Gentleman's Essentials: Table Manners

General Etiquette:

Be sure to turn off or silence your cell phone; you are in the company of others. Take your hat off at the table. Sit upright in your chair with your feet flat on the floor. Do not rock your chair back.

Once seated, the napkin goes in your lap. If you must leave the table, excuse yourself politely and place the napkin on your chair. It is acceptable to rest your forearms on the table. It is not, however, acceptable to place your elbows on the table.

If someone is hosting, wait for him or her to start eating before you do, unless he or she tells you otherwise. Also, don’t start eating until every person has been served. An exception to this is if those who were not served request you begin without waiting.

When passing anything on the table, always pass to the right. Never reach across the table.

Work from the outside in with silverware. If present, the outside fork is for salad, the next one in is for the entrée, etc. Your fork may be held in either hand, but when cutting, the fork goes in the left hand. The blade of your knife should be placed on the edge of your plate when you aren’t using it (with the sharp part facing the inside of the plate). A used piece of silverware should never be placed back on the table. When you finish eating soup, or stirring tea/coffee that is in a saucer, place the used spoon on the soup plate/saucer.

Don’t blow on any food (to cool it down) and don’t slurp soups. While no one really pays attention, the proper way to eat soup is to spoon the soup away from you. Tip the bowl away from you to polish off the soup.

When eating meat and other foods that need to be sliced before consumption only slice a couple of pieces at a time. Do not cut up the entire slab of steak before eating from it.

Do not speak with your mouth full. Take smaller bites so you don’t look like a ravenous animal and so you can respond to questions in a timely, non-embarrassing manner when the opportunity presents itself.

When you have finished eating, place your utensils onto your plate with the handles hanging slightly off the edge at the 4:00 position. The tips of the utensils should be near the center of the plate and the blade of the knife should be pointing towards you.

Try to keep pace with everyone else so that you finish with the majority of the group (you don’t want to be the last one eating and you don’t want to be the first one done either).


Setting a Table:

When setting a table, the bread plate/salad is placed above and left of the main plate. The beverage(s) are set on the right. If a bread knife is to be used, it should be placed on the bread plate with the handle pointing to the right.

Forks and the napkin are placed to the left of the main plate. If a salad is to be served, the salad fork should be to the left of the main fork. Soup spoons and knives are placed on the right of the main plate, with the soup spoon on the outside of the knife. Dessert utensils should be placed above the plate, or simply served with desert. Remember to only set cutlery that will be required for the meal.

Wine glasses are typically placed directly above the knife with the water glass to the left of it. Coffee mugs or teacups are placed to the right of the setting with the cup’s handle and the handle of the spoon pointing right.


When in a restaurant:

To signal the waiter, subtly wave your hand. Never snap your fingers or yell for your waiter. Asking for recommendations is perfectly fine, but don’t say something along the lines of “what’s good?”

If you’re in a fancy restaurant with bussers and waiters, you can let the busser know you want bread or water, but do not try to order other drinks or food from him/her.

In high-end restaurants, never, ever add anything to a meal that has been prepared by a chef. This is insulting to the chef. If you’re really set on adding something (such as salt, pepper, etc.), taste what you were given first before doing so. What I’m really trying to get at here is that you should trust the seasonings used by the chef. (If you go to a hamburger joint, it’s perfectly fine to put ketchup on your burger).

Great stuff, thanks for posting! I'm sure we can all learn something from that excellent post. A few comments, if I may, this being a subject in which I take a passing interest:

When passing anything on the table, always pass to the right.

Click to expand...

While it's exceedingly important to exhibit good manners, we have to be careful that we're not learning pointless rules that have no basis in utility. The above rule, for example. I'm speaking from an English perspective, so perhaps this is a common polite behaviour among Americans, but generally I would say that it's a load of old rhubarb.

There's absolutely nothing to suggest that passing items to the left is improper. During full butler service, it is often expected, in fact. Pass left and right with confidence, I say!

Your fork may be held in either hand, but when cutting, the fork goes in the left hand. The blade of your knife should be placed on the edge of your plate when you aren’t using it (with the sharp part facing the inside of the plate).

Click to expand...

Big alarm bells are ringing. This may be acceptable in American society, but only children and oafs (no offense, but it is honestly considered oafish) eat that way in Europe. Always hold your fork in your left, and your knife in your right. No exceptions.

Also, when placing cutley on plate (in order to leave the table, or just to pause for polite conversation - do plenty of this), you should never prop it up on the plate (as I think is suggested above) as if it were a board leading up to a pirate ship - it's unstable, and instability is impolite as you don't want to mess up your host's cloth. The knife and fork should both be placed on the plate, fork on the left, knife on the right. Don't place them together, because that will signal the staff that you have finished your plate, and wish to have it removed.

While no one really pays attention, the proper way to eat soup is to spoon the soup away from you. Tip the bowl away from you to polish off the soup.

Click to expand...

...and take your soup from the broad edge of the spoon, of course. Don't shovel it into your mouth as if you were feeding an infant.

When setting a table, the bread plate/salad is placed above and left of the main plate.

Click to expand...

Directly to the left of the main charger/plate is the practice here. It would be annoying to your diner to have to reach forward for their bread-plate.

Wine glasses are typically placed directly above the knife with the water glass to the left of it. Coffee mugs or teacups are placed to the right of the setting with the cup’s handle and the handle of the spoon pointing right.

Click to expand...

Under no circumstances should coffee cups (never, ever mugs) or tea cups be placed on the table during dining. Bring them in at the end.

As you describe, the correct placement for glasses is above the knives. They traditionally cluster in a 2x2 grid. They are arranged from bottom-left to top-right in order of typical use. Water glass in the bottom-left. White wine glass (typically used first, of the dinner wines) in the bottom-right. Red wine glass top-left (typically used later, of the dinner wines, due to its heavier character). Pudding wine glass in the top-right (serve an actual pudding wine - save the madeira and port for desserts, once you have left the table. Drink sherry before the meal).

It's acceptable to bring your champagne glass to the table. Don't rush it, but don't keep drinking it after the first course of wines have been served. It might get removed at this stage by the staff, too.

In high-end restaurants, never, ever add anything to a meal that has been prepared by a chef. This is insulting to the chef. If you’re really set on adding something (such as salt, pepper, etc.), taste what you were given first before doing so. What I’m really trying to get at here is that you should trust the seasonings used by the chef.

Click to expand...

This is true up to a point. You wouldn't ask the chef to add garlic to his speciality, but it is accepted that everyone has their individual taste when it comes to final seasoning. It's perfectly acceptable at every table in the land, from the brick-layer's to the Queen's, to add salt and pepper according to your taste, once at the table. Do try it first, of course, to avoid being what Pratchett calls "an autocondimenter". =)


There's so much more that could be written (buy Debretts if you're interested), but the general rule is: be considerate. Manners are nothing more than making your fellow man feel at ease, and show that you consider him.


Toodlepip,

Hobbes

Hobbesoxon said:

Always hold your fork in your left, and your knife in your right. No exceptions.

Hobbes

Click to expand...

I'm an American and I always eat that way. I'm right handed, but apparently it's uncommon enough here in the States that when eating out with acquaintances I am routinely asked if I'm left handed because my fork never leaves my left hand.

This topic always causes healthy debate with Americans. Sure, in America - do what you like would be my advise. "When in Rome, do as the Romans." When I go to India, I plan to eat curry with my hands and scoops of naan bread. =)

European perspective: putting down your knife, and using your fork only, is seen as shovelling food into your mouth, as if you were feeding a train with coal. It's inelegant and makes you look like a ruffian. It's fine in the comfort of your own home, but if you're doing it at a Formal Hall or other decent dinner, you're just going to get punched directly in the face. No one likes being punched directly in the face.

My college has a very large number of students from the US, typically around 50%. Using both items of cutlery to eat a meal is the Number One thing they all do differently upon arrival. They all change their habits ("When in Rome...") after a while, some faster than others, but usually within the first two months. The majority of these folk are from US Ivy League establishments, too, for what it's worth. It's just a cultural difference. However, behave like that outside the US, and the aforementioned face-punching can be only moments away.


Toodlepip,

Hobbes

Don't put huge chunks of food in your mouth because you're to lazy to cut it into smaller pieces.
When eating out I have seen countless folks try to manoeuvre huge blobs into their mouths with the ensuing mess that results, not a pleasant sight, besides it's healthier to feed a mouth with smaller pieces.

and switch OFF that damned cell phone, it's so disrespectful of present company.

Cell phone - 100% of the time need to be turned off or at least silenced.

My wife always adds pepper/salt before trying the meal first - habit I guess.

Try to eat with my mother-in-law - she eats so fast, I'm not even half finished before she's pushing her empty plate from away from her.

For some reason, I like to enjoy my meal.

Thanks for the reminder on manners.

Prince said:

Cell phone - 100% of the time need to be turned off or at least silenced.

My wife always adds pepper/salt before trying the meal first - habit I guess.

Try to eat with my mother-in-law - she eats so fast, I'm not even half finished before she's pushing her empty plate from away from her.

For some reason, I like to enjoy my meal.

Thanks for the reminder on manners.

Click to expand...

Another thing one should avoid doing.

Chew with your lips closed.

Don't talk with food in your mouth. If you must violate this for some reason, put your hand or napkin in front of your mouth.

Don't even think of answering the cell phone unless someone is bleeding to death on the other end and excuse yourself from the table before answering.

Cell phone off or set to vibrate.

Put down any flatware that is not immediately in use (ie: do not hold on to the knife that is not cutting. Do not gesticulate with the flatware, etc.)

The napkin's right there; use it, we care not whether you wipe or blot your mouth, but pick one.

edit: Bring the food to your mouth, not the reverse. (ie: don't hunch down over the plate)

Oh man, this could get out of hand; already the cultural differences are glaring (pudding wine?!? We don't do "pudding" on this side of the pond, Msr. Toodlepip. ) (on the plus side, that means we don't have to worry about eating our meat)

And the "no slurping soup" bit will no doubt be contested by some of our Japanese friends...

RichGem said:

Don't even think of answering the cell phone unless someone is bleeding to death on the other end and excuse yourself from the table before answering.

Click to expand...

How would one know the status of anyone on the other end, unless one answered the call? Agreed with excusing yourself from the table before answering.

Hobbesoxon said:

European perspective: putting down your knife, and using your fork only, is seen as shovelling food into your mouth, as if you were feeding a train with coal. It's inelegant and makes you look like a ruffian.

Click to expand...

So, you would use a knife on mashed potatoes? Bite-sized vegetable morsels?

Baloosh said:

How would one know the status of anyone on the other end, unless one answered the call? Agreed with excusing yourself from the table before answering.

Click to expand...

uh, that was sarcasm. my point being that if you know it isn't going to be an important call, don't take it.

Rorschuck said:

So, you would use a knife on mashed potatoes? Bite-sized vegetable morsels?

Click to expand...

Euro custom, IIRC, is to use the back (bottom) of the fork for small veg, potatoes, etc. (ie: flip the fork over so the tines are pointing down and place the food on the curve of the tines.) But, to me it always seemed too tricky to balance and not end up wearing your peas (or whatever). However, I do tend to eat food that I've stabbed with the tines using the fork in this position. But, then, I also always eat left handed and use my right for the knife (tho, I'm not Euro).

Rorschuck said:

So, you would use a knife on mashed potatoes? Bite-sized vegetable morsels?

Click to expand...

Yes. Use knife and fork to pick up desired amount of mash on back of the fork and spear* anything bite size with the fork.

Anyway it all depends on where you are and who you're with. Personally, unless you're teaching a child how to eat, I think telling someone how to eat 'properly' shows very bad manners.

As long I as feel that I have shown the appropriate manners for the occassion I don't really care about what the rest of the table are doing (kids excepted - it'll be chaos otherwise ). There're enough things in the world to worry about.

Just my tuppence worth.

*Not with an overarm mammoth hunting action.

I usually eat alone, as by the time I prepare a plate for myself the girls have already wolfed down the grub too quickly to even notice if there was silverware on the table. Is this covered in your rules?

One more thing- a lot of you guys are going to have some explaining to do when you find out that god is left handed.

ouch said:

I usually eat alone, as by the time I prepare a plate for myself the girls have already wolfed down the grub too quickly to even notice if there was silverware on the table. Is this covered in your rules?

One more thing- a lot of you guys are going to have some explaining to do when you find out that god is left handed.

Click to expand...

And we know this... because? (waiting for really good/funny joke/proof).

blades said:

and switch OFF that damned cell phone, it's so disrespectful of present company.

Click to expand...

Last year, I had an American to visit for business. He was a nice guy. We went to a great local restaurant, because he was paying (heh), so we picked a really good venue (The Old Parsonage, if you know Oxford). He didn't turn off his 'phone, and kept answering it. OK, I can deal with that. It happens.

Then he started tapping away on his laptop.

I had to restrain myself from jumping over the table and forking his hands. That wouldn't have been polite of me.

Rorschuck said:

So, you would use a knife on mashed potatoes? Bite-sized vegetable morsels?

Click to expand...

Oh yes. The knife is your little controlling instrument, with which you elegantly load your fork. Without it, you are pushing food around your plate like a 3-year-old.

Peas are the traditional classic. The etiquette books all say that you should always try to eat them in combination with other foods, so that you can use the fork in the correct (tines-down) position. In practice, unless you're at a black-tie affair, most people will flip the fork over and indulge in a little wanton shoveling. Usually with a guilty expression. It's typical for most people to avoid peas at formal dinner.


Toodlepip,

Hobbes

P.s. Pudding wine: know it, love it.

P.p.s. I'm fully aware that most Americans think English folk are effette fools for eating the way we do, while the English reciprocate for thinking that Americans are a bunch of oiks. Such is the beauty of cultural differences. For what it's worth, the relationship between the French and the English is the same as between the English and the American (with the French thinking we are barbarians, and we thinking the French are nancies). Figuratively speaking, middle-of-the-bell-curve, generalising stuff.

Magicpixie said:

Personally, unless you're teaching a child how to eat, I think telling someone how to eat 'properly' shows very bad manners.

Click to expand...

This is so, so true. Never have this discussion with anyone outside B&B unless it's a mutual fun thing. Lecturing someone on their bad manners in The Real World is hideously bourgeois. I haven't ever seen it happen yet, but I'm waiting...

Hobbesoxon said:

Oh yes. The knife is your little controlling instrument, with which you elegantly load your fork. Without it, you are pushing food around your plate like a 3-year-old.

Click to expand...

Well, I'd hardly call gently dipping into a mound of mashed 'taters "pushing food around your plate like a 3-year-old", but to each his own; you did bring us Floris and Penhaligon's, so I'll let your effete ninnyness slide.

Hobbesoxon said:

This is so, so true. Never have this discussion with anyone outside B&B unless it's a mutual fun thing. Lecturing someone on their bad manners in The Real World is hideously bourgeois. I haven't ever seen it happen yet, but I'm waiting...

Click to expand...

Yes, a direct punch in the face is more the norm.