How to un-invite a (potentially unstable) coworker to lunch

...Edit for clarity. Our concern is that she may be capable of making claims to HR in order to save her job if she decides she can't handle the stress of being at work. She has already claimed to be so upset at banter by a coworker (that she initiated) that she had to leave for the day. This was leading up to her leave of absence.
I'm asking this on behalf of a friend - I have a built in excuse to sit at my desk and drink my shake every day. Here's the situation:

A team member at work (small professional team - 6 people) has been out a few times in the past two years on... mental disability. I don't know the details, I don't think she is technically bi-polar, but she may be I suppose. She is back now and is wanting to go to lunch with one of the guys who always goes out to lunch and usually takes one or two team members. The whole team is wary of spending personal/alone time with her as she still seems a little unstable. We also caught wind of a complaint she made with HR just before she went on leave. There were no details, but given the person in question, nothing would surprise me. In addition to not wanting to sound mean, I am sure my friend is also concerned about "setting her off" in some way. Anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this?

I've never understood who can't just "suck it up" and deal with people they dislike on occasion. It's not like you're going on a date with them or going over to their house for dinner. It's lunch.

If there's reason to believe she's violent in some way I could understand. But spending 40 minutes sitting at lunch with two other humans may do her some good?
Just a thought.

People that have bi-polar disorder are no different that the rest of us as long as they are on their medication. Just treat her the same that you would treat anyone else, and it will be fine.

The problem is people making assumptions about people wit BPD without understanding it. When others go out of their way to "try to deal with them" they pick up on that. If a co-worker had cancer, would you shun them? Of course not, but it seems to be acceptable to treat people with mental disabilities like they have leprosy.

Thanks for the feedback so far. I have edited my post to clarify the concern. I don't think anybody is afraid of potentially weird conversations. They are afraid of having to have official conversations with HR regarding claims made by this person. Claims that a person can make (mental issues or not) if they want an excuse, or a reason, as to why they can't do their job.

May as well invite her out, excluding her probably won't help office dynamics. If it is a group setting, you should be fine. It sounds like she may be prone to misinterpreting situations and then misreporting them to HR. As long as the lunch is not a one-on-one, odds of an incident are less.

With a group of only 6, it is important to have all members getting along well. If the group turns on one, it all falls apart.

If lunch cannot be cancelled without a potential scene being created, then another 2-3 co-workers should be added to the lunch party. This should provide enough "backup" in the event untrue claims are made to HR.

I am curious about the bi-polar label. If she is making complaints to HR and using her mental status as an excuse, I really wonder if something more Axis II is appropriate. So very difficult to tell given the initial description.

My suggestion would be to go as a group and everybody decide before hand to disengage from any emotionally charged topics. Regardless of what her diagnosis is, this is generally a good tip for communication with anyone form work, avoiding high emotionally charged topics such as religion, politics, and gossip. If she starts to go off, do not feed into it.

Tell her I'll be attending. That should do it.

AgBill said:

I am curious about the bi-polar label. If she is making complaints to HR and using her mental status as an excuse, I really wonder if something more Axis II is appropriate. So very difficult to tell given the initial description.

Click to expand...

What is Axis II?
I don't know if she is or is not Bi-Polar - probably shouldn't have even mentioned the term. All I know is that she has been hospitalized 3 times (I think, maybe 4) in the past few years for mental issues.

Just ask to be seated in the "No drama" section. (Wasn't my first choice, believe me.)

Daniel Plainview said:

People that have bi-polar disorder are no different that the rest of us as long as they are on their medication. Just treat her the same that you would treat anyone else, and it will be fine.

The problem is people making assumptions about people wit BPD without understanding it. When others go out of their way to "try to deal with them" they pick up on that. If a co-worker had cancer, would you shun them? Of course not, but it seems to be acceptable to treat people with mental disabilities like they have leprosy.

Click to expand...

I think that you have taken my poor communication and turned it into an "I am bigoted against people with BPD" statement. I used the term just to communicate that she seemed to be unstable. I don't care about what she has or hasn't been diagnosed with, nor am I concerned with any labels that can be used to describe her. My team mates (and I) are not making assumptions about her based on whether or not she has been diagnosed with BPD. They are taking into consideration their own past experiences with her and realizing that she is unstable, and potentially dangerous to their careers.

Hit her between the eyes with the Tackhammer and say your not invited.

Work relationships and inclusion are crucial in any small team work setting. Some outreach can go along way with a persons job satisfaction and willingness to get along, value, and trust others. Attempt to include the person in a group of 3 or so as you would with any other member of the team. No one on one meeting/lunch.

Invite the HR manager to come along.

Don't go to lunch with her.

I don't get what "claims" she could make after going to lunch that she couldn't make after sitting in the office during the day? Or are you implying that they think she might try to make claims of sexual harassment?

ouch said:

Tell her I'll be attending. That should do it.

Click to expand...

Tacos!

If she is part of the team, then I would say to absolutely include her. I agree with Jacob. If there is concern about her, how is different at a lunch than it would be in day to day interactions?

My suggestion would be to try to find topics that interest her for the lunch conversation, or stick to positive topics that are not subject to interpretation.

Sue

Sounds like you should avoid ANY situation (however unlikely) that this person could use against you. This would include leaving the office for a lunch with other coworkers present. She may be harmless, but I wouldn't take any chances. You could be in a world of hurt if she made up some elaborate story (with you as a main character) just so she could stay home and get paid to watch television for the rest of her life. It happens.

If you have a coworker that everyone feels they need walk on pins and needles around why don't the other 5 file complaints involving citing her making it a hostile workplace. Five people should not be distraught because of one.