In the summer of 2012 my best friend got married on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. I've only met his wife-to-be a couple of times, but we've talked on the phone a lot. She very quickly became one of my best friends. We're both named Matt, so she calls me her other husband. I was the only non-blood-family invited to their wedding. He was concerned if I wouldn't be able to make it, since up until the beginning of June I was in Poland. Two weeks before the wedding I called Budget Rent-A-Car to reserve a rental.
I showed up to Budget at 0700 to pick up my car, only to be told it hadn't been returned yet. They offer me a Chevy Aveo, I say no. They offer me a GEO METRO, and of course I decline. They call around, and ask if a Camaro will be okay. I say yes. When they bring it around, it is bright brilliant banana yellow. As soon as I see it, I start laughing like the Joker.
I go outside to start loading my stuff in, and my wife asks me if that car was mine. Still laughing like a hyena I say yes. She sighs and says, "As soon as I saw it I went 'Oh s**t, that has to be his.' No-one else has that luck."
I climb in, hook up the GPS, MP3 player, and plug in the headset for my phone. I put on my sunglasses, and hit the road. I rock Dio and Iron Maiden almost the whole way, mixing it up with a little Bon Jovi going through New York. I get powerfully bored, despite the insanely brilliant car and great music. I am on the phone with my wife and my friend off-and-on. When I hit New York, he tells me that his parents got lost in Brandywine, Maryland. I ask him how, since Brandywine basically has one traffic light. He is on the verge of panic and screams at me he doesn't know. I ask why his parents don't have a GPS, and he says because they're stupid. I tell him they can get a used one at a pawn shop for less than fifty dollars, and he says they don't HAVE fifty dollars. I relent. When I hit Buffalo I grab a nice bottle of Savignon Blanc, a bottle of Chopin potato vodka, a bottle of Sailor Jerry Navy Rum, and the Canada chip for my GPS unit. Grabbing some lunch, I head across the bridge and into Canada. As I'm leaving the border I call my friend and tell him I'm lost in Brandywine. He tells me to sod off.
When I get to the border, the nice lady working the booth asks if I have any controlled substances. I tell her about the stuff I just bought in Buffalo, as well as the bottle of absinthe and single-distilled vodka I brought back from Poland as wedding gifts. She asks to see the receipt for them, and I produce the receipt for the stuff I just bought, but tell her I bought the other stuff around six months ago and don't have it. She asks about weapons, and I tell her I have my Leatherman, and a pocket knife. She waves me through after checking my passport.
When my friend shows up the next day, I ask how the drive was. He tells me he was nervous going through the border because he had a case of soda in the trunk and they almost searched his car. Laughing, I tell him about going through for me. He gets pissed and demands to know how I lead such a charmed life, going through with booze with no trouble at all. I tell him it's attitude. We romp around Niagara Falls for the afternoon, his wife-to-be standing close to me because I'm wearing Pinaud Clubman's ASL and smell more manly than my best friend, who's wearing AXE. He demands to know what I'm doing that his future wife wants to stand closer to me than to him. I respond, without missing a beat, that I smell like a man instead of like a high-school sophomore. He gets ready to yell, shrugs, and drops the subject. When we get back to the hotel I give him an unopened bottle of Pinaud.
That night, we ride in the Camaro back to New York for some wings. When we're in the queue for the border-crossing, I realize I forgot my passport. I tell the American guard that I left it in the hotel back in Canada, and he lets me in, tells me how to turn around, and waves me on. I tell the Canadian guard I left my passport in my hotel, and he waves me through. My best friend is astonished that I just entered two countries without a passport. We grab, hit 100 mph going through New York, only to arrive twenty minutes after Duff's closed. We turn around and head back to Niagara, going to the Hard Rock for dinner.
The next morning was the wedding. He had stayed in my room, and shaved that morning. He was using the 38C I had PIFed him, along with AOS sandalwood cream. He asked if he could use my Pinaud Clubman ASL, since he had left his in the room. I say sure. I hear the cap land on the sink, and grin as I hear him inhale sharply as he splashes it on, and stings him mightily. He finally comes out of the bathroom, his eyes wide, and loudly proclaims that THAT STUFF STINGS. I grin, slap him on the arm, and tell him that it may sting, but it also makes him smell like a Real Man. He laughs.
I wear a Joseph A Bank suit with lavender shirt, lavender paisley tie and matching pocket silk. He wears a shirt, tie, and vest. I outdress him. After the wedding, simple ceremony overlooking the falls, we go to a buffet inside the hotel. I open a tab to get myself a gin & tonic, and a virgin pina colada for the new bride. Her dad asks me to get a drink for him as well, and it goes on my tab. Afterwards he goes to pay for the meal, and I ask to pay for my tab. Astonished, he asks if the drinks went on the table's tab, and I say no. Later he tells the new bride that I snuck the drinks by him, and she laughs. She tells her dad that I'm tricky, and she can never get anything by me. Later we go back to the new couple's hotel room for some drinks. I crack open the wine, and I've been drinking straight from the rum bottle for about an hour. My friend pulls me aside and apologizes for not spending that much time with me. I shake my head, saying I more than understand. He should spend time with his new wife, that I'm a big boy and can find my own trouble to get into.
The next day we head out. My friend's parents decide to stay another couple of days, but I head back to Virginia. It takes me about nine hours to get back, but it's dead-fun the whole way.
That was probably the most fun I think I've ever had.