Karen Hall for President!

I know it's very late in the race, but in America anything is possible, so I've decided to throw my hat into the ring.

Here's my campaign speech:

If I'm elected, I will solve every problem currently plaguing mankind. There will be no more despair, anxiety, illness, poverty, heartache, heartburn, indigestion or athlete's foot. I will wipe out hatred, discrimination and road rage. Ice cream will be good for you and doctors will tell you to go easy on the broccoli.

There is no need to talk about how how I will handle wars, because there won't be any. The terrorists will dismantle their training camps and grind their suicide bombs into Beanie Babies. Which, by the way, will once again be valuable collectors' items, as will Hummels and Cherished Teddies.

I will wipe out the deficit in three weeks, and I'll do it while cutting the taxes of all working people. (Please note that I said the working people. The Evil Rich People will all be killed, on a new gladiator-style reality show called "Death to the Evil Rich People." And their money will be divided up and passed out the working people. While the Evil Rich People are waiting for their turn in the ring, they will live in FEMA concentration camps and/or toil as slaves in the homes of the working people.)

Every working American will have health insurance, car insurance, flood, earthquake, meteor and supervolcano under Yellowstone Park insurance. Every working American will have a 4000 square foot home with an unlimited budget for decorating and furnishing same. Said houses will come with 30 acres of rolling hills on beachfront property and a staff of servants made up, naturally, of people who were formally the Evil Rich.

Any problems that I have forgotten to name will also be solved, and all within the first month of my presidency. And everyone will get a free Prius. Which they won't really need, since gas will once again be 25 cents a gallon and Climate Change will be something your children will read about in history books.

And one final thing: there will be unity. There WILL be unity. If you don't agree with the people who agree with me, you'll be locked in a room with a bunch of Evil Rich People and you won't be allowed to come out until you do agree with me. So there WILL be unity, dammit!

Oh, I almost forgot to mention: we will no longer have the problem of unwanted pregnancies because there won't be any. I'm going to do away with those right away.

I know I don't have any experience, but I'm sure you understand that this is the good news. The experienced people have really messed things up, which is proof enough that I'll do a great job.

Thank you for your time. Please turn the speakers up and play the Bruce Springsteen song of your choice.

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