Grumpybear 
excellent story. I bet the light show in there was pretty cool before it set on fire!
excellent story. I bet the light show in there was pretty cool before it set on fire!The Confessional: the hall of blown dinners, ruined meals, and other disasters
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When I was just a young pup my father decided that we would have Haggis for dinner. And so in the oven it went. Haggis needs to be pricked before cooking or the results are awe inspiring
He managed in one foul swoop to destroy the oven by blowing he door ofg its hinges whilst also redecorating the opposing wall in a lovely haggis pebble dash.
One of my sisters managed to forget that she had put potatoes on to boil resulting in a new way of roasting potatoes. Said sister also forgot, on a different occasion, that she was boiling eggs until they started exploding.
Myself after an afternoon of liquid refreshment decided that pizza would be ideal. Promptly dozed off after putting pizza under the grill, to be woken shortly thereafter by the neighbourhood kids complaining about the smoke coming from the kitchen window. The pizza may it rest in peace was in flames.
Never again will I drink and cook.
He managed in one foul swoop to destroy the oven by blowing he door ofg its hinges whilst also redecorating the opposing wall in a lovely haggis pebble dash.
One of my sisters managed to forget that she had put potatoes on to boil resulting in a new way of roasting potatoes. Said sister also forgot, on a different occasion, that she was boiling eggs until they started exploding.
Myself after an afternoon of liquid refreshment decided that pizza would be ideal. Promptly dozed off after putting pizza under the grill, to be woken shortly thereafter by the neighbourhood kids complaining about the smoke coming from the kitchen window. The pizza may it rest in peace was in flames.
Never again will I drink and cook.
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Grumpy bear that story was hilarious.
A college roommate once made a "Seafood Delight omelette" with extremely old frozen Walmart shrimp and crab meat. We almost kicked him out based on smell alone...
Oh man, that's the worst!
I have a friend who was in the Marines, and he told me this story about when he was at basic. His company was out all day and hadn't been able to eat or something. Whatever that case, they were starving when they got back to their camp and they all chowed down on their MRE's.
Well, I guess no one told the new guys that the gum is also a laxative, so nearly half the guys chewed it up and ate it. Well, you can guess how that went... If it couldn't get any worse, they ran out of toilet paper, and couldn't get into the closet that had the supplies in it. I think the officers had the key to it or something, and they ran out of toilet paper late at night so no one wanted to wake them up. Anyways, all the guys were running out in the woods in the middle of the night... I'm pretty sure he said they used leaves, I hope no one grabbed any poison ivy!
He told me the story a while ago, but that's pretty much what happened I believe.
That is probably the worst meal story that I've heard.
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A girl at work was reheating her burger in the microwave, not realizing that there was a foil layer in the mostly paper wrapper that the burger was in. She was standing with her back to the oven yakking away, as women are wont to do, oblivious to the ensuing carnage. Fighting to keep a straight face, with a deadpan expression I merely stated.. "you might want to check on that sandwich..." She turns around, and seeing the sparking and now flaming wrapper and screams...long story short, a lot of smoke, no real damage, edible burger, embarrassed and flustered coworker who couldn't understand why I didn't over-react as she did! Very funny at the moment, I almost feel guilty.
I have been the family cook for 40 years or more. One of my memorable flops came years ago when I decided to make falafels. I cooked everything and served it to my wife and two daughters and sat there with that expectant look of "Dad, you've hit it out of the park." Not so fast. All three of them hated it. Of course I thought it tasted fine. At any rate, to this day, all three of them know they can get my goat by mentioning "the falafel incident."
Several incidents that come to mind. I was responsible for . . . some. 
1) In college, a roommate in our several-person apartment with a common kitchen (full oven and rangetop) decided to make a Pillsbury bread-in-a-can loaf of bread. The oven thermostat broke somehow and the heating element cycled into "oven clean mode" (full on?). We discovered this when we saw flames shooting out of the line where the oven door top meets the range. Within . . . was a perfectly formed loaf of bread which, when snapped open, looked exactly like a loaf of bread with the honeycomb appearance and everything. The difference was that the bread (exterior and interior) was coal-black. That bread was promptly wrapped in 2 plastic bags . . . and snuck underneath different roommate bedcovers by one of my roommates as a practical joke.
2) Also in college, I decided to try to make bananas foster with a flambe. Bananas, sugar, butter, rum . . . all was going well until I tried to "light" the pan's rum/butter mixture. I was dyucking below countertop height with a match in one hand, expecting an inferno. What I got was . . . the match going out.
Less cautiously, another match . . . and it went out as soon as it hit the liquid. And another.
In under 10 minutes, 2 roommates and I were crowded around the pan with a lit paper towel like a torch, trying to get the thing to light. Nothing.
Finally, another roommate came back to the apartment, saw what we were doing, and let us know that it was the "alcohol vapors" that lit and that the liquid needed to be bubbling. We turned the heat up until it bubbled, took out a match, and . . . flambe! Fortunately, no injuries.
3) My brother, as a young teen, was told to light the gas grill in the backyard. The starter broke, so he ran back inside for a long match/lighter. With the gas still on. With the lid down.
When he came back out, the resulting fireball under the lid literally ripped a heavy cast iron lid off of its hinges at least several feet in the air and took my brother's eyebrows and the edge of his hair above his forehead (fortunately, no burns or damage). The lid landed a few feet away with a resounding thud. Had it hit him in the head, I wouldn't have a brother currently.
In short . . . when the gas is running. LEAVE THE LID OPEN!
4) During the same year in college as the flambe incident and the carbonized bread incident, I decided to make tiramisu. An entire 9x13 pan-full. Visions of delicious tiramisu in high volume danced in my mind's eye. I bought the ladyfingers, the marscapone cheese, . . . everything the recipe said. I have no idea where the recipe came from.
One panful of tiramisu later, I took a happy spoonful of a corner . . . and promptly almost spat it out. It was easily the most disgusting, vile faux-dessert concoction that I have ever had. 4 hungry college roommates . . . wouldn't couch the stuff. And this is in a household where day old pasta with butter left out overnight where the pasta had dried out and was crunchy . . . would be consumed.
It stayed in the fridge for a week. Whenever I was hungry, I thought to myself, "I'll see what's in the fridge . . . ", opened the door, saw the tiramisu . . . and decided that I wasn't hungry. Almost immediately afterwards, I would ask if anyone wanted to go out for food.
A week later, the pan contents were dumped in the garbage. I haven't tried making tiramisu again. I might kill someone unintentionally. Probably myself.
5) I invited some friends over for dinner (after college). I was going to make hamburgers. I then had a train of thought that went something like this (as I'm cooking hamburgers) -
I love chocolate.
I have heard that some types of Mexican-inspired chili use a bit of chocolate for flavoring. That sounds delicious, and exotic.
I would like to experiment a bit with my cooking.
Chile has beef as part of the recipe.
I am cooking with beef.
I should add chocolate, somehow, to my hamburger recipe to make it "extra special".
I do not have dark chocolate, tomatoes, or anything else resembling chile aside from the aforementioned hamburgers.
I do have some Hershey's milk chocolate bars.
I shall melt Hershey's milk chocolate over the hamburgers.
At this point, my two friends show up. They are expecting hamburgers.
I tell them of my brilliant idea to melt Hershey's milk chocolate bars over the hamburgers.
They do not share my enthusiasm. They do agree to watch me try it myself. They say this in voices that I am accustomed to hearing when I have one of my "ideas".
I discover that melted Hershey's chocolate on a hamburger with no other seasoning or topping . . . is not the "gourmet award winning dark chocolate-infused tomato-based Mexican-inspired chili" that I had intended.
Due to other, better stories . . . they actually don't remind me of this one.
There are many, many others.
1) In college, a roommate in our several-person apartment with a common kitchen (full oven and rangetop) decided to make a Pillsbury bread-in-a-can loaf of bread. The oven thermostat broke somehow and the heating element cycled into "oven clean mode" (full on?). We discovered this when we saw flames shooting out of the line where the oven door top meets the range. Within . . . was a perfectly formed loaf of bread which, when snapped open, looked exactly like a loaf of bread with the honeycomb appearance and everything. The difference was that the bread (exterior and interior) was coal-black. That bread was promptly wrapped in 2 plastic bags . . . and snuck underneath different roommate bedcovers by one of my roommates as a practical joke.
2) Also in college, I decided to try to make bananas foster with a flambe. Bananas, sugar, butter, rum . . . all was going well until I tried to "light" the pan's rum/butter mixture. I was dyucking below countertop height with a match in one hand, expecting an inferno. What I got was . . . the match going out.
Less cautiously, another match . . . and it went out as soon as it hit the liquid. And another.
In under 10 minutes, 2 roommates and I were crowded around the pan with a lit paper towel like a torch, trying to get the thing to light. Nothing.
Finally, another roommate came back to the apartment, saw what we were doing, and let us know that it was the "alcohol vapors" that lit and that the liquid needed to be bubbling. We turned the heat up until it bubbled, took out a match, and . . . flambe! Fortunately, no injuries.
3) My brother, as a young teen, was told to light the gas grill in the backyard. The starter broke, so he ran back inside for a long match/lighter. With the gas still on. With the lid down.
When he came back out, the resulting fireball under the lid literally ripped a heavy cast iron lid off of its hinges at least several feet in the air and took my brother's eyebrows and the edge of his hair above his forehead (fortunately, no burns or damage). The lid landed a few feet away with a resounding thud. Had it hit him in the head, I wouldn't have a brother currently.
In short . . . when the gas is running. LEAVE THE LID OPEN!
4) During the same year in college as the flambe incident and the carbonized bread incident, I decided to make tiramisu. An entire 9x13 pan-full. Visions of delicious tiramisu in high volume danced in my mind's eye. I bought the ladyfingers, the marscapone cheese, . . . everything the recipe said. I have no idea where the recipe came from.
One panful of tiramisu later, I took a happy spoonful of a corner . . . and promptly almost spat it out. It was easily the most disgusting, vile faux-dessert concoction that I have ever had. 4 hungry college roommates . . . wouldn't couch the stuff. And this is in a household where day old pasta with butter left out overnight where the pasta had dried out and was crunchy . . . would be consumed.
It stayed in the fridge for a week. Whenever I was hungry, I thought to myself, "I'll see what's in the fridge . . . ", opened the door, saw the tiramisu . . . and decided that I wasn't hungry. Almost immediately afterwards, I would ask if anyone wanted to go out for food.
A week later, the pan contents were dumped in the garbage. I haven't tried making tiramisu again. I might kill someone unintentionally. Probably myself.
5) I invited some friends over for dinner (after college). I was going to make hamburgers. I then had a train of thought that went something like this (as I'm cooking hamburgers) -
I love chocolate.
I have heard that some types of Mexican-inspired chili use a bit of chocolate for flavoring. That sounds delicious, and exotic.
I would like to experiment a bit with my cooking.
Chile has beef as part of the recipe.
I am cooking with beef.
I should add chocolate, somehow, to my hamburger recipe to make it "extra special".
I do not have dark chocolate, tomatoes, or anything else resembling chile aside from the aforementioned hamburgers.
I do have some Hershey's milk chocolate bars.
I shall melt Hershey's milk chocolate over the hamburgers.
At this point, my two friends show up. They are expecting hamburgers.
I tell them of my brilliant idea to melt Hershey's milk chocolate bars over the hamburgers.
They do not share my enthusiasm. They do agree to watch me try it myself. They say this in voices that I am accustomed to hearing when I have one of my "ideas".
I discover that melted Hershey's chocolate on a hamburger with no other seasoning or topping . . . is not the "gourmet award winning dark chocolate-infused tomato-based Mexican-inspired chili" that I had intended.
Due to other, better stories . . . they actually don't remind me of this one.
There are many, many others.
My most famous flops:
As a kid:
- forgot flour in a batch of cookies... melted all over the newly cleaned oven
- forgot cheese in lasagna... meh at best, gross at worst
As an adult:
- tried making a bread pudding and a chocolate rice pudding for a Christmas get-together. Neither set up properly. They both tasted okay, but the texture was terrible. The rice pudding in particular looked and had the texture of ground beef. If you tasted it with your eyes closed, it was okay (not great or even good), but with the visual it was a total no-go. The funny thing is that I knew they hadn't turned out, but inexplicably brought them to the party anyway instead of stopping by the store for a pre-made dessert. My friends have never let me forget it.
As a kid:
- forgot flour in a batch of cookies... melted all over the newly cleaned oven
- forgot cheese in lasagna... meh at best, gross at worst
As an adult:
- tried making a bread pudding and a chocolate rice pudding for a Christmas get-together. Neither set up properly. They both tasted okay, but the texture was terrible. The rice pudding in particular looked and had the texture of ground beef. If you tasted it with your eyes closed, it was okay (not great or even good), but with the visual it was a total no-go. The funny thing is that I knew they hadn't turned out, but inexplicably brought them to the party anyway instead of stopping by the store for a pre-made dessert. My friends have never let me forget it.
I once scoffed when someone told me that creme brulee was one of the most difficult things to make in a kitchen. How hard can it be to mix up and cook some egg and vanilla? I gladly accepted the challenge and failed miserably. The whole experience took me 2 hours of questioning/cursing myself for ever taking the task on... and I ended up with basically an egg & vanilla soup. I got so fed up by the end of it and just sprinkled sugar on the top and flamed them. I can say that the candy coated top did make for a good spill proof lid as I carried the sweet and protein filled soup mixtures to the table though...
Made a batch of Chili Tasted fine day one 2 days later I got a serving and heated it up and good lard it tasted like some one had dumped half a box of Morton's in there. We had let it cool and divided it into tupperware dishes with lids to keep in the icebox. Any Ideas on how to salvage this batch.
Dilution. Add more beef or beans. Growing up my mother never salted anything. We got used to it and now I am so salt sensitive that I can taste very small amounts. Salt is for seasoning not for the main course.
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- #74
An old trick is to add some potatoes to the pot and cook them a bit- they will absorb a good amount of the salt.
I mistakenly bought Maple bacon at the market this past weekend. The taste was excellent and just a hint of the sweet maple was there, but it stank my whole house up...and the smell has lingered for three days.
I tried to make some egg rolls tonight. The filling was absolutely delicious, with shrimp, garlic, ginger, diced carrot, diced cucumber, diced brussel sprouts. I wrapped them in a rice wrapper and threw them into the fryer. Big mistake I should have used the wanton wrapper or something else. Still have no clue as to why it didn't brown up and become crispy. It turned into a wrapper that bubbled up into a sticky mess.
I think this thread needs pictures
Trust me, if you would have seen the carnage, I would never hear from you again.
Some things can not be unseen. Thanks for looking out for us Aaron.
Sure I would- I have screwed up plenty in my time. I put my pants on, just like the rest of you, one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records.
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