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My girl question

I have her crock pot at my house from cooking two weeks ago (and it's what I'll use tomorrow). Half of me wants to drive it over and leave it at her apartment door tomorrow with a postit that just says, "bye," and be done with it all. Stop the texts and emails and phone calls and FB stuff. You guys get in my head too much more and I'm liable to do just that.

The other half wants to see what she has to say. If it weren't for that damn crock pot I'd probably already said bye. I must know what's going to happen. Sigh.
 

luvmysuper

My elbows leak
Staff member
I have her crock pot at my house from cooking two weeks ago (and it's what I'll use tomorrow). Half of me wants to drive it over and leave it at her apartment door tomorrow with a postit that just says, "bye," and be done with it all. Stop the texts and emails and phone calls and FB stuff. You guys get in my head too much more and I'm liable to do just that.

The other half wants to see what she has to say. If it weren't for that damn crock pot I'd probably already said bye. I must know what's going to happen. Sigh.

I sincerely hope you post back here next week that things have worked out splendidly.
Best of luck.
 
I have her crock pot at my house from cooking two weeks ago (and it's what I'll use tomorrow). Half of me wants to drive it over and leave it at her apartment door tomorrow with a postit that just says, "bye," and be done with it all. Stop the texts and emails and phone calls and FB stuff. You guys get in my head too much more and I'm liable to do just that.

The other half wants to see what she has to say. If it weren't for that damn crock pot I'd probably already said bye. I must know what's going to happen. Sigh.


As that great philosophical treatise "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" says in large print on the cover: "Don't Panic". You don't know what's going on in that girl's head. Give her an honest, open run, and see what she does. Then be honest with yourself afterwards.
 
Remember this, if you really want a long term relationship to work. You have to be friends first. My best friend is my wife. We will have or 27th anniversary this July. Don't play games and just be honest. The rest will take care of itself.

BIG +! on that. FWIW....I can't tell you how many times I asked my wife out to "lunch" before she finally went out with me. Seriously....probably 15+ times. I was persistent....then again, she was (and still is) smoking hot and out of my league!

As that great philosophical treatise "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" says in large print on the cover: "Don't Panic". You don't know what's going on in that girl's head. Give her an honest, open run, and see what she does. Then be honest with yourself afterwards.

Another +1. My best advice to you is to be completely open, honest and transparent. I mean....don't pop the question or anything, but let her know that you seriously dig her and that you want to know if she is open to moving forward even if it means very s l o w l y.

I have found with Love (the real thing with the capital L) and affairs of the heart that you have to be willing to risk it all if it is really worth it. Trust me....I did. I was disowned from my family (we're cool now) and turned my whole world upside down (as did she). Twenty years later, and I'm still completely crazy about her.

The best thing a man can do is find the woman of his dreams and hang on for all you're worth.

Ok....I think I've sounded enough like a sissy for now! But here's the thing...I think it's true.

Chics come and go in the rack....yeah...big deal....finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is a rarity!

Ok.....I'm gonna go kiss my wife now!:001_tt1::001_tt1::001_tt1:
 
I feel so old now. I guess that I've outgrown more than my Magnum PI OP shorts.

Hated the shorts but loved the show. :thumbsup:

The best advice I ever heard on this subject was given by that great American philosopher, Kelly Bundy:

A girl knows in the first five seconds whether you're going to score or not.

:lol::lol::lol:

I have her crock pot at my house from cooking two weeks ago (and it's what I'll use tomorrow). Half of me wants to drive it over and leave it at her apartment door tomorrow with a postit that just says, "bye," and be done with it all. Stop the texts and emails and phone calls and FB stuff. You guys get in my head too much more and I'm liable to do just that.

The other half wants to see what she has to say. If it weren't for that damn crock pot I'd probably already said bye. I must know what's going to happen. Sigh.

Man, you are giving up and the enemy lines aren't even drawn yet. You have a hill you need to take. You have circled and avoided it for a couple of months. It's time to fight up that hill. Don't walk away now. That will tear you up more than rejection. If you are going to retreat, retreat because you lost, not because you didn't have the guts to try. I can see things going either way. I see everyone's opinions, but I am not convinced either way. So, you have to try. No matter who's flag is on top that hill tomorrow night, you can walk away with pride and know you gave it a good shot. Good luck! :thumbsup:
 
Man, you are giving up and the enemy lines aren't even drawn yet. You have a hill you need to take. You have circled and avoided it for a couple of months. It's time to fight up that hill. Don't walk away now. That will tear you up more than rejection. If you are going to retreat, retreat because you lost, not because you didn't have the guts to try. I can see things going either way. I see everyone's opinions, but I am not convinced either way. So, you have to try. No matter who's flag is on top that hill tomorrow night, you can walk away with pride and know you gave it a good shot. Good luck! :thumbsup:

Along those lines, let me revive a post by our friend The Nid Hog from an earlier thread on a similar topic:

You have to take the lead away from her. Seize the initiative. Then you won't be responding to her--she'll be responding to you.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OODA_loop
 
I've got 10 bucks that says if you make a stand, take her the crock pot back and say so long because of x ... then she'll be all over your jock. Always happens.

Women want what they can't have.
 
You need to flush her out of the bushes and give her a little jolt of jealousy.

What you should do is call, email or text her and cancel tomorrow's dinner. Tell her that a former classmate, friend's sister, someone you ran into at the market, etc. is really wonderful and that you're going out on a date Sunday night instead of having dinner with her. Yes, lie.

Apologize profusely, but say that you're really wanting a relationship and you're not going to lose this opportunity.

If she says that's great and she hopes you have a good time, then you're clearly her "friend" and that's that. You can pull away blaming your new girlfriend and let the friendship end.

If she gets weird and jealous, make your move. Say that you didn't know where the relationship was going. If she wants to go on a real date, then say you'll cancel the other "date" and spend Sunday with her instead.

Yeah, it's mildly dishonest and manipulative. But your intentions are good - you're not going for a quick score and are interested in a relationship. I think it's better to put her into this position because women almost always say no when directly pressured. This forces her into an emotional choice of whether or not to "lose" you to another woman. If she wants to hang on, she will. If not, it lets you slip out while telling her that she's a great friend and how much you valued your time together. Then cut her off.

If you're still serious, give it three or four months. Do something to change yourself. Lose weight, get in shape, buy a new car, get a new job, take up a new hobby, etc. Then drop her a note out of the blue, say you broke up and ask if she'd like to get dinner some time. With a slightly different you and some time apart, that might push the reset button on the friend thing and give you another chance.
 
I hinted at this on a similar thread, but no amount of tea leaf reading by a bunch of guys who don't have the full story is going to give you advice half as good as your own gut feeling.

That said, a big leaf no one seems to have noticed is that the girl is just off a four and a half year relationship with a guy she was living with. The headspace prognosis is likely not great one way or the other, and the problem with asking her straight up is that the question "is this a rebound?" is very much like "are you a psycho?" in that the answer tells you nothing.

But trust your gut. If you think the fruit's ripe, give the tree a shake. Maybe you'll come up peaches.

Good luck.
 
That said, a big leaf no one seems to have noticed is that the girl is just off a four and a half year relationship with a guy she was living with. The headspace prognosis is likely not great one way or the other

We noticed. But it sounds like he's not rebound guy or he'd have gotten a lot farther a lot faster. So if OP isn't rebound guy and hasn't noticed another rebound guy then it sounds like she's been decompressing from the stresses from the collapse of her previous relationship. From what OP has said, it's possible getting ready to rejoin the game again, and if this is true then the $100,000 question is whether OP's a potential mr. right or is he stuck in the friend zone.
 
As that great philosophical treatise "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" says in large print on the cover: "Don't Panic". You don't know what's going on in that girl's head. Give her an honest, open run, and see what she does. Then be honest with yourself afterwards.

Probably good advice. I'm the panic-y / worrying type. Could ya tell?

You need to flush her out of the bushes and give her a little jolt of jealousy.

Lieing and playing games like that just isn't my style. If she's not interested, then she's not interested. Rejection would suck but I'm not out to twist anyone's arm.

I've got 10 bucks that says if you make a stand, take her the crock pot back and say so long because of x ... then she'll be all over your jock. Always happens.

Women want what they can't have.

That's another game to me. If I did something like that, it'd be for keeps. Earlier this morning she said her stomach was already feeling upset knowing she was coming here later (the flu stuff started a few hours after leaving here Wednesday night / early Thursday morning, and she jokingly tells me it was my fault..). I told her not to come then. She said "of course I wanna!"

So, we'll see.
 
My friend, as someone who was in this position that you are (many, many years ago before I met my wife) I think she's taking you for a ride. The fact that you are cooking for her all that time (has she made you a meal?) and that she makes jokes about guys taking her out "for a real date" suggests that she's a queen bee who wants to gather a bunch of fawning suitors around her until she finds the Scott Brown in her life. The fact that after all this time she's not getting physical at all suggests she's just not all that attracted to you.

If you still wish this could go to the next level, I'd cool it for awhile. Make yourself unavailable. Don't hang out with her. If she texts you, wait awhile before responding and then keep it terse and non-committal.

Chances are, she'll probably drop you and hang out with her other suitors. Which should be fine with you because it lets you move on. If she does come back and asks you what's wrong, just say that you just can't go on being someone's G-rated boy toy and that you're looking for a deeper relationship and need to spend more time finding that person who you should be with. Chances are, this will scare her away, which will tell you that she wasn't the One anyway.

Jeff in Boston
 
Lieing and playing games like that just isn't my style. If she's not interested, then she's not interested. Rejection would suck but I'm not out to twist anyone's arm.

Exactly! All of this advice does nothing. Your original plan, asking her tonight, is the best. No prolonging the situation, getting false readings, etc. Someone said women want what they can't have. If this is the case and you play the game, is she someone you even want or will want you 6 months from now? She is either waiting for you to make your move, or she isn't. All you have to do to find out is ask.
 
+1 The hints of money and a "real date" seem to be the common pattern here that I am seeing as well. If she wanted you, it would have happened by now.

I am wondering, are you the type of guy who is going to "wonder what could have been"? If you are, you're in for a world of hurt either way. :sad:

My friend, as someone who was in this position that you are (many, many years ago before I met my wife) I think she's taking you for a ride. The fact that you are cooking for her all that time (has she made you a meal?) and that she makes jokes about guys taking her out "for a real date" suggests that she's a queen bee who wants to gather a bunch of fawning suitors around her until she finds the Scott Brown in her life. The fact that after all this time she's not getting physical at all suggests she's just not all that attracted to you.

If you still wish this could go to the next level, I'd cool it for awhile. Make yourself unavailable. Don't hang out with her. If she texts you, wait awhile before responding and then keep it terse and non-committal.

Chances are, she'll probably drop you and hang out with her other suitors. Which should be fine with you because it lets you move on. If she does come back and asks you what's wrong, just say that you just can't go on being someone's G-rated boy toy and that you're looking for a deeper relationship and need to spend more time finding that person who you should be with. Chances are, this will scare her away, which will tell you that she wasn't the One anyway.

Jeff in Boston
 
I havent read over all of this thread... But all i need to say is that girls can get under your skin quite easily, i have learnt my lesson many a time trying to figure out there motives.... Its actually not that hard to move on, just get out goto some clubs/pubs/gigs or whatever to take your mind off things. You will be amazed how easy it is to move on if you dont ponder so much. Its not the end of the world, its just part of life... Sounds like she is the one missing out and if you get out there and have fun, you never know she might come crawling back. Ignoring her to some point can work in your favour btw.... Playing hard to get has worked for me alot of times.
 
The fact that you are cooking for her all that time (has she made you a meal?) and that she makes jokes about guys taking her out "for a real date" suggests that she's a queen bee who wants to gather a bunch of fawning suitors around her until she finds the Scott Brown in her life.

She's not made me a meal. She's brought things a couple times. And she's bought me supper at a sub shop before the party and she bought breakfast one Sunday morning. Now that I think of it, I haven't actually bought her a dinner out someplace yet. So she's not completely using me as a meal ticket.
 
I've been thru relationships like this. Years ago. And I've seen it happen to friends, both men and women.

As has been said before, you have to let her know how you really feel. That you want more than friendship. You need to know how she feels. Hopefully something will develop.

If on the other hand she just likes you as a friend, you will know where you stand and can go on from there. But I've found out firsthand that if she is not that into you (as they say) and you continue to stay friends. That may be tough on you. It may prevent you from seeking someone else who will want a relationship with you. Because you may spend a lot of time just hanging out with her. And that may fullfill some need in you, you might not seek out other women.

And if she is not into you and you remain friends, it can take a terrible toll on you. You will want her, but it will not be requited. You must then remain quietly jeolous about her seeing other men. Basically you will want her and can't have her, but you will be close enough to the fire to make you unhappy.

I've seen people spend years tied up in this type of drama. Better to know and move on. There are other women who will love you.

If it turns out that she does not want what you want , don't get wrapped up in being obsessed with a woman that you can't have.

You deserve better.
 
Nothing read on facebook should be considered. You have no clue what context those things have been said in reference to.

She might be baiting you to see if you blow her off, blow a fuse or ignore it altogether because after all it is facebook.

Its tough trying to stay the course when you would rather get things moving in the direction you want, its even tougher moving on without definitive knowledge of where things are headed. Be honest and ask if she sees any romantic involvement in the future with you. Its ok for you to be honest and let her know you are still interested in a relationship, be it with her or someone else. Then if you wish to stay friends with her it will be much more comfortable, if not, you can move on knowing the two of you wanted different things.
 
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