By the numbers, of course.
- THIS IS IMPORTANT: Put down the razor.
- Check to make sure no women can see you. This is man's work, dammit.
- Clear your mind of distractions. Every move now must be bold, confident, almost reckless. You're The Man.
- Grasp the decanter firmly in one hand. Take off hand and form a small cup with palm. Look directly in shaving mirror and quietly acknowledge that The Man is about to put the exclamation point at the end of a great shave.
- Pour the right amount of product from decanter to cupped palm. You'll know what's the right amount because you're The Man. As a general rule for beginners, less is better than too much. Aftershave, however, is like ammo, and the correct amount might be mission dependent.
- Put down decanter. Lower gaze to counter. Cup the former decanter hand and bring cupped hands together as they move toward the face. Don't keep hands together and strike the face, as styptic pencils are ineffective against severe nosebleeds, unless you employ six. Don't ask how I know this.
- Separate hands and do the "Slap/Pat" move to each cheek. As your aftershave product hits your cheeks, raise eyes back to mirror to admire the actual culmination of this essential manly ritual. Continue the "Slap/Pat" move down around neck, distributing product over face and neck. Smirk slightly because you're The Man.
- Finish application by wiping index finger along chin and jawline, checking shave, then moving finger above the upper lip to deploy product in shaved upper lip area, and smugly enjoy the scent. Feel the mystic bonds of brotherhood with wet shavers past and present that are summoned by the splash ritual. Replace the cap on decanter and go forth and conquer because not only are you The Man, but because you have the combined karma of the Heavenly Hosts of the Vast Velva behind you.
- DO NOT do the "Home Alone" scream, or even wince, when the burn hits you. The Man takes the burn and molds it, he doesn't let it kick his butt.
The only down side to this bit of testosterone laden paradise is the day is never going to get any better than this...but the promise of that great Splash tomorrow will be the fuel that drives your engines. Thus, the Splash is like life itself, the fleeting ecstasy of the present is merely the spark for the hope of a new day, and the commonality of experience provides the depth that makes our own clear notes resonate.
You could also just put the damn stuff on, but then you're not The Man.
Last edited by Topgumby; 05-24-2010 at 10:19 PM.
Reason: The Man can't spell
"He must be a king. He hasn't got Williams all over 'im!" - cb91710
I spend my knights at the Veg Table.