Old man jokes

[stankboot]

What is your favorite old man jokes such as

person #1 "I will be back, I am going to the rest room"
old man #1 "Tell them my name there give you a good seat"

person #1 "My head hurts"
old man #1 "If I had a head like that mine would hurt to"

cashier #1 "Would you like a bag"
old man #1 "No thanks, I left her at home"

Or
old man "Want to know how I turned my dishwasher into a snowblower"
person #1 "Sure"
old man "I bought her a snow shovel"

So tell me what are your favorite old man jokes

 

[nuclearblast]

 

[rob74]

Growing up, I had a neighbor who always asked me these questions:

1. "Do you walk to school or carry your lunch?"
2. "So how are the wife and kids?"

 

[Musikmann]

3 things to remember if you're old:

Never let a restroom pass you by
Never trust a fart
Never waste an erection, you don't know when you'll get another

 

[abragus]

The old civilian I work with (27 years in the Coast Guard and 8 years working for the CG as a civilian) always says,
"You know, Mr. Ragus, I made a mistake one time in my life..."
"What's that, Mr. Jessee?"
"Well, I thought I made one. That's how perfect I am."

or

"Mr. Ragus, you got any pet names for your wife? Like darling or honey?"
"Yessir, Mr. Jessee, why?"
"Well my wife calls me ******* pretty often, I just wanted to see if it was a common pet name."

 

[stankboot]

"Mr. Ragus, you got any pet names for your wife? Like darling or honey?"
"Yessir, Mr. Jessee, why?"
"Well my wife calls me ******* pretty often, I just wanted to see if it was a common pet name."

 

[abragus]

Update on the Mr. Jessee Chronicles.

MJ: Well, now that's a deep subject.
Me: What's that Mr. Jessee?
MJ: Wells go down in the ground real deep, Mr. Ragus. It's a deep subject.
Me: Oh, Mr. Jessee... *insert sitcom music here*

 

[Mike H]

[FONT=Courier New,Courier]I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from
[FONT=Courier New,Courier]us and told my friend Norman "That's us in 10 years"[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New,Courier]
Norman said "That's a mirror!" [/FONT]

 

[August West]

An old Italian man in my neighborhood would sit on his porch, chomping on a Parodi and drinking from a large tumbler filled with Chianti and soaking peaches. Everyday he would say with gusto as I passed by, "Hey baccala!", "Open da banana lika da monkey!"

 

[mswofford]

"Everything that still works, hurts" (Small sign on the wall of a friend who's in his eighties.)

 

[oldbluelight]

An old time country preacher was passing the graveyard and he heard a man crying and moaning, "Oh god, Oh god. Why did he have to die?"
The preacher approached the old fellow who kept moaning, "Oh god how I wish he hadn't died."
The preached noticed that the old fellow's grief was profound and he sought to give him comfort, "Brother I know how you must feel. Was it your father that you lost?"
"No, no. Oh how I wish he hadn't died."
"Well, was it your brother?"
"No, no. Oh why did you have to take him Lord?"
"Well, was it your son?"
"No, no. He's no kin of mine. Oh how I wish he hadn't died."
The preacher noticed that the headstone had some age on it, covered with moss. He wondered whose death so long ago could have provoked a grief so profound and inconsolable, "Well, brother, I'm wondering who died to make you grieve so?"
"It was my wife's first husband. Oh god how I wish he hadn't died."