But we'll dance in the dark and they'll play with our lives - David Bowie
I've been married for almost three years now. Some of the advice I would give to another person would be, don't go to bed angry. Always resolve a disagreement before going to bed. That's something you both need to commit to.
Consider your wife before yourself, care for her, guard her, and sacrifice for her. As a Christian I believe what the bible says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. "(Eph 5:25) That means you must be self sacrificing for your wife's sake. That's the best advice I can give you.
One last thing in connection with my previous point: marriage will begin to show you how really selfish you are, it's true of everyone. I had no idea how selfish I was until I got married. If when you've been selfish you're able to recognize it, apologize to her, and try to consider your wife's needs ahead of yours in the future you will have gone a long way to making a good marriage.
TOFLAC-U, AOM, LEMS/ Stay back! I have a Merkur, and I know how to use it!
Congrats! I've been married for 9 wonderful years now.
On my wedding day, one of my groomsmen gave me a piece of advice that I still use today. I'll pass it on to you in hopes that it helps you:
"Cave early and cave often."
Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself ~ Rumi
1. Love each other.
2. Like each other.
3. Trust each other.
4. Don't do anything that would break #3
5. Give each other space.
6. Don't go to bed mad.
7. Don't let resentment creep into your life. (Talk about the small stuff)
I am going to keep it short and sweet and come from another angle. It is a statistical fact that most divorces are cause because of money and financial problems. From what I understand, the best way to prevent financial problems is for both of you to be in charge of your finances (including rent or mortgage, bank accounts, spending habits, etc.) A lot of times, one person in the relationship manages the finances and this is probably not a good idea. And remember, financial problems are not simply one (or both) of you being laid off and not being able to pay rent......financial problems also include one person believing it is okay to go on shopping sprees every weekend while the other wants to start saving money for the future. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to money.
First I would like to say thank you for the very generous PIF! I married my soul mate and best friend in December and I've never been happier. There is a very simple reason my wife Sarah and I have the happiest marriage I know. My wife demands 100% honesty. I'll be honest it was a challenge for me in the beginning of our relationship. I was used to telling small lies here and there from my previous relationships. Most of the time there was no real reason to lie except for maybe it was just easier than the truth. Lies in a relationship are a disease...they fester until there is zero trust and once that happens your relationship might as well be over. I'm the happiest I've ever been because I don't have that little voice in the back of my head telling me I'm not living the way I should be. Also, it's a great feeling knowing my wife is hiding NOTHING from me and I am hiding NOTHING from her. Tell the truth every time all the time and you and your wife will be happily married for the rest of your lives.
First of all, congratulations on your upcoming marriage! I've been married for going on 7 years now, myself. And I can't imagine life without my wonderful wife. I'm sure you knew almost immediately that she was a very special woman, as I knew I wanted to marry mine within days of meeting her for the first time.
While my experience is still fairly limited, I'll do what I can to help guide and advise. There's already a TON of great advice in this thread, too! And thank you for your generosity! Those are wonderful gifts. I hope we can all return that generosity with some excellent words of wisdom.
First, something I learned a lot about just recently. Learn to listen and communicate with each other well. And I don't mean just talk about what's going on in your day. That's important, too. But you need to tell each other how you're doing emotionally and mentally. You'll learn a lot about each other, despite what you think you already know. You'll learn more about each other's histories, families, and friends, both good and bad. Sometimes things that are old and buried in memories can come up and really become issues. Don't be afraid to open up and talk about how you feel. As a spouse, being able to listen to one another's concerns and issues goes a long, long way to getting past them or dealing with them. And sometimes, just being a great listener or sounding board can do wonders, too! By saying something out loud, it can really give a whole new dimension to whatever issue is nagging. So, be willing to listen and share what's going on, physically, mentally, and emotionally. You're joining in marriage, which means you should be able to share anything and everything with each other.
If there's something either of you wants to discuss, don't judge each other, especially if the topic may be sensitive or upsetting. Listen, and try to form opinions and feelings as though you're a neutral party. This makes the conversation more comfortable, and lets you get past all of the emotions that may cloud your minds.
Don't ever be afraid to admit that you need help with something. If you can't handle something alone, that's why we have spouses, friends, and family! Ask for help. And, if the problem is ever too great for even your spouse to help with, please don't be afraid to seek professional advice. Sometimes actually having a neutral third party can help resolve issues that may otherwise cause all kinds of problems down the road.
You don't always NEED to do things together! When we got married, we were attached at the hip. If we wanted to run off and do something, we would feel guilty that the other person was left alone to fend for themselves. We're grown-ups! Big boys and girls. Don't feel guilty or upset about going to lunch with a friend or coworker. Don't feel guilty about taking up a hobby that you really enjoy. We all need personal time to ourselves to do things that are important or that we love. And when you're done, you can talk all about it with each other and share. You should find things you both enjoy doing together, yes. But you shouldn't give up doing things you love, simply because your spouse won't join you or doesn't enjoy doing the same things. Run off! Have fun. Then come back to her, snuggle up, and share your experience with her.
And lastly, believe in each other. Know that together you can conquer any obstacles that may arise. It won't always be easy. But tackling tough situations together can make a world of difference. If you work together, talk about things, formulate a plan, and stay on the same page, you'll do great.
Enjoy every minute of it, good and bad. Some people like to say that a bad day golfing is always better than a day at the office. In a similar manner, even a bad day means you still have her at your side. And that's better than anything else out there. Tell her how much she means to you, and show her with your actions. Make her feel loved, special, and sexy. You don't need to buy flowers and chocolates for her every day. But little hints and reminders here and there go a looooooong way.
So much other great advice has already been given. But here's mine. I wish you both the best in your marriage. May it be full of blessings for many, many years to come. Cheers!
Wow lots of great advice already.
The most important things I have found are:
Be yourself, and let her be herself. When you get married there are all these expectations and assumptions. You start changing and adapting to your spouse. You let things slide and put up with stuff you normally wouldn't because you want things to work and you want to make the other person happy. Sometimes that can be great. compromise is very important for two people sharing their lives. But on the other hand you can forget who you are and what your dreams are, what you like and don't like. Then 5 years down the line you are miserable because you've changed so much, bit by bit, you've forgotten who you are. You lost your individuality to make the marriage work. Ironically your spouse may not be so fond of you anymore either, since you are no longer the person she entered the marriage with!
So adapt to challenges and compromise with your spouse...but don't lose who you are.
Don't be afraid to fight or complain. Don't do it incessantly but if something is bothering you speak up! or else it will fester and become an even bigger problem down the line. The reverse is also important: you have to be open and accepting of complaints and critsizims from her. Make her feel comfortable coming to you with issues so you can get them out of the way quickly. If she feels judged or minimized she'll only grow to resent you.
Be honest. Hiding things and lying about things are the best way to ruin a marriage. Money, cheating, whatever...there's no sense being married to someone if you have to lie to them to maintain the marriage.
Do nice things for her semi-often and with no reason for it. Run her a bath, bring her flowers, massage her back, cook her a nice dinner, etc. Don't expect anything in return and don't make a big deal out of it...you do it because making her happy makes you happy. And if, eventually, you find that its a pain in the ass to do something nice for no reason then that's a warning sign that something is up.
Looking back over that it seems kinda pessimistic...but these are lessons i've learned the hard way!
Ive been married 9 years to my best friend we are very happy together and this is what has worked for us: if you are both looking for your own happiness you will never find it. If you on the other hand do all you can to ensure her happiness, she will do likewise for you. You won't have the chance to be selfish. Either of you. You're love for each other will grow like you never thought possible and you'll find that you will do anything for the good of your marriage. This applies to everything from picking a movie to watch to choosing where you will live. My $0.02
as always YMMV.
I wish you both the best.
congratulations to you...
taking the plunge, I may not win with this so ill keep it short and sweet.
Take time to talk.
Eat together often.
Listen to what she has to say.
Help her - alot (men are lazy mostly)
Tell her Shes beautiful - your still in the honeymoon phase, once this goes its easy to fall into a rut.
enjoy all your time together - you never know when there gona be gone - morbid yes but many of us take our lives/wives for granted once you have been together for years.
good luck mate.
The Kiwi Shaver.
1. Be honest, even when it hurts.
2. Admit when you're wrong.
3. Treat her like an equal (only more equal than you are!)
Leigh ~ straights, single edges, double edges, boars, badgers, pipes ~ BOTOC
Congrats on the forth coming wedding. A fine institution and I highly recomend it. As for advice.......
Just love her and be happy.
Happily married for 13+ years, and congratulations on beginning yours.
Things are not always great (sometimes the first year can be the roughest, as well as the best), but when I just want to walk away I stop, think about our life together and our plans for the future. Arguments are often caused by either one, or usually both people focussing on themselves (and that's occasionally natural, especially when energies are low/have been used elsewhere). Stopping to think about the before and the future helps remind me of bigger picture of love that we have and are building. It helps get though the rough spots... And that is all they are in the long run... Spots, which are necessary to appreciate the regular enjoyment!
The emotional bank account. Put into her account every day, something small, but every day. It could be stopping what your doing to give her a hug and kiss when she walks in the door, or offering to help in some small way. That way when you need to make a withdrawal, and we all do stupid things when at some point we will need to make that withdrawal, we have already made enough regular deposits to not go into the red, or if we do go that far - a line of "emotional credit" will be offered.
As opposed to...
if you are making emotional withdrawals every day. This can be taxing on even the most generous person, and when we do that stupid thing, whatever it may be, where we need to make a withdrawal, we may find that we are already over-extended and no credit is available, and then "emotional bank" is gets closed (bankrupt)... We know what happens after that.
And most importantly - DON'T KEEP COUNT, just do it!
There is so much more wonderful helpful information, but a marriage is like any other relationship. Keep that in mind, and keep it a priority in your life (not the only one, but one of the "big rocks") and you will find that you will do fine.
Priorities: in order for a relationship to fully live it must have 3 parts. You, her, and the both of you. Keep them separate. You need a life away from her, and she needs a life away from you, and you both need a life with each other. Without the life away from each other you will run out of things to bring to the relationship - like sharing a paper bag to breath in - eventually there will be no good air to breath. Get the fresh air and bring it to the relationship. All of the rough spots in our marriage can be attributed to one person, or both, not living their life in this balance.
Love is not only a feeling. It is a verb - an action. Do it everyday. Make it a habit.
I hope something of this sticks... And is useful and helpful.
If the surf is up south side, you know where you can find me when I'm done shaving.
Mahalo nui loa,
My best marriage advice?
After 18 years I've learnt this...
When only ONE wins, BOTH lose.
"You want some respect? Go out there and get it for yourself!"
Paul aka Mad Man
Also, if finances are as important as many of agree, finish this generus PIF and cancel your account. This place will eat your finances alive.
B.O.S.S. (Founder), Knight of the VEG Table, BOTOC, OGA
My wife and I have now been married for 12 years and here are some great things I have learned in this journey that made our relationship stronger
1. You do the dishes (might sound funny, but I promise it will pay many dividends in the years to come)
2. Learn how to say "I'm sorry" and mean it
3. Learn how to truly forgive
4. Set "ground rules" for arguments i.e. No storming out of the room, don't bring up past wrongs already forgiven, don't decide to argue when one or the other is worn out and tired...you will learn each other's "buttons" and it is important that you don't "push" them when having an argument
Congratulations and I wish you the very best and thanks for the PIF!
Last edited by jdrum3; 05-09-2012 at 05:22 AM.
"Better to shave again before a date than too close the next morning" BOTOC
Must have's for any good Marriage:
Last edited by chicagotrim; 05-09-2012 at 07:35 AM.
Well, as a man who has tried and failed at marriage, I suggest you think about PIFing your fiancee! Just kidding...
But fasten your seat belt and wear a cup...the honeymoon is short. And there's no money back guarantee or lifetime warranty. Caveat Emptor.
Echo Recon, 1st Battalion/5th Cavalry, 1st Cavalry Division, RVN 1968
When it's dark, who will kill the hungry wolf?
Advice: don't do it
Congratulation! I pray for a long life of happiness and fullfillment together!
I wish I had a happy heart on the subject to share with you, sadly I dont as my marriage is in a crisis. But I don't wish to bring the thread down. This is your happy moment and you deserve it! I'm going to take a different approach than anyone thus far has, and post my advice directly from the Word of God. The best advice I've ever gotten, read on my wedding day, and the best advice one can give in my opinion.
From Ephesians Ch. 5 verse 21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Thanks for the opportunity!
- John - In like Flynn for the 2013 Sabbatical - Knock on the sky, and listen to the sound