenging times too. Relationships only go south when people forget that they can turn their hearts back to each other. So the key isn't simply in choosing the right princess (though that is part of it) but rather in having the skills to successfully navigate feelings and conflict when it arises.
6. You know the cliche about having two ears and one mouth because we were designed to listen more than speak? Take it to heart. Women need to be heard. As guys, we tend to want to fix things. Women hate to be fixed. They love to be engaged through listening. There's almost nothing that won't get better for a women when she feels heard.
7. Women tend to be accommodating. This is not a good thing because problems can go under the radar. They just keep accommodating and accommodating, taking another step back and another and another until they reach the edge of a cliff and then, with no more space to back up, they blow up. I've seen more marriages end in this way. The poor clueless schmuck ends up in my office saying, "I don't know what happened. I didn't see it coming." Sometimes the woman will end things by having an affair. This can be particularly devastating. Look out for accommodating behavior and do your best to draw her out in expressing her true needs and feelings. This ties in nicely with listening (above) and "You make sense" (also above).
I could go on and on but that's enough for now. Take those to heart and it will carry you a long way.
When I first read this post, I didn't want to be the first one to say "don't do it". That's a cynical attitude, I know. People suggested this to me the first time I got married... I should have listened. But now that that advice has been offered, I'll second it.
Okay, so you've decided to ignore that advice and soldier forward. My second bit of advice is to ignore everything that you've read in previous replies to this post. A relationship will either work or it won't. No matter what steps you take to try and make yourself the perfect spouse, they won't matter. If she decides that she wants out, for whatever reason, she'll find a way to get out.
I have a theory that longish term relationships tend to fall under a bell curve. Under one skinny little part of that curve, you have those couples that are in absolute bliss, more in love today than yesterday. Congratulations to them. Under the fat part of the curve, you have those couples going through the motions... not exactly happy, not miserable... it would be more work to end the relationship than just plod forward. Folks in this group are not likely to ever move to the first group. Finally in the last skinny part of the curve, you have those folks that are on the verge of divorce, if they don't kill each other first. Those folks in the fat part of the curve could end up here.
There ya have it. Take it for what it's worth... been there, done that.
^^^ Needs to be a sticky.
I couldn't have said this better myself. (What marriage counselor did you steal it from? We all know that no low-life lawyer has heart enough to be able to come up with these statements on their own! LOL)