When doing the right thing...feels like the wrong thing

Hi B&B
I need your support. I am currently dealng with the emotional fallout of a slightly messed-up party, at the start of which I was encouraging my friend to "close the deal" with a woman he's been seeing platonically for months and for whom he has genuine feelings and would in no way mistreat. Several hours later, I extremely reluctantly had to reject her offer to go home with her..as I couldn't humiliate my friend who was standing right next to me. She really got to me and if he hadn't been there, it would have happened. This was not going to be a one-night stand....and now I feel sick. Tell me I did the right thing.

I'm not exactly sure which part you feel sick about...do you mean because you really like this girl but had to say 'no' to her advances or do you mean you feel sick because you've been encouraging your friend to go after some girl that you actually like? Did you like this girl before she offered herself to you? Did you really think your friend had a chance with her? We might need a few clarifications to be able to offer any kind of advice. Sounds like one hell of a party anyway.

It was a wierd party with several very lovely people and several others in need of therapy. I had only met this woman once b4 and always thought of her as my friend's "almost girlfriend" but when we got talking it turns out she wasnt interested in him at all. Only gradually throught the night did I realise she was opening up and saw something special in me and eventually we were gazing deeply etc, while my friend, who had stuck to her skirts all $£$%£$% night, even after being told it wasnt going to happen, totally failed to notice what was going on and it got realy embarassing. We really wanted to be alone, but I just couldn't steal her from right under his nose. We didnt even have the space to exchange numbers. She was very dissapointed and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her.

scottish steve said:

It was a wierd party with several very lovely people and several others in need of therapy. I had only met this woman once b4 and always thought of her as my friend's "almost girlfriend" but when we got talking it turns out she wasnt interested in him at all. Only gradually throught the night did I realise she was opening up and saw something special in me and eventually we were gazing deeply etc, while my friend, who had stuck to her skirts all $£$%£$% night, even after being told it wasnt going to happen, totally failed to notice what was going on and it got realy embarassing. We really wanted to be alone, but I just couldn't steal her from right under his nose. We didnt even have the space to exchange numbers. She was very dissapointed and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her.

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Hmmm....do you want honesty or comfort? Ideally you wouldn't first encourage your friend that he should seal the deal with some chick (one you consider his 'almost girlfriend' no less) and then be annoyed that he won't get the hint and leave you guys alone while you hit on her later in the evening. Of course the ideal is rarely the reality and we've probably all done and thought similar things at one time or another. Assuming this guy is a real friend then I would say that you did the right thing in not taking her home right in front of him...that would have been the apex of lameness had you done that. If it really is meant to be between you two (and who can tell after just talking for one night) then surely there would be some way to contact her after everything cools down. If it were me and I chose to go that route I would also certainly let my friend know about it beforehand as well. Surely a good friend is more important than a girl that you've only 'gazed deeply' at once....

Just my 2 yen.

Fair comment for the most part. A couple of points tho.
-I wasn't hitting on her
-She isn't "some chick"
- I was supporting my diffident friend who was nervous about starting up a new relationship, until the situation was explained quite forcefully to me, by the woman in question who was amazed my friend'd gained the impression he did.
- I have no way of getting in touch with her.

You chose wisely. Friends come first.

Secondly, if the woman wanted to go home with you, someone she barely knows, it wasn't the start of a meaningful relationship.

Today's life lesson - there's always another emotionally messed up chick ready to be saved just around the corner. You did the right thing by sticking by your bro.

TimmyBoston said:

You chose wisely. Friends come first.

Secondly, if the woman wanted to go home with you, someone she barely knows, it wasn't the start of a meaningful relationship.

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This is not necessarily true, but put so boldly, it does give me pause. She was in a bad place and needed some comfort. Not just from anyone, I'd like to think, but I wouldn't have used her or been anything other than respectful.

You chose right!

Had similar problem many years ago while in the Navy. A shipmates wife was trying to drag me into her bedroom while he was out to sea. I declined (though I really wanted to get some) because I would not be able to look my friend in the eye after the fact. We are still friends (30 years later) and she is long gone.

However;

"The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity". - Helen Rowland

I have lost friends in the past over women....in fact, come to think of it, almost every ruined friendship in my life has been over a woman! I think if my friend had been more mature/less drunk, he would have bowed out, gone to another room or something, but the power of an attractive girl can make fools of men....myself included

scottish steve said:

This is not necessarily true, but put so boldly, it does give me pause. She was in a bad place and needed some comfort. Not just from anyone, I'd like to think, but I wouldn't have used her or been anything other than respectful.

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You're a gentleman, but that may not have been what she was looking for, if you catch my drift. You need to quit thinking about this. You did the right thing. Period. If you made that much of an impression on her, she will find a way to contact you, you do know some of the same people, after all. When most women are "in a bad place and need some comfort" it's definitely not a gentleman they are looking for. I'm sorry if this sounds vulgar, I just don't know any other way to phrase it and still be honest. You 100% did the right thing and you can't kick yourself for doing that. And if you doubt it, think about your friend and how you'd feel if you were in his shoes.

Johnny Dale said:

"The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity". - Helen Rowland

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Yikes...not sure about that little nugget of advice!

TimmyBoston said:

You need to quit thinking about this. You did the right thing. Period. If you made that much of an impression on her, she will find a way to contact you, you do know some of the same people, after all.

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I know! I just had to get it off my chest. Thanks man. I'm sure she can find me if she wants to...she made a point of making me spell my full name and repaeated it several times...and she is a police officer.

You did the right thing. Wallowing in the regret of "what could have been" detracts from your ability to make a future that you want. You made the right decision. Don't regret it. Learn from the experience and move forward.

I agree with the fellows, you made the honorable and right choice. Your friends always come first. No need to feel sick about this one at all...kudos to you.

thunderball said:

Yikes...not sure about that little nugget of advice!

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I know! So true though.

Steve still did the right thing. It's tough being a gentleman.

No worries Steve, things will work out. Your a good man with good character. Quite a few men don't have that.

...and she is a police officer.

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Now I'm thinking handcuffs!

Don't even start!

scottish steve said:

I know! I just had to get it off my chest. Thanks man. I'm sure she can find me if she wants to...she made a point of making me spell my full name and repaeated it several times...and she is a police officer.

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A weegie female police officer, and you want to get involved?

I think you did the right thing. However, it is important that if she contacts you, and you decide to pursue it, that you tell your friend.

Good Luck,

ScotchDave said:

A weegie female police officer, and you want to get involved?

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She is a formidable woman, no doubt. I will tell my friend tho, no question.

1. Until you've known them for months, they are ALL 'just some chick'.

2. Any girl who is 'in a bad place' will only drag you down with her given the chance. No matter how much they convince you that you are their salvation, you're not.

3. Any girl your friend has been 'kinda seeing for months' and hasn't 'sealed the deal', has become her friend. He'll never get out of 'friend' status.

I'm thinkin' it's best for the both of you to let that one go. Laugh about it with a beer at the pub with your friend.