** PIF ** Marriage Advice PIF: Simpson Brush and Software up for Grabs!

[bbarton713]

Congrats on finding the perfect woman for you!!!

My advice is simple, make sure you keep dating your wife or someone else will!

[Kooze]

Congrats!

My advice is to pay attention to her. Life is full of distractions. You chose to make this woman the #1 priority in your life. Treat her like it. Don't be that couple eating out on a Saturday night who are texting like crazy, with barely a glance on word for each other.
Listen to each other. don't tune her out or just yes her to death.
Think of how things will impact the two of you. She is your partner. Your other/ better half.
its hard to find someone to fall in love with- put the time in to maintain it.
find things that interest both of you.
A relationship is like a job. You have to work at.

[biloxi123]

First of all, congrats on finding that special someone! Lots of good advice here you'd be wise to heed. However, I don't know about the "toe" thing, but if it makes her happy....do it. I don't know the secret of success, but I sure know the secret of failure. When either or both of you start thinking in terms of "me" instead of "we", the foundation of your relationship will crumble. I was married for 28 years to my first wife, it survived countless military deployments, her illness, bankruptcy, and all the trials and tribulations of raising kids. But the thing that destroyed our marriage, was when we let our selfish desires change us from being a couple to just two people who live together. Again, congrats and all the best to you and your lady.

[jbradley]

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. There is nothing like marriage. My advise is simple. Wake up every day and make a concious decision to love each other. Lust is an emotion that you can't control. Love is a decision that you make. You WILL fall out of lust. And even if you don't, there are 23 more hours to the day that have to be filled. Decide to love her every day, no matter what.

[bkfist]

Congratulations my friend. As a twice divorced divorce attorney, I may seem like an odd fellow to be giving advice. But since I too am on the verge of getting married, it's safe to say I haven't given up on the institution.

As a veteran of failed marriages and numerous failed relationships, I couldn't help noticing how few really great marriages there are. I meet plenty of divorced people. I meet plenty of married people with all sorts of undercurrents of frustration and resentment running constantly. But truly happy people seem a rarity. So I would have thought myself the last person who might find himself in one of those elusive, great marriages. And yet I think that's what I have now. We're living together and were spiritually married two years ago. It's been an amazingly beautiful journey.

Here are the keys as I see them:

1. First thing, you gotta know that "She's really hot" is not a good reason to marry someone. And, no; I don't care how hot she is. Beauty fades, not only with age but also with familiarity. If you don't like a woman, she won't seem attractive after a while no matter how attractive she may be on the outside. So forget about "cute and crazy"; go for "plane and sane."

2. If you really love and respect someone, and she loves and respects you, the attraction will grow. Friendship is a great place to begin a relationship. If there doesn't seem to be chemistry at first, that can actually be a good thing. Don't stop with the outer picture. Focus on who the person is underneath. This may not work with someone you find positively repulsive, but know that attraction can and does grow.

3. Know that everything in the marriage is a mirror. What I mean by that is no matter how badly she seems to behave, you have the power to diffuse it. If she's triggered by something, an open heart and a willingness to listen and express empathy will allow her heart to open. People only get caught in conflict when both are triggered at the same time. Then no one's there to hold the other and they spiral down the abyss into conflict. At times like that, recognize the places where you're caught and do whatever you need to do to get yourself uncaught. If that means taking some space, do so.

4. Memorize and frequently use the three most important words there are in relationship. Those words are (are you ready?) . . . "You make sense." Now, to be clear, "you make sense" does not mean "you were right about everything; I was wrong; I'll go pack my overnight and set it in the dog house." It does mean, "I get where you're coming from. I see how, from where you're standing, things would seem that way. If I were in your shoes, they'd probably look very much like that for me." Tell her specifically what makes sense about what she's saying. Be honest too. This isn't about snowing anyone. It's about true empathy. There's always some aspect of what the other person is holding that makes sense. Knowing that you're open to her point of view will help her to feel heard and open space for her to now hear where you're coming from.

5. There is no happily ever after. There will be times when things seem wonderful. There will be challenging times too. Relationships only go south when people forget that they can turn their hearts back to each other. So the key isn't simply in choosing the right princess (though that is part of it) but rather in having the skills to successfully navigate feelings and conflict when it arises.

6. You know the cliche about having two ears and one mouth because we were designed to listen more than speak? Take it to heart. Women need to be heard. As guys, we tend to want to fix things. Women hate to be fixed. They love to be engaged through listening. There's almost nothing that won't get better for a women when she feels heard.

7. Women tend to be accommodating. This is not a good thing because problems can go under the radar. They just keep accommodating and accommodating, taking another step back and another and another until they reach the edge of a cliff and then, with no more space to back up, they blow up. I've seen more marriages end in this way. The poor clueless schmuck ends up in my office saying, "I don't know what happened. I didn't see it coming." Sometimes the woman will end things by having an affair. This can be particularly devastating. Look out for accommodating behavior and do your best to draw her out in expressing her true needs and feelings. This ties in nicely with listening (above) and "You make sense" (also above).

I could go on and on but that's enough for now. Take those to heart and it will carry you a long way.

^^^ Needs to be a sticky.

I couldn't have said this better myself. (What marriage counselor did you steal it from? We all know that no low-life lawyer has heart enough to be able to come up with these statements on their own! LOL)

[HLS]

Actually, I agree with this even though gave advice in an earlier post.

Jim

When I first read this post, I didn't want to be the first one to say "don't do it". That's a cynical attitude, I know. People suggested this to me the first time I got married... I should have listened. But now that that advice has been offered, I'll second it.

Okay, so you've decided to ignore that advice and soldier forward. My second bit of advice is to ignore everything that you've read in previous replies to this post. A relationship will either work or it won't. No matter what steps you take to try and make yourself the perfect spouse, they won't matter. If she decides that she wants out, for whatever reason, she'll find a way to get out.

I have a theory that longish term relationships tend to fall under a bell curve. Under one skinny little part of that curve, you have those couples that are in absolute bliss, more in love today than yesterday. Congratulations to them. Under the fat part of the curve, you have those couples going through the motions... not exactly happy, not miserable... it would be more work to end the relationship than just plod forward. Folks in this group are not likely to ever move to the first group. Finally in the last skinny part of the curve, you have those folks that are on the verge of divorce, if they don't kill each other first. Those folks in the fat part of the curve could end up here.

There ya have it. Take it for what it's worth... been there, done that.

[Parallax]

^^^ Needs to be a sticky.

I couldn't have said this better myself. (What marriage counselor did you steal it from? We all know that no low-life lawyer has heart enough to be able to come up with these statements on their own! LOL)

Hey, thanks brother. I'm a Collaborative Divorce attorney and mediator. In other words, I help people divorce peacefully and amicably, which inevitably means facilitating a process whereby they turn their hearts back to each other. Occasionally, as that process unfolds, people choose to reconcile. But that's not the goal or the focus. Rather, the goal is to help people move through the pain of divorce without hurting their children, each other or themselves (worse than they're already hurting). Moving forward, the goal is to facilitate the reconstruction of their lives in a way that allows them to be friends and parenting partners who consistently place the interests of the children first.

I love this work. It's easy to value the tangible "stuff," like stocks, bonds, bank accounts, home equity and the like. But I get to help my clients remember that the most valuable assets of all are the intangibles -- things like good will and the ability to parent together. In Collaborative Divorce we say, "It's easy to value the pension plan, but what would it be worth to dance at your daughter's wedding?"

Divorce doesn't have to be terrible. People just have to be held in a way that allows them to return to the truth of their hearts. (By the way, HLS and iceman, marriage can also be great when people live from their hearts. There's an art to that and, for those of us who didn't get great modeling when we were growing up, it's not easy to master. But done well, it can be wonderful.)

[deruitem]

Congrats and my advise is everything is compromise

[arm017]

Gents,

I would like to sincerely thank each and every one of you for contributing to this thread. I have been keeping up with each response, and it is obviously an extremely difficult task to choose a top 3. The PIF is now closed, and I will take my time to select the winners by tomorrow morning. Thank you again and keep an eye out for the winners.

[saintpat]

Congratulations to you and your fiancee! I was actually telling my beautiful wife of 14 years about this heartwarming thread over breakfast. (I know the PIF is closed but I have to reply.) My advice is simple: when or if you have children make time for just the two of you. Schedule a regular recurring date night. Or buy theater tickets or whatever you enjoy doing together. Kids are a major blessing but can stress the primary relationship in your family which is you two. So be intentional about caring for it.

Cheers!

[brucered]

have the winners been chosen yet? just wondering....

[Bengal Tiger]

Congrats on finding a great woman!

I have no experience in this matter but a general advice on life: No matter what goes down, never forget to count your blessings, appreciate the people in your life, and always try to find fun enjoyable things to do together. Good luck!

[arm017]

Gents,

I apologize for taking so long to get back with the results, work has been unreal this week. I would like to express my sincere thanks for all who took the time to contribute to the thread. I have printed it out and will definitely be holding on to it. There is much wisdom from the collective voice of gentlemen on this forum.

However, without further ado, I present to you the top 3 (Which will take home the prizes):


In 3rd place: GearHead_1

In 2nd Place: Parallax

In 1st Place: Mr_Spiffy



All members have been contacted through PM.

[Parallax]

Thank you, my friend. Congrats to GearHead and Spiffy, and most of all to you and your bride.

[BlackBard]

Great thread. It was interesting to read all the various points of view on your simple question. B&B members are exceptional.

Congrats to the winners.

[AndreasDK]

Congrats....

To the winners but foremost to the lucky gentnleman who has found the love of his life.

[LegendofVogel]

Congrats to the winners, and a big congrats to you! I hope you enjoy many years together!

[Spivey]

Congratulations, guys! Enjoy!

Here's to a happy marriage!

[GearHead_1]

Thanks so much.

[sp514]

Congrats