Getting Married in College

**AndrewWiggin** · 12-01-2009, 10:18 AM

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for three years now, and we plan on getting married, no doubts about anything really, but we're still in school. By the time we get out and have jobs, we will have dated for nearly five years.

Anyone get married in college? We keep talking about it, but I doubt we'd be able to, neither one of us has the money to be able to manage that, and I cannot seem to find a job anyway. I suppose that we could try and rely on our parents supporting us but that's lame. Nothing says leaving your father and mother like still taking their money right?

This was more of a rant than anything else. Thank you.

**my19** · 12-01-2009, 10:33 AM

Andrew, I got married just after my sophomore year in college. My then-wife didn't go to school, so we lived off the unemployment check from her summer job and lived in very basic married-student housing (the rent, including utilities, was $50 a month, but this was 35 years ago). Looking back, things worked out ok.

But I still wouldn't encourage it. We didn't hit up the folks for help, so we were broke -- broke enough that putting gas in the car was a big deal; that our idea of entertainment was a walk down Main Street to window shop. Sure, that builds character, but it was a big change for both of us. And when you're married, well, you're different from your friends. So your social life changes.

Bottom line: I'd say wait until you graduate and land jobs and have some decent income and resources. Two years really isn't a long time.

But either way, good luck ...

**azmark** · 12-01-2009, 10:42 AM

Tough to recommend any kind of advice when it comes to life choices. One thing though that I'm sure many would agree on is that even if you wait after college there will events happening in your life that will make you want to think if it's the right opportunity. Maybe one of you will be starting your careers and maternity may hinder advancements or the climb to the top will begin and marriage or even children may be placed on hold.

Best advice I can give is just do what makes you two better people and use one another to get through the tough times.

Good luck!

**rth97601** · 12-01-2009, 11:10 AM

I got married in grad school, to another student (both getting English PhDs). I know it's a bit different in many ways, but the basics are the same: no money for a wedding (we did it at the courthouse); no stable employment (adjunct teaching jobs, living semester to semester, generally making only 30-40k/year altogether); and no stable community (when, and if, one or the other of us finds full-time academic work, we'll almost certainly be moving somewhere else). We're also a long way from family, and certainly can expect no significant financial assistance.

To top it off, we went and had us a wee baby just a couple months ago ... and my dissertation is still only half done, while hers is barely begun.

In many ways it was foolish, but I've never been happier, and I have no regrets. A major factor in our decision-making process, however, was age--we were in our later 20s when we married, and are now in our early 30s. We might not have made the same decisions if we'd gotten together as
(younger) undergraduates.

Lots of things are do-able, if you really want it and are willing to put in the effort (and perhaps build a little character). Still ... your clock's not ticking quite the way ours were ... is there really any need to rush?

Take Care, and Good Luck,

ryan

**TimmyBoston** · 12-01-2009, 11:54 AM

I have never been married so please take my advice with a grain of salt, but I strongly recommend you wait. What' the rush, a good friend of mine just got engaged, he and his girlfriend has been together for 8 years they began dating when he was 20. He waited to get engaged until he was financially stable. IMO, that's the best way.

Additionally, this is nothing against your girlfriend but you view the world very differently as you get closer to 30 than you did when you were 20. There is no rush for you to get married, so why do it now? There are a lot of downsides and no upsides. You don't need to break up by any means, but if its not broken don't fix it.

**Crazy Dave** · 12-01-2009, 01:00 PM

I was 13 years old when I met my wife to be. We were friends for decades; we started dating when I was in my late 30's and got married when I was in my early 40's. We have been married 9 years and I could not be happier. When it is the right time, you will know it, but don't do anything until it is the right time!

Dave

**rickboone1** · 12-01-2009, 01:21 PM

My vote is don't do it. Not now. Not later. Is there anything more that will come to be from a piece of paper? Other than the fact that she can now take half of your assets. And heaven forbid you be a "man" and support her during the marriage, then you pay alimony. Oh, and all that is based on your potential earnings. So, they will look at your degree choice, etc. I see no point in marriage. 100 percent of divorces started with marriage. I got married in school. Never finished my degree... Life happens.

**mmack66** · 12-01-2009, 01:33 PM

Originally Posted by rickboone1

My vote is don't do it. Not now. Not later. Is there anything more that will come to be from a piece of paper? Other than the fact that she can now take half of your assets. And heaven forbid you be a "man" and support her during the marriage, then you pay alimony. Oh, and all that is based on your potential earnings. So, they will look at your degree choice, etc. I see no point in marriage. 100 percent of divorces started with marriage. I got married in school. Never finished my degree... Life happens.

Well, at least you are not bitter.

**Venom8431** · 12-01-2009, 01:38 PM

IMHO, I would not get married until you can stand on your own two feet. A little help is one thing, but to outright rely on either set of parents is not a good situation to be in. I have a buddy that just got married right out of college who cannot get a job and is forced to live in his father-in-law's basement; he's not too happy.

**Venom8431** · 12-01-2009, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by rickboone1

My vote is don't do it. Not now. Not later. Is there anything more that will come to be from a piece of paper? Other than the fact that she can now take half of your assets. And heaven forbid you be a "man" and support her during the marriage, then you pay alimony. Oh, and all that is based on your potential earnings. So, they will look at your degree choice, etc. I see no point in marriage. 100 percent of divorces started with marriage. I got married in school. Never finished my degree... Life happens.

Marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper. I'm sorry you obviously had a bad experience, but don't outright tell someone to never get married. When done between the right people marriage enriches a relationship because it is a spiritual and physical commitment to another person. I've known my wife for five years now and despite some rocky moments in that short time, know that I would die for her. I've never had to second guess the fact that she would do the same for me.

Divorce is an ugly thing only if people want it to be. I've had friends with divorced parents that went quickly and smoothly and others that were the exact opposite.

Marriage woes are not caused by the institution of marriage, but by the people within it. Granted, being married does present it's challenges, but the right two people can get through those whether it be money, work, family, or any other problems. As I said, I'm sorry your marriage ended badly, but you're outright denouncement of marriage is very offensive to me. Marriage, generally is work, but it's work that's worth the trouble. I honestly will go through all the trials marriage has to offer because when all is said and done, my wife and I will be closer to each other in the end. Obviously, one or both of you weren't holding up to your end of the bargain.

That really is the best thing that has come out of my marriage; everyday I love my wife more than the last. Even when I'm angry with her, deep down I would still do anything for her. Again, I can safely say she would do the same for me. That is not an assumption. No matter what the situation, my wife and I have always had each others backs covered.

**WhosYerBob** · 12-01-2009, 02:06 PM

I got married exactly two weeks after graduating from college to the woman I'd dated for the previous three years. What a mistake. She was completely different outside of the school environment and had unrealistic expectations as to how a marriage was to work. After five years of her sitting on her can and not doing anything, I discovered she was having an affair with the truck driver across the hall from us. That brought a crashing end to our marriage.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd wait for a year or more after graduating before getting married.

**azmark** · 12-01-2009, 02:15 PM

Originally Posted by Venom8431

Marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper. I'm sorry you obviously had a bad experience, but don't outright tell someone to never get married. When done between the right people marriage enriches a relationship because it is a spiritual and physical commitment to another person. I've known my wife for five years now and despite some rocky moments in that short time, know that I would die for her. I've never had to second guess the fact that she would do the same for me.

Divorce is an ugly thing only if people want it to be. I've had friends with divorced parents that went quickly and smoothly and others that were the exact opposite.

Marriage woes are not caused by the institution of marriage, but by the people within it. Granted, being married does present it's challenges, but the right two people can get through those whether it be money, work, family, or any other problems. As I said, I'm sorry your marriage ended badly, but you're outright denouncement of marriage is very offensive to me. Marriage, generally is work, but it's work that's worth the trouble. I honestly will go through all the trials marriage has to offer because when all is said and done, my wife and I will be closer to each other in the end. Obviously, one or both of you weren't holding up to your end of the bargain.

That really is the best thing that has come out of my marriage; everyday I love my wife more than the last. Even when I'm angry with her, deep down I would still do anything for her. Again, I can safely say she would do the same for me. That is not an assumption. No matter what the situation, my wife and I have always had each others backs covered.

**curtis909** · 12-01-2009, 02:18 PM

Everyone should have a prenup....

**GFlanagan3** · 12-01-2009, 02:27 PM

Originally Posted by curtis909

Everyone should have a prenup....

like that famous one of the late Farrah Fawcett? Farrah.jpg

**CJayhawk** · 12-01-2009, 02:46 PM

As someone who was just recently married, I feel like I can come at this with a little bit of perspective. I started dating my wife when I was 18, and we didn't get married until I was 25. She wanted to get married when we were 19. I wanted to get married when we were 40.

The one thing I can say (and repeat, as it has been said before) is that if we would have married while we were both in school in our early 20s, we would probably have divorced somewhere along the line. You have to know when the time was right. I never thought I was going to get there (Roughly 140% of the marriages in my family have ended in divorce, so I am not a huge fan of marriage) but I eventually wanted it to happen. The timing will eventually feel right.

I never thought it would happen, but now she knows she's stuck with me until she finally gets up the stones to kill me.

**azmark** · 12-01-2009, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by CJayhawk

I never thought it would happen, but now she knows she's stuck with me until she finally gets up the stones to kill me.

Im just afraid my wife will use stones to kill me when she sees I bought another brush from Tony at Penworks

**john.crissman** · 12-01-2009, 03:23 PM

I got married while I was in college. Honestly, it was hard. I was paying for school, so I ended up working more and more and prolonging my degree. Eventually I did graduate, but it was difficult. Yet, I love my wife and I am happy we married when we did. My career suffered, but for me it is a fair trade off.

That is just my story, not advice.

So here is my advice... Get pre-marital counseling from a professional. And don't allow a religious leader to perform your ceremony unless this is also their advice.

**chainfire** · 12-01-2009, 03:41 PM

Originally Posted by john.crissman

So here is my advice... Get pre-marital counseling from a professional. And don't allow a religious leader to perform your ceremony unless this is also their advice.

Definitely agree with this. If nothing else, counseling will at least point out some areas you may not have thought of on your own.

If you completely decide against premarital counseling, at the very least try to talk about some of the major life decisions you're likely to contend with over the next few years. Live in the City or Country? Kids or not?
Dog v Cat? Paper v Plastic?

Talk it over with your folks as well, they may have more insight than you give them credit for as well.

**airplanedoc** · 12-01-2009, 04:30 PM

I have no idea, because i don't have that experience, but something to consider is how will being married affect your and her financial aid, college work program if any etc. Some of the others here might be able to give you more insight into this , but it is something I would definately check into, to help you make a informed decision.

I have a buddy who got married and had a kid in College. It definately prolonged both of their educations, but I just spoke to him a few weeks ago and his daughet is not 12 he and his wife a re happier than ever and have a great life.

**AndrewWiggin** · 12-01-2009, 05:33 PM

There's a lot more hostility to marriage and religion than I thought there'd be...

Anyway, we're going to get married, we're going to be married in the church, etc. We'll do pre marital counseling through our church, and we've talked about the range of married things (kids, pets, houses, cities to live in, crazy relatives). It's not like I've arrived to marriage on a whim, just getting married in college is kind of the impulse...

At any rate, right now it all looks like we'll be married very soon after we graduate, assuming one of us has a job (which doesn't look to be a certainty...). It definitely heartens me to hear about people who are happily married and got an early start; I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, but man I would be a lot happier if we were on our own.

As to my general "rush": I've met the person I want to marry and I don't see a reason to postpone being together once we're somewhat independent.