For Married Men with Children Only

[oakeshott]

This summer, my wife took my teenage son and one of his friends up to Vermont for two weeks at a lakeside cabin. Prior to getting into the cabin, they stopped at her mother's for a few days and so the dog and I have been alone at home for nearly three weeks. This the first time I've had more than a week alone in 20 years and I've learned a few things about what changes when a man, or at least this man, is left to fend for himself. I've tried to quantify these changes for the edification of all of us. See below.



Power tool usage increased nearly 67%. Power tool usage in the living room soared up over 150%. Correlated to this was a fourfold increase in band aid consumption.
Grocery shopping dropped to 0. Puzzlingly, however, incidences of doing laundry, previously 0 incidents in the last few years, was off the chart. Must look into this further. Somehow it gets done by someone when the family is here, but without them, it doesn't seem to happen. Did the rest of you know that washing machines are now digital?
There was a dramatic, even shocking, increase (over 862%) in action and mature themed movies watched. The previous domination of romantic comedies and musicals (primarily from the 30's and 40's) were no longer in evidence.
Phone usage dropped from an average of 122 minutes/day to just under 45seconds/day.
For no discernible reason, the delivery of shaving related material skyrocketed over the same period averaging one package/day. This was a tripling of the numbers from the previous weeks. No cause has yet been (or ever will be) identified.
Percentage of time spent walking around naked went up 5x and experts correlate this to the stunning drop in the number of clean underwear worn. It also seems to have a possible relationship to the new and permanently pulled down shades in the neighbors windows.
The most alarming decline was a drop in acts of intimacy. Being gentlemen, the hard data that real science requires cannot be provided, but it went from an perfectly acceptable level to nothing. While this was predicted in the pre-test mathematical modeling, it still came as shock to the experiment team member who is behaving rather irritably lately.
Cold showers increased 987%
Work on relationships dipped to a 20 year low replaced by an equivalent number of minutes searching the internet for rare shaving gear or responding to online shaving forums.
Frequency of bathroom interruptions went from an average of 5/week down to 2/week (remember the dog). Sudden and dramatic 3x increase in the amount of reading matter in the more comfortable bathroom.
Contrary to the spouse's predictions, blood tests show that the presence of happiness in the circulatory system dropped 28% while cholesterol went up 18%. Brain scans show a drop in activity across the entire brain and there seems to be some atrophying of the general musculature.
Grunting and unseemly noisemaking increased though no one could be bothered to measure it accurately on their way out of the room.


There are still four days left to go in the experiment and these results are preliminary. Perhaps we could get some other members to run the same test.

[maxman]

:lol: Being married with children it's great to see someone get some alone time.
I know lots of couples who take separate vacations.
I'd love to see how the rest of your experiment goes.
As for me, when my wife has the kids at a playgroup (as she does right now) I watch TV and browse B&B.
The mad dash to get the place cleaned up comes in the last 30 minutes before she comes home.

[BigBull]

This whole post made me laugh hysterically. However, the below bulletpoint hit home:


Phone usage dropped from an average of 122 minutes/day to just under 45seconds/day.

Admittedly, my LOTH has a habit of calling everytime something else comes to mind, rather than holding the thought and discussing it later. If I could change one thing (we all know I can't), this would be it.

[Jclifton]

:lol: Being married with children it's great to see someone get some alone time.
I know lots of couples who take separate vacations.
I'd love to see how the rest of your experiment goes.
As for me, when my wife has the kids at a playgroup (as she does right now) I watch TV and browse B&B.
The mad dash to get the place cleaned up comes in the last 30 minutes before she comes home.

Yep that is exactly how my spare time goes, except I mowed the yard this morning and am now sitting down while the mrs was in the shower.

[ironfisted]

Living the dream. *sigh*

[Obiwan]

Great post :)

[sparco]

For no discernible reason, the delivery of shaving related material skyrocketed over the same period averaging one package/day. This was a tripling of the numbers from the previous weeks. No cause has yet been (or ever will be) identified.

:thumbup:

[brucea]

That was great. Very funny. My wife and daughter went to a wedding in Florida that I could not attend because I had to work. My experience was similar. Thank you

[bastimret]

Power tool usage increased nearly 67%. Power tool usage in the living room soared up over 150%.

I love that this required differentiation :biggrin1:

[Bobtrumpet]

Power tool usage increased nearly 67%. Power tool usage in the living room soared up over 150%. Correlated to this was a fourfold increase in band aid consumption.
Percentage of time spent walking around naked went up 5x and experts correlate this to the stunning drop in the number of clean underwear worn. It also seems to have a possible relationship to the new and permanently pulled down shades in the neighbors windows.



Hopefully, nakedness and power tool usage did not correlate.

[Mike H]

Funny stuff, I had two weeks myself about 5 years ago. Converted an old john boat to a fully decked duck blind, it was awesome.

Hey you still have 4 days left to get merry maids in there for good cleaning.

[oc_in_fw]

When the wife is one, I still have clothes. My underwear won't be ironed, but who, besides my wife, irons underwear?

[Haggises]

Great stuff.

I find Doctor Who viewing goes up in direct proportion to length of spousal absence.
Kitchen sink goes from a baseline empty, to critical mass in 2.3 days, by which time the dishwasher is miraculously empty and can be refilled.

[cpeter47]

I'm wondering how intimacy dropped to zero while time spent walking around in the buff went up 5x and mature themed movies increased by over 862%.

[oakeshott]

Converted an old john boat to a fully decked duck blind, it was awesome.

.

If there are no pics, it didn't happen.

Would love to see what you built. Me and my dog, to both of our regrets, primarily upland hunt. We both love waterfowling, but in our area it's hard to find spots and so we just stopped trying.

[oakeshott]

I'm wondering how intimacy dropped to zero while time spent walking around in the buff went up 5x and mature themed movies increased by over 862%.

Did you not see the statistics on cold showers?

[BigBull]

Did you not see the statistics on cold showers?

If your referring to $hri<@ge, thats one thing that can happen without pics.

[oakeshott]

If your referring to $hri<@ge, thats one thing that can happen without pics.

Nice. You got a legitimate LOL from me.

And don't worry. I don't have a sufficiently powerful zoom on my camera.

[Rustonrazor]

Hopefully, nakedness and power tool usage did not correlate.

It so, that would explain the increase in band-aid usage.

[Rustonrazor]

the real question is, did you have to reinforce the wall before you used the power tools to hang the new 65 inch flat screen?? If you haven't yet, there is ample time.

[Toxic515]

Two thumbs up. I really should write my book about house cleaning with power tools... You'd be amazed at how well a leaf blower and an air compressor clean most things in the house, if you're willing to then use a leaf rake and a garbage can to clear out the corner you blow everything into! :-D

[Prince]

It so, that would explain the increase in band-aid usage.

Oh I hope not. :lol:


Great post btw. I can relate to it. Now I know why my wife never leaves me by myself.

[itsmedave]

Great post and so true.

[cpeter47]

Did you not see the statistics on cold showers?

I don't get the correlation between the two. When I'm intimate by myself I don't like cold showers after but maybe some do to wash away the shame.

[Kentos]

I find clothes left on the bathroom floor increase, and toilet lids mysteriously stay up.


I get lonely when the kids are away for more than a week though...they and the wife leave an indelible mark.

Great post!

[Go West Young Man]

So, you're saying that if I wait it out, eventually all these people in my house will go away?
There is hope!

[Rustonrazor]

So, you're saying that if I wait it out, eventually all these people in my house will go away?
There is hope!

False hope, they always seem to come back when the money runs out.

[oakeshott]

I find clothes left on the bathroom floor increase, and toilet lids mysteriously stay up.


I get lonely when the kids are away for more than a week though...they and the wife leave an indelible mark.

Great post!

So true. Hence the blood test revealing a drop in happiness. I don't get lonely, but life feels somehow flat when they're not around. Mind you, when they're constantly around, then it gets very...ummm...unflat, but i still can't help but miss 'em.

[Doc4]

Living the dream. *sigh*


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1oWuFyryck

[Deltaboy]

I have not been alone that much since I got married.

[Argonaut]

I'm coming up on 20 years of marriage and five kids, and four dogs. I get jealous of Tom Hanks everytime I watch "Castaway". I always wonder "Why the Hell would he make that raft?":biggrin1:

[Kentos]

To get away from Wilson...

[Bobtrumpet]

I'm coming up on 20 years of marriage and five kids, and four dogs. I get jealous of Tom Hanks everytime I watch "Castaway". I always wonder "Why the Hell would he make that raft?":biggrin1:

No B&B. Look at that beard!

[nannahill]

I always wonder "Why the Hell would he make that raft?":biggrin1:

To go postal on the dentist ...

[Blackbeard's Delight]

This is all too true... and now we have the scientific calculations to prove it! Well done sir!

I am coming up on a mini-alone time home vacation myself... the wife is leaving with the kids on a tuesday and returning friday. Which gives me 3 nights of freedom. Not too bad, and 2 nights are already planned out. BUT would it be bad to take a ~secret~ vacation day from work to enjoy sleeping in and having the house to myself for a full day?? I have a 4 year old and a 9 month old, been married almost 6 years. And the alone time doesn't come often!

I already started doing chores that could wind up on a 'honey-do' list... yesterday after work I trimmed the hedges and did other yard work. I have been spot cleaning stuff in the house. I want to enjoy every second that I can!

Lastly I will say the few times I have been home alone I have also found that I missed the family... seeing kids toys I kept expecting to see one of the boys turn the corner into the room or whatnot. That said I've had my share of days that I wished I was in a medically induced coma so I could have a moment's peace and quiet!

[oc_in_fw]

To get away from Wilson...
I have to admit, I choked up a bit when Winston fell off the raft.

[Rustonrazor]

This is all too true... and now we have the scientific calculations to prove it! Well done sir!

I am coming up on a mini-alone time home vacation myself... the wife is leaving with the kids on a tuesday and returning friday. Which gives me 3 nights of freedom. Not too bad, and 2 nights are already planned out. BUT would it be bad to take a ~secret~ vacation day from work to enjoy sleeping in and having the house to myself for a full day?? I have a 4 year old and a 9 month old, been married almost 6 years. And the alone time doesn't come often!

I already started doing chores that could wind up on a 'honey-do' list... yesterday after work I trimmed the hedges and did other yard work. I have been spot cleaning stuff in the house. I want to enjoy every second that I can!

Lastly I will say the few times I have been home alone I have also found that I missed the family... seeing kids toys I kept expecting to see one of the boys turn the corner into the room or whatnot. That said I've had my share of days that I wished I was in a medically induced coma so I could have a moment's peace and quiet!

Same for me. From time to time I have a few days alone. Coming up on 2 days of me time this week. The sleep experienced when my 3 year old is gone is hard to explain. It is about 2 winks away from a coma I think. Chores are being done this weekend so I won't have a list either.

[Argonaut]

I have to admit, I choked up a bit when Winston fell off the raft.
Dude...:a36:

[oc_in_fw]

Dude...:a36:
That doesn't happen to me usually, don't know why it did.

[Argonaut]

That doesn't happen to me usually, don't know why it did.
It's ok, you have a thing for balls, no shame in that.:biggrin1:

[retiredguns]

This is why I drink a bottle of Scotch about once every 7-8 years.

[BZiel]

Man, I wish I had seen this post earlier...I would have given you 20+ years of information on the same circumstances.

(Magnaplanar speakers, Kegerator, and a motion sensor at the driveway entrance....)

[Grumpy Typewriter]

Great post. Children don't necessarily have to be a factor to be married and experience the joys of a solo weekend. Been together with the LOTH for 20 years. She tends to go have 1 or 2 weekends away a year these past couple of years. There's a martini bar I'm quite fond of which generally gets a look in with a mate of mine. Regretabbly I seldom get through my DVD list. At my house the viewing of Asian films skyrockets. The dog enjoys these weekends too. She doesn't have to sleep in her crate and is allowed on the couch.

[Talltexan]

Excellent post! My mom has been gone previously one month came home for a week and has been gone four weeks taking care of her sister whom has Cancer of the colon. So it's just my dad and I and I've done all of that on your list (minus the power tools)! I'd love to see the same experiment done when your wife and son come home!

[oakeshott]

Family back from Vermont everything is status quo ante now. Momma was pleased with some of the projects I got done and recognized that the sweeping, furniture rearrangement and paperwork I did in her absence was my emotionally stunted way of telling her I missed and loved her.

I was thanked accordingly (insert winking/grinning emoticon here).