How to be a gentleman

Gents,


This topic will no doubt have been covered many times and I am still new to this particular forum.

Long story short; I have been battling illness for the last 2 years including depression. I have lost pretty much everything. Part of my plan to beat this and move on with my life is to become a gentleman.

I have always been a bon-viveur and bought the best possible products. I also like to think that I have good taste. I am keen to read further on this subject; but many of the videos on youtube seem fatuous at best. Also many of the websites appear to lack any real depth. Perhaps i am trying to find the real me. Rather than letting myself down with procrastination

Perhaps you could offer some suggestions.

First, I'm sorry to hear about your depression. Please make sure you get the help you need.

As for answering your post, have you checked out The Art of Manliness? That site offeres some decent tips. I also try to fall back on the short definition. It's from an odd source (Blast from the Past)

"I know, I mean I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible."

I think that if we keep this idea in mind, most other things will fall into place.

Have you browsed The Art of Manliness? There is usually some good things on there. It can be slightly addicting. Not always in depth on some subjects, but still a good read.

You sound as if you could use a sabbatical. Perhaps a week in the woods camping, hiking and such. Emphasis being on the self reliance one needs when in the wild, along with the disconnectivity and return to the "self" you can experience away from the hustle and bustle of the modern world.

Thank you for responding. I tried the AOM site. I liked many of the articles, but found it was a case of when you have read them, you have read them. Apologies for my poor choice of words.

Thank you for your kind words. I am battling the depression and will hopefully beat it in the near future. I still have alot that I am grateful and can see a great future.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope that you are able to resolve the issues that caused the problems to begin with.

I never thought a Gentleman was defined by what objects he owned or what clothes he wore. I have met dirt poor Gentlemen and seen them standing next to boorish dandies. I have seen Gentlemen who were well off and made a comfortable living.

I like this definition by John Walter Wayland;

The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.

luvmysuper said:

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope that you are able to resolve the issues that caused the problems to begin with.

I never thought a Gentleman was defined by what objects he owned or what clothes he wore. I have met dirt poor Gentlemen and seen them standing next to boorish dandies. I have seen Gentlemen who were well off and made a comfortable living.

I like this definition by John Walter Wayland;

The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.

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I second that wholeheartedly! Objects may give people the impression that one is a gentleman, but I think that only through conduct a gentleman can prove he is one. If there is something as having to prove it...

Just remember that depression is a chemical imballance designed to remind your body that what ever is occuring is not the best for you right now.

Take a class, read book, learn a new hobby. Collect, explore and read. There are a million ways to enjoy the world without requiring a great deal of capital investment. I for one collect fossils.

Learn a sport, exercise daily and push yourself. You will find your appearance and mood will drastically improve. Excersize not only increases the physical health, but the mental health as well. Chemically it provides the brain with positive stimuli as well as [biologically] understanding it is [evolutionarily speaking] prepared to sustain society and the family unit. it is prepared to hunt and feed. We are designed by evolution to need to move...

Take risks....faith within yourself to reach out and try a new endeavor. A new business, skill or trade. Do not allow yourself to be limited by why you think you can do. Find your true limits by finding out what you truly can do.

luvmysuper said:

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope that you are able to resolve the issues that caused the problems to begin with.

I never thought a Gentleman was defined by what objects he owned or what clothes he wore. I have met dirt poor Gentlemen and seen them standing next to boorish dandies. I have seen Gentlemen who were well off and made a comfortable living.

I like this definition by John Walter Wayland;

The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.

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You nailed it, Phil.

I think that Phil's definition is excellent. I would also add that I think there is little to be found on YouTube or on sites like Art of Manliness. If you like them, by all means read them, but I think that they are too heavily weighted toward nostalgia and dismiss the possibilities of the present. To be a gentleman doesn't mean to be a cranky antiquarian who is constantly yearning for how things used to be. I also don't think it means that you have to become obsessed with living the good life.

My advice would be to take Phil's guidelines to heart and get out into the world. Do things. Be kind to other people. Try to learn something new every day. Read. Pursue new interests and challenges.

We have too little time in this life. Try to do the best with what you've got. Good luck--enjoy the trip!

Without wanting to condescend, but maybe you already know the answer: you say were somewhat of a bon viveur. To quote Keats, "Aye in the very temple of delight / Veiled Melancholy has her sov'reign shrine." I second Jesta; get out there and live passionately for something, a new skill, a new romance - even if it leads to pain, for that pain and passion are what really reminds us we are alive.

I wish you luck. And if you are need of real treatment, I wish you the courage to seek it.

Wow - I am really inspired by the quality of responses. Clearly some quality thinking goes on, in this place.

You could be right. My demons have got me down. I have had some really wonderful in my moments in my life and some dreadful things happen too. I am gripped by fear - fearful of leaving the house, fearful that something else will happen to me. I am working with a councillor at the moment and hope to progress. This week has been desperate for me; I was given temazepam to help me sleep (I have insomnia with makes things worse for me) the side effects are horrible and have not taken anymore. This forum has lifted me - Thank you.

I have joined my local gym - and am going tomorrow.

I'm glad to hear that you have a plan and you're getting out. Please make sure you're in touch with your doctor too if you're having problem with your meds. Hang in there--and keep posting here!

Get a library card. Seriously -this is the best way to "learn" how to be a gentleman.

A gentleman is first and foremost educated, soulful, and self-aware. This is why he is able to set aside petty jealousy, insecurity, and cocksureness and to get on with the business of living and living with other people.

You may not have the money to go to the symphony every weekend, or the theater but the library and museums are free.

A Gentleman knows how to live a life worth living and does.

jesta384 said:

Just remember that depression is a chemical imballance designed to remind your body that what ever is occuring is not the best for you right now.

Take a class, read book, learn a new hobby. Collect, explore and read. There are a million ways to enjoy the world without requiring a great deal of capital investment. I for one collect fossils.

Learn a sport, exercise daily and push yourself. You will find your appearance and mood will drastically improve. Excersize not only increases the physical health, but the mental health as well. Chemically it provides the brain with positive stimuli as well as [biologically] understanding it is [evolutionarily speaking] prepared to sustain society and the family unit. it is prepared to hunt and feed. We are designed by evolution to need to move...

Take risks....faith within yourself to reach out and try a new endeavor. A new business, skill or trade. Do not allow yourself to be limited by why you think you can do. Find your true limits by finding out what you truly can do.

Click to expand...

Jesta speaks some great words. Nothing is as great for the human body as hard exercise. It grows you in the physical sense and the mental. Get some hard work done as well - whether it is around your house, helping out your neighbours or something else. Hard work is good for the soul and helps a man really feel like a man. Seriously, I wish you all the very best and I hope all our advice in this thread has helped in some way.

To quote Mandela "A warrior's mind needs a warrior's body"

Go nuts at the gym but remember to have cardio as your main workout. Running, cycling, swimming or all three! They will stress you out much faster and more thoroughly than weights will, giving you the hormone/endorphin rush our bodies need.

A long run is a great way to flush out your system, physically as well as mentally. Especially before bed, and in the dark.

Good luck mate, keep us clued in!

TheCapitalist said:

Gents,


This topic will no doubt have been covered many times and I am still new to this particular forum.

Long story short; I have been battling illness for the last 2 years including depression. I have lost pretty much everything. Part of my plan to beat this and move on with my life is to become a gentleman.

I have always been a bon-viveur and bought the best possible products. I also like to think that I have good taste. I am keen to read further on this subject; but many of the videos on youtube seem fatuous at best. Also many of the websites appear to lack any real depth. Perhaps i am trying to find the real me. Rather than letting myself down with procrastination

Perhaps you could offer some suggestions.

Click to expand...

Free yourself from bondage.... Flee what drains and afflicts you... start anew.... and most importantly of all... treat your body like a temple and endeavor to bathe it in sunlight each and every day....

I have seen people fight depression, alcoholism, drug addiction and become very succesful.The first step has always been taking the first small step.

A person that I know very well started with this change in their behavior. They woke up every morning and made their bed. It accomplished a few things for them. This action created a sense of order,and after the bed was made he really did not feel like going back to bed until night.He then decided to start an exercise program that he keeps up to this day.His comment to me was that the natural release of endorphins was better than any medication he was taking. I would never recommend you go against doctors advice, but physical exercise is important for the mind and the body.

Another friend was in a recovery program that stressed physical fitness as well as proper diet. These changes made a remarkable difference in his confidence.As he changed his external apperance his internal well being increased.

Being a gentleman to me is a lifstyle that involves control. Fighting every battle accomplishes nothing, pick the ones that matter. I see many people angry about the little things. Passion misdirected is passion wasted.

I aways look at what I have, not what I don't have. We used to live in an area where the neighbors played the keeping up with each other game. I could care less what they have and do not judge my success by getting something I can not afford.

Being a gentleman is being your own man, not what popular culture or television says.

Being a gentleman and beating depression are about being responsible for yourself. We all have to live with who we are and what we have done. Some of us care, some don't. Bathing, eating well, resting, exercising, putting the past behind you and being honest with yourself and others will make any man a gentleman, and will dissolve the reasons why we don't like ourselves. Depression? Been there. Drug addiction? Done that. Dissability? There now. But I am proud of who I am now, don't make excuses for who I was, and won't be that person again. Do I still get depressed? Sure!! But, I can live with who I am.

TheCapitalist:
I feel you pain in that I too have been battling illness (MS), and wiefht gain since 2007 to include depression (I was on Prosac...but gave it up, but continue with Cymbalta), but I thought that you might find the "Perfect Gentleman by Ralph Bergengren to be a very be interesting read.

http://www.freefictionbooks.org/books/p/14234-the-perfect-gentleman-by-ralph-bergengren

That said, my Father, who I thought was a great gentleman (and a combat veteran himself), taught me many traits in being a gentelman for example, courtesy towards ladies, opening doors (car doors too), for ladies, escorting a lady (men on the left...ladies on the right as a mark of honor), table manners, proper dress for any occasion and being well dress, hair cuts and fingernails cleanand trimmed, properly shaved, remove your hat indoors and when talking with/to a lady, duty, honor, ("A gentelman means what he says and says what he means"), country, pride in self, courage ("If a gentelmann will not stand up for something...he will sit down for everything"), and sacrifice.

But what he most imprinted in my mind was that a gentelman should have no fear in the face of foes, brave and upright, always speak the truth, women and children first and protect those who can not protect themselves.

"A gentleman would be ashamed should his deeds not match his words".
Kong Fu Zi

Christopher "A gentleman is one who puts more into the world than he takes out". George Bernard Shaw

TheCapitalist:

I hope you get over your depression. By admitting you have a problem you have taken the first important step.

The posts by all of the gents above is what makes this such a wonderful forum. I, for one, am proud to be associated with such fine individuals and gentlemen.