Housemate rant

I'm renting a house with a friend of mine who recently got divorced - luckily I have the house to myself most of the time as he works in London now and only comes to Cornwall every other weekend when he sees his kids.

What bothers me is his cooking, he is completely and unshakeably convinced that he is a fantastic cook. In fact I don't think it would be unfair to say he considers himself one of the best cooks in the country (possibly the world). In the past I've tried, nicely, to tell him he can't cook but it makes no impact - he gets very offended and will angrily explain that only a complete culinary philistine could fail to appreciate his superb food. I gave up years ago and just try to force down what he produces and make vaguely polite noises - this worked fine until we started renting together but now every other weekend I have to put up with three days of inedible food, I offer to cook but of course i can't cook nearly as well as he can so he insists on doing it all.

Let me tell you how it goes:

I will say something like, "let's have beans on toast for lunch, I'll cook".

"No, no, I know a really special recipe for beans on toast, it's delicious"

There will be no way to persuade him otherwise and of course the can of beans and loaf of sliced bread I have will not be nearly adequate for a truly great beans on toast - after all great chefs only use the finest ingredients.

So a trip to the shops will be required starting at a bijou little bakers he knows which makes the finest German style rye bread with pumpkin seeds and rosemary, then to the health store for the most expensive monkey picked agouti beans from the furthest reaches of the Limpopo and sun dried Italian tomatoes grown only in volcanic ash 3000ft up Mount Vesuvius.

Having assembled the finest ingredients (finest = most expensive) he will then proceed to burn the toast, undercook the beans and produce some approximation of a tomato sauce enhanced with some weird herbs like coriander and lemongrass (fresh of course).

He will then proudly present this unrecognisable mess explaining how this is a recipe he devoloped himself and ask "now isn't that better than canned beans and supermarket bread". Responding "no it tastes like a goat crapped on the plate" is not advisable and in any case will make no impression.

So, this is all par for the course but yesterday he had suggested pasta carbonara as dinner for his kids and his daughter asked if I could cook it. Of course he was outraged that she'd rather eat my cooking than his (all the same to me) but then he made some very unkind comments about my cooking saying I couldn't really cook and just used packet food (a reference particularly to my regular use of stock from the supermarket).

I'm no Escoffier it's true (unlike him) but I did work in the hotel industry for years and worked with some truly superb chefs. I'm a trained professional chef and have cooked for huge numbers of people with almost never a complaint (ok, so you can't please everybody). I use packet stock quite often because it takes too long and is too much work to make a good stock myself. Yes, naturally my mate always makes his own fresh stocks - unfortunately he doesn't know how to make a good stock and ironically would actually be better off with something from the supermarket. So fair enough I may not be the greatest chef in the world but I can cook rings around him without even trying - at least my food is tasty, properly cooked and actually edible (and I'm not the only one who knows this - vis a vis his daughter).

He's a great bloke really but I just don't understand how he can fail to realise he's such a god awful cook.

End Rant

Excellent. Glad you got that off your chest. Perhaps the gas or electric might 'go out' for the stove next time? or else you can take semi-weekly weekend getaways?

I'm sure he says the same thing about you.

You have two optons, double blind testing or put up with it.

I lived with a complete selfish twat last year, I still feel like pounding his head in with a brick every time I see him, so I sympathise with your situation.

Good luck with it.

I recommend a periodic food intolerance

trewornan said:

I'm renting a house with a friend of mine who recently got divorced - luckily I have the house to myself most of the time as he works in London now and only comes to Cornwall every other weekend when he sees his kids.

What bothers me is his cooking, he is completely and unshakeably convinced that he is a fantastic cook. In fact I don't think it would be unfair to say he considers himself one of the best cooks in the country (possibly the world). In the past I've tried, nicely, to tell him he can't cook but it makes no impact - he gets very offended and will angrily explain that only a complete culinary philistine could fail to appreciate his superb food. I gave up years ago and just try to force down what he produces and make vaguely polite noises - this worked fine until we started renting together but now every other weekend I have to put up with three days of inedible food, I offer to cook but of course i can't cook nearly as well as he can so he insists on doing it all.

Let me tell you how it goes:

I will say something like, "let's have beans on toast for lunch, I'll cook".

"No, no, I know a really special recipe for beans on toast, it's delicious"

There will be no way to persuade him otherwise and of course the can of beans and loaf of sliced bread I have will not be nearly adequate for a truly great beans on toast - after all great chefs only use the finest ingredients.

So a trip to the shops will be required starting at a bijou little bakers he knows which makes the finest German style rye bread with pumpkin seeds and rosemary, then to the health store for the most expensive monkey picked agouti beans from the furthest reaches of the Limpopo and sun dried Italian tomatoes grown only in volcanic ash 3000ft up Mount Vesuvius.

Having assembled the finest ingredients (finest = most expensive) he will then proceed to burn the toast, undercook the beans and produce some approximation of a tomato sauce enhanced with some weird herbs like coriander and lemongrass (fresh of course).

He will then proudly present this unrecognisable mess explaining how this is a recipe he devoloped himself and ask "now isn't that better than canned beans and supermarket bread". Responding "no it tastes like a goat crapped on the plate" is not advisable and in any case will make no impression.

So, this is all par for the course but yesterday he had suggested pasta carbonara as dinner for his kids and his daughter asked if I could cook it. Of course he was outraged that she'd rather eat my cooking than his (all the same to me) but then he made some very unkind comments about my cooking saying I couldn't really cook and just used packet food (a reference particularly to my regular use of stock from the supermarket).

I'm no Escoffier it's true (unlike him) but I did work in the hotel industry for years and worked with some truly superb chefs. I'm a trained professional chef and have cooked for huge numbers of people with almost never a complaint (ok, so you can't please everybody). I use packet stock quite often because it takes too long and is too much work to make a good stock myself. Yes, naturally my mate always makes his own fresh stocks - unfortunately he doesn't know how to make a good stock and ironically would actually be better off with something from the supermarket. So fair enough I may not be the greatest chef in the world but I can cook rings around him without even trying - at least my food is tasty, properly cooked and actually edible (and I'm not the only one who knows this - vis a vis his daughter).

He's a great bloke really but I just don't understand how he can fail to realise he's such a god awful cook.

End Rant

Click to expand...

When you love doing something it's very hard to admit you're not that good at it. Either that or he wants to feel as independent as possible after his divorce and feels that cooking (or at least attempting) will help him gain that feeling of independence.

Just remembered - my mate used to have this problem with his mum's cooking - she sort of got the message when he had a 'catering size' bottle of Rennies (or Tums or something of that ilk) in the cupboard which he only put on the table when she cooked.

Ha. I think the only way he's going to get the message is if you refuse to eat what he cooks.

Multiple studies have shown that the more incompetent one is, the more likely that person is to overestimate their own abilities.

The converse is also, in general, true: the more competent a person is, the more likely he or she is to underestimate their own level of competence.

Or, as master orator Donald Rumsfeld would say: "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know. "

The former group of folks, simply put, is unaware of exactly how large their universe of unknown unknowns is. The latter group is aware that what they don't know - and what they don't know that they don't know - is a massive collection of stuff.

I have a friend that is almost like this. Actually he can cook - and is quite good at it.

But, somehow he has gotten into the habit of emptying his entire spice cabinet into the food together with a metric ton of garlic into 99% of everything he cooks. No matter what he is making and what ingredients he bases the dish on; everything he makes tastes the same.

I have tried to persuade him to ease up on the spices by cooking the exact same dish as he did the day before, with the exeption that spiced the food lightly, letting the ingredients stand by them selves. Even though he admitted that it tasted good he was othervice unimpressed and unaltered in his conviction.

I like heavily spiced food - but when I shell out big money for imported Argentinian beef (I live in Denmark) I damn well want to be anble to actally tast that fine meat - or else I could just eat dirt with chilli, garlic and salt.

As to problems with housemates; consider yourself lucky it is just food. I have tried to live together with a highly religious bi-polar paranoid schizophrenic that had trouble finding out whether he was John the Babtist, Christ reborn or Søren Kirkegaard (his last was actually Kirkegaard) - one thing was certain though; he knew that I was Satan (seriously, no kidding). That was, in lack of a better word, quite interesting and outright scary. He was intelligent enough to manipulate everyone into believing that it was me who had the "problem", luckily he ended up doing some things that quite effective led everyone to realize what was going on (you really do not want to know) - and he was thrown out. After we had thrown him out he started stalking me for a short while - luckily for both of us he stopped.


Regards.

Jakob

Lucius said:

Ha. I think the only way he's going to get the message is if you refuse to eat what he cooks.

Click to expand...

That was going to be my suggestion. Go out, get take out, go on a weekend fast... whatever your choice. He can maintain his own opinion of his abilities and his assessment of you as a culinary philistine ... win/win!

What's the big deal, I thought all British food was terrible? (Sorry, a-hole American joke)

Seriously though I think the blind taste testing is a great idea. You would have to get people who are strangers to your cooking though because it is often very easy to tell who out of a couple people has cooked food based on the style. His style sounds pretty detectable and his kids would probably want to spare his feelings and hand him the win.

What does "yob" mean. Is it like "gob" (as in "shut your gob)?

GB

General Burnside said:

What's the big deal, I thought all British food was terrible? (Sorry, a-hole American joke)

Click to expand...

Stick to your hamburgers then - it's not called junk food for nothing British food is what you are prepared to make of it - the problem is that many people are not prepared to make it properly. If you like light salads, then traditional British fare will leave you cold - if you prefer more wholesome then it could be right up your alley (just don't tell your cardiologist - there's too much saturated fat involved )

General Burnside said:

What does "yob" mean. Is it like "gob" (as in "shut your gob)?

Click to expand...

Yob = miscreant, low-grade hooligan usually.

General Burnside said:

I thought all British food was terrible? (Sorry, a-hole American joke)

Click to expand...

Let me educate you.

British food got a bad reputation in the post war period, quite deservedly. Rationing was to blame for a lot of the decline along with the era of true mass production which followed. This was exacerbated by the influx of ideas and recipes from other countries which were poorly understood and often used in inappropriate ways. The result was a period of very poor cuisine which didn't really end until the late 80's.

After that British food improved considerably and these days it's fairly good. Unfortunately it tends to be a bit of a mish mash of different international cuisines.

This is a shame because proper traditional British food is actually very good, classic traditional dishes for example:

Steak and Kidney Pudding
Stargazey Pie
Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding
Oxtail Stew
Shepherds Pie

and so on, are (when properly made) absolutely delicious. But food like that is now difficult to find, not that international dishes aren't nice but it's still a shame.

General Burnside said:

What does "yob" mean. Is it like "gob" (as in "shut your gob)?

Click to expand...

A yob is a loud and aggressive man who behaves antisocially, generally with connotations of youth and low social status.

I am reminded of head-in-the-clouds-up-their-own-@$$ chefs on Kitchen Nightmares, unwilling to effing see that their effing food is effing crap, in the effingly poignant phrasing of effing Gordon "F" Ramsay.

The solution is probably to just go "each cooks his own", so your stomach survives.

SepticTank said:

Just remembered - my mate used to have this problem with his mum's cooking - she sort of got the message when he had a 'catering size' bottle of Rennies (or Tums or something of that ilk) in the cupboard which he only put on the table when she cooked.

Click to expand...

I was going to ask if you just made that up because everyone knows ALL mums are great cooks . On reflection, however, like a lot of things nowadays, and due to all sorts of reasons, the only 'cooking' that some mums do is heating up ready meals from the supermarket
--
Paul

Nemo hic adest illius nominis

Nice rant! I go to a church in which every Sunday we have a cooking team that prepares a meal for about 100-150 (Depends on if the backsliders show up, lol) but a few teams are just awful cooks. Yesterday, one of the teams made cheap FoodMaxx brand exceptionally low quality chicken with a blended canned peach sauce over it with crunchy rice and ironically, rather good chopped boiled carrots The carrots were edible, but the peach sauce chicken made me gag. My tactic? I just ate the carrots and said I wasnt hungry much. Most people did about the same thing too...

If your pal insists on cooking with expensive products, dont help pay for them. Make an excuse that you simply cannot afford the pricey ingredients, even if you can. I would not recommend insulting his cooking, but let him insult yours all he wants. Take the high road, it usually works. Or as the Bible puts it: by loving your enemies, you will heap coals of fire on their head!

It sounds like he is going through a rough time with this divorce... If you want to help him try sitting down and just ask him how he is doing with the whole thing. I agree with a previous post that his insistence on cooking could be due to an independence problem that he is experiencing...

Best of luck

sapito318 said:

I go to a church in which every Sunday we have a cooking team that prepares a meal for about 100-150 (Depends on if the backsliders show up, lol) but a few teams are just awful cooks. Yesterday, one of the teams made cheap FoodMaxx brand exceptionally low quality chicken with a blended canned peach sauce over it with crunchy rice and ironically, rather good chopped boiled carrots The carrots were edible, but the peach sauce chicken made me gag. My tactic? I just ate the carrots and said I wasnt hungry much. Most people did about the same thing too...

Click to expand...

Methinks the number of attendees depends on who's cooking dinner!!

You could always just claim to be keeping Kosher/on a diet/allergic to ingredient X/etc.

It works on most of my friends who can't cook. The Kosher part even worked once and they all know that I'm not Jewish. We all grew up in the same church.

Man I have stupid friends.

trewornan said:

I will say something like, "let's have beans on toast for lunch, I'll cook".

"No, no, I know a really special recipe for beans on toast, it's delicious"

There will be no way to persuade him otherwise and of course the can of beans and loaf of sliced bread I have will not be nearly adequate for a truly great beans on toast - after all great chefs only use the finest ingredients.

Click to expand...

Your first mistake is letting him talk you out of cooking. If you say you will cook, then you need to cook. Don't back down.

Secondly, for this type of person (won't take no for an answer) the only thing you can do is keep repeating the word "no" till they get it. You may need to say it 500 times tho.

From what you have described, your friend is being subtly manipulative (as well as competitive) and relying on your goodwill in order to get his way. He counts on your not wanting an argument or disagreement. The only way out is to put your foot down.

Good luck.

I might see a solution to this problem but it might be a pain for you.

I think that maybe if you approach him the other way around, it might get him. What I mean...

Instead of going for the "bad food" criteria, before the cooking starts, have a chat with your mate and ask if he would show you how to do his next beans on toasts recipe. You are curious to understand how to do it properly and if he could show you so you can help, that would be great. If he is really passionate about it and really loves cooking, he will jump in.

Now, from there, if you sit in a corner, you will learn nothing. The idea is to be between him and the pot to see how he wants it done. Before doing such an exercise, read the pakage on the beans to know how long you have to cook them so you will have a solid fact to back the uncooked beans. Have a timer ready next to the beans. If he says to cook them for 30 minutes, you will then need a full 30 minutes on the time, not the approximation that might be 15 or 20. When cooking the beans, he will mention at one stage that the beans are ready. Does he taste his food before serving it? If not, that is a problem. Suggest tasting one as you are curious to know how the texture should be. Both do the tasting and this is when it will probably be too hard. Ask if the crunch is normal because you never had beans like that before. Normally, having the beans still in boiling water, it shouldn't be a problem to leave them in there. Again, the package should mention how soft the beans should be.

He might be too proud to say it's no good so he will say, ingredients are great and the food is great, whatever happens.

Now, this might not be your gig as it is not everyone's passion to cook. However, being in your situation, I think you can only improve the situation. Hope this helps.