When do you cut off the in-laws?

As some of you may remember, about a 9 months ago my MIL invited my husbands ex-fiance' on a camping weekend with my family. I was a bit mad to say the least. My husband is too laid back and can not handle conflict. He will not fight or argue even if he knows he is right. That is part of the reason we get along. I am always right : )

We have full custody of his son, not from the woman above. The mother of this child is the worlds biggest loser. She is 45 just landed a job, no car, no home only a traveling box. She is horrible to me. I get cussed out weekly if not more. I have been more than nice to her but I finally cut her off. She even tells her son horrible stuff about me. He is smart enough to realize the things she says are untrue but they are still being said to a little boy. I myself realize she is just envious of me. I have both of her boys. Oh and a house and a car and I need not go on. LOL

Now the problem is the MIL. How many times is it acceptable for you MIL to talk to spouses ex-girlfriends about your family? My husbands mother can not keep her trap shut for nothing. In the past she has shared small details like my brothers work schedules to big things, when my husband and I were planning children.

This week the ex called and knew of my mothers health condition. Do we care? No. My problem is I am unsure why my family whether it be, myself, children, husband, parents, siblings etc are a subject of conversation between my MIL and my husbands ex-girlfriend. I must add this is the same woman who ran out of state with his son and the courts had to force her back here. She also called one day stating their son had been run over by a truck. The boy was a baby at the time. I have been his mother since he was just under 2. He calls me me Mommy and his real mother by name. So there is no excuse of trying to keep a good relationship this woman she is trash.

I have asked the MIL in person, in writing, through my husband and jointly not to talk about my family with my son's mother. She keeps doing it. My husband is an only child and he would never want to hurt his mother but I do not really have a problem doing it considering she is constantly talking about our private life. She wants to come over and see my kids Thursday night. Do I allow her?

My thoughts are, NO. What can I trust her with? Will she be reading my mail or looking at my checkbook to talk about it. My husband will not fight me on this if I decide I do not want her around, once again because he does not want conflict. I just want to make sure I am not being unreasonable. Thoughts?

I would have cut her off long ago. Good luck.

Wait a minute.........does she know my mother in law?

I think you are handling it accordingly. Even though she may be way out of line I do think you need to be respectful which I think you have. My MIL is absolutely a horrible person. I hate to say that but she is and we can go on for days about stories but one thing is I've never done is raise my voice to her or have been disrespectful. The main reason is she is my wife's mother.

Here is the important part to the problem and with all do respect and not to take anything away from anyon and please don't sneeze on my next order, your husband is the problem. I never needed to express my dislikes to my wife about her mother, she cut her out of her life a few months ago because she didn't care for her ways. On the other hand, my wife expressed some concerns or "beefs" about my mom. Im not an only child but I am the youngest. She told me the issues and my mom and I spoke and things changed and my mom respects my wife even more.

Now IMO I think even though you may have expressed your issues with your wonderful husband but as my mom always said, "it's time to cowboy up and be the man of the house." I know you have ways to get through to him, all women do. It is an important aspect in marriage to have the mutual respect to your partners concerns.

Believe me when a son speaks to their mother to express concerns it doesn't come clearer than hearing it from him. He just has to do it in the right manner.

I really hope it works out

Unreasonable? not at all!

I am pleased @ your patience w/ her, but you have tried in every humanly way possible to get her to see your side of things and she just flat out refuses. Now would be an excellent time to cut her off.

Make sure you do not soften; if you expect respect from her, you will have to earnit the hard way-by being hard. From this point forward let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.

I have had to do this w/ family and friends over the years; it has led to improved relationships once they get the message that you are not to be trifled with. indidviduals who refuse to respect you or the limits you put in place for your family have no right to continue as a part of your family. They either get w/ the program or get out(good riddance!).


marty

If it were me, I think I would first make sure that nobody in the immediate family (aka you and your husband) talk to your MIL about anything related to your family. The best way to keep a talker from talking is to give them nothing to talk about. Maybe even tell the children not to tell grandma anything. Since you wear the pants, tell your husband not to talk about your side of the family to his mother.

If she is willing to go that extra step by looking in your checkbook and reading your mail, don't let her come over. That really is a complete invasion of privacy and shouldn't be tolerated. Then again, I'm only 24 and don't have kids or a wife (or in-laws, woohoo), so perhaps I need to experience such things before doling out advice.

Touchy subject, it seems like you know what needs to be done. Decide if it's worth the fall out and lay down the law, or not. Your obviously passionate about your family and the path that your decisions will make for them. I hope your decision works out for the best. It may be time for a "come to Jesus meeting" with the MIL. Only child or not, when a man takes a wife, the wife should be the primary influence in his life. Just my opinion, I wish you the best of luck.

jmallen5 said:

only child or not, when a man takes a wife, the wife should be the primary influence in his life.

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+1

azmark said:

+1

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Exactly! And you cut off the in-laws when it reaches the point that you are no longer willing to tolerate their BS drama.

The problem I see, is if your husband doesn't like conflict, of course he is going to say he will back you up when you cut off your MIL. The problem will be down the road when she confronts him, and he acquiesces to her.

I agree with some of the others....HE needs to talk to his mother, and be frank with her. He doesn't have to have conflict, just facts. I did it with my mother, and she got a little melodramatic, and then calmed down, and we had a much better relationship then before.

I was lucky and had a perfect MIL. The only tragedy, was that she was taken home, much too young.

Good luck. Not trying to be a downer, just some contigencies for you

Marty

Big problem for sure, but she can't pass on what she doesn't know. Who is telling her these details now?

And why is the former GF even in the picture?

A complete break may not be necessary, but it she knows nothing personal she can pass on nothing personal.

Mr_Amazing said:

If it were me, I think I would first make sure that nobody in the immediate family (aka you and your husband) talk to your MIL about anything related to your family. The best way to keep a talker from talking is to give them nothing to talk about. Maybe even tell the children not to tell grandma anything. Since you wear the pants, tell your husband not to talk about your side of the family to his mother.

If she is willing to go that extra step by looking in your checkbook and reading your mail, don't let her come over. That really is a complete invasion of privacy and shouldn't be tolerated. Then again, I'm only 24 and don't have kids or a wife (or in-laws, woohoo), so perhaps I need to experience such things before doling out advice.

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Actually that is very good advice.

Keep a hands-off approach to her. Do not let her come into your home and quit telling the MIL anything about what is going on.

I didn't even read the other responces, as your post p*****d me off something fierce. You have far more patience than me. I would cut her off expect where legally required. She is obviously destructive to the family, even if it only affects you. I would explain to your family that they should tell her not to gossip about about your family. Hopefully this will shut her up. She will still talk about you, but at least then you might not have to hear it. If you could do it I would cut all the strings. She seems like a manipulative, selfish b**** . Arrgh! I hate people like that !!!!

OK, now the reasonable responce...no matter how powerful the urge, don't run over her with the family sedan. You family needs you. Larry

you have been very patient, but definitely cut her off. there is no reason for her to behave like that.

if you weren't rooted down, i would move if i were you.

I'll say it again: Build a round house where there is not even one corner for MIL

Restraining order on that crazy woman (mental anguish and distress to a minor, and to you....) and a firm talking to the MIL..... she sounds, not being rude, to be colluding and doesn't know when to tell the woman to get off.....

Take her on a camping trip to mexico, nick her passport and leave in the dead of night.....

Good luck...

Tom

At this point I'd be taking the kids to the park to meet Gradma when they wanted to see her and then under strict supervision to make sure she isn't trying to engage them in inappropriate conversation.. She wouldn't be stepping foot inside my home.

Just to get an unbiased view, I asked *my* MIL, since I was talking to her today anyway, and she said a few things. I can't repeat many of the descriptors she used, but I will paraphrase: "Relatives who cannot keep their their own counsel are intolerable! The lady in question has been more than gracious and polite in regards to this aggravating woman, and now it is high time to take stricter measures. Ceasing all contact would not be inapropriate at this juncture."

Her version was shorter.

This is a tough situation. I have never really seen eye to eye with any of the inlaws. I have taken a view that I am there to support my wife when we go to any family gathering. I have bitten my tounge many times over 20 years. I just keep remembering that they are my wife's family and it is next to impossible to write them off no matter how appealing it is.

In your case, it sounds like your husband needs to confront his mother. If something is bothering you it should be his job dealing with his mother and be reversed when it is your family. When you married, you two became a new family and it is important for you two to decide what is appropriate and what isn't.

I would say the three of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation. I think your husband needs to say the words. I don't think your MIL is going to do squat until she hears if from her son.

Concerning not letting her visit your house. Well, that's touchy for one reason and one reason only. You're indirectly punishing the grandchildren from seeing their grandmother because of a rift between you and her. Ultimately it's not fair to the kids.

azmark said:

Wait a minute.........does she know my mother in law?

I think you are handling it accordingly. Even though she may be way out of line I do think you need to be respectful which I think you have. My MIL is absolutely a horrible person. I hate to say that but she is and we can go on for days about stories but one thing is I've never done is raise my voice to her or have been disrespectful. The main reason is she is my wife's mother.

Here is the important part to the problem and with all do respect and not to take anything away from anyon and please don't sneeze on my next order, your husband is the problem. I never needed to express my dislikes to my wife about her mother, she cut her out of her life a few months ago because she didn't care for her ways. On the other hand, my wife expressed some concerns or "beefs" about my mom. Im not an only child but I am the youngest. She told me the issues and my mom and I spoke and things changed and my mom respects my wife even more.

Now IMO I think even though you may have expressed your issues with your wonderful husband but as my mom always said, "it's time to cowboy up and be the man of the house." I know you have ways to get through to him, all women do. It is an important aspect in marriage to have the mutual respect to your partners concerns.

Believe me when a son speaks to their mother to express concerns it doesn't come clearer than hearing it from him. He just has to do it in the right manner.

I really hope it works out

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No sneezing on your packages : ) I agree my hubby needs to just get a bigger pair when it comes to his mommy. But since he has proven to be incapable of doing so???? That is where we are now.