Merry Christmas from Castlecraver - A B&B Christmas Poem

[castlecraver]

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!!

I made this as a present for all here at B&B. Enjoy!!

The Night Before Christmas - Badger & Blade Version
By Pat (Castlecraver)


T’was the night before Christmas, And all through my face,

Not a stubble survived, Not even a trace.



The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While I replied to one more brand new shaving brush thread.



I turned off the PC and glanced at my watch,

Having just settled in for a cigar and a scotch.



When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my recliner to see what was the matter.



I put down my smoke without a moment to think,

And peered out the window without spilling my drink.



The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

Looked as smooth as my face, which felt all aglow.



When, what to my wondering eyes did present,

But a miniature sleigh, pulled by eight large grey rodents.



With a little old driver, so scruffy and unshaven

I wondered if St. Nick sought a barbershop haven.



More rapid than eagles his badgers they came,

And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name:



“Now Shavemac! Now Merkur! Now Rooney and Plisson!”

“On Muhle, On Jagger, On Vulfix and Simpson!”



To the top of the house, through the snow he did plow,

“I need a shave, and I need it right now!”



So up to the house top the badgers did haul,

The bearded fat man, bags, sleigh and all.



As I finished my scotch and was turning around

Down the chimney St. Nick came with a bound.



He looked quite the state, with that dusty white beard

I knew that tonight, that face must be cleared.



“I would’ve had my razor with me in my sleigh,

But they made me check my double-edge, thanks a lot, TSA.”



“Now away to your bathroom, I can’t waste a minute.”

So he ran dashed to the sink and dug through my kit.



He turned on the water and tugged his beard with a scowl,

Selected the B&B Essential and applied a hot towel.



The old man reached for a soap from my shelf,

And lathered away quickly, the jolly old elf.



He lathered his beard, which he seemed to enjoy,

Pulled out a Feather, and loaded my Fat Boy.



Quickly he proceeded to shave off his beard,

My sink filled with each gray hair as it was sheared.



Wasting no time he rinsed and re-lathered,

Flinging droplets of soap on the mirror as he slathered.



Slicing cleanly through the stubble, Santa was frantic,

He then J-hooked on his neck (he must have learned it from Mantic).



He stared at his face, looking a quite different gent,

Then rinsed and applied a nice aftershave scent.



“Ahh,” he exclaimed “That feels much cleaner,”

I noticed he grinned with an improved demeanor.



“I’ve had a long night, and a shave surely does soothe,”

“There’s nothing quite like feeling baby’s butt smooth!”



“But now I must fly, at the North Pole they need me,”

“And I’m expecting shipments from Lee and QED”



So away to the chimney he ran with great haste

A fine, fetching gent with a clean-shaven face.



And laying a hand to the side of his cheek,

Massaging his face for one last critique,



He rose up the chimney, with nary a word

Back into his sleigh, the badgers he spurred.



And I heard him exclaim, as he rose with a wave,

“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GREAT SHAVE!!!”

[johnniegold]

To start getting everyone in the holiday spirit, it's never too early for this 2007 holiday classic from the Bard.

[ouch]

Thanks. Beats the heck out of my yearly link to Tweeze Denied Beef Worker Isthmus.

[Topgumby]

Ho ho ho, that's a good show!

[Mr. O]

Very nice and clever thank you!

[mark the shoeshine boy]

wow.....that is a great piece of work.....

[Doc4]

Ho ho ho, that's a good show!

Speaking of which ...

Every Who Down in Who-ville
Liked wet shaving a lot...
But the Grinch,Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!

The Grinch hated shaving! The whole wet shaving legions!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his canned goo wouldn’t lather quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his splash had no bite.
But I think that the most likely reason of any
May have been that his Fusion had four blades too many.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His goo or his Fusion,
He stood in the snow and reached a nasty conclusion,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm happy shave dens below in their town.

For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Would be baby butt smooth when their shave was complete.

"And they're stropping straight razors!" he snarled with a sneer.
“Tonight they’ll be shaving! And full of good cheer!"
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep this smoothness from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Who kith and kin
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their dens!
Then they’d lather up Trumpers! They’d break out Old Spice!
They’d shave for two passes, and sometimes shave thrice!

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

The Grinch made up a costume, all dressed up in brown
And he posed as the UPS man in Who-Town
He went to their dens, in the still of the night
And he took all the gear for shaving just right
He took all their razors, and brushes and creams
The Grinch took them all while the Who’s lay a-dream

He took all their Injectors, and their Slims that adjusted
He took all the blades, both the new and the rusted
He took all their scents, and their after shave lotions
He took all the alum, the scents and the potions

He took all their stuff, and that mean Grinchy dope
Left nothing but VDH brushes and cheap drugstore soap
Some generic witch hazel from an old musty store
A few disposable razors, but left nothing more

Then he took all the good stuff to the top of Mount Crumpit
Three thousand feet up, to the tip-top to dump it!

"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming."
"They're finding out now that no shaving goodness is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"They'll stare in their shave mirrors just a minute or two"
"Then all the wet shavers down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!“

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Grinch,
“That I simply must hear!”
But he then heard a noise come over the snow
It was the sound that whiskers make when wet shavers mow!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without tallow! It came without fancy blades!
It came without gear that you need for great shaves!"

And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe shaving," he thought, “You can’t buy it complete.
Maybe it’s not about stuff, it’s really technique!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's Fusion Gamer
Lost four blades that day!

And the minute his face didn’t feel quite so sore,
He brought back all the shaving goodies he’d taken before
And he brought back the scents! All the stuff that cost millions!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch!
shaved with some Williams!

[SRock]

[thunderball]

Nice!

[Swat]

A delight to read. Nicely constructed.

[Dustinl]

Thanks for posting this, Pat! Merry Christmas!!!


DL