Getting Married in College

[AndrewWiggin]

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for three years now, and we plan on getting married, no doubts about anything really, but we're still in school. By the time we get out and have jobs, we will have dated for nearly five years.

Anyone get married in college? We keep talking about it, but I doubt we'd be able to, neither one of us has the money to be able to manage that, and I cannot seem to find a job anyway. I suppose that we could try and rely on our parents supporting us but that's lame. Nothing says leaving your father and mother like still taking their money right?

This was more of a rant than anything else. Thank you.

[my19]

Andrew, I got married just after my sophomore year in college. My then-wife didn't go to school, so we lived off the unemployment check from her summer job and lived in very basic married-student housing (the rent, including utilities, was $50 a month, but this was 35 years ago). Looking back, things worked out ok.

But I still wouldn't encourage it. We didn't hit up the folks for help, so we were broke -- broke enough that putting gas in the car was a big deal; that our idea of entertainment was a walk down Main Street to window shop. Sure, that builds character, but it was a big change for both of us. And when you're married, well, you're different from your friends. So your social life changes.

Bottom line: I'd say wait until you graduate and land jobs and have some decent income and resources. Two years really isn't a long time.

But either way, good luck ...

[azmark]

Tough to recommend any kind of advice when it comes to life choices. One thing though that I'm sure many would agree on is that even if you wait after college there will events happening in your life that will make you want to think if it's the right opportunity. Maybe one of you will be starting your careers and maternity may hinder advancements or the climb to the top will begin and marriage or even children may be placed on hold.

Best advice I can give is just do what makes you two better people and use one another to get through the tough times.

Good luck!

[rth97601]

I got married in grad school, to another student (both getting English PhDs). I know it's a bit different in many ways, but the basics are the same: no money for a wedding (we did it at the courthouse); no stable employment (adjunct teaching jobs, living semester to semester, generally making only 30-40k/year altogether); and no stable community (when, and if, one or the other of us finds full-time academic work, we'll almost certainly be moving somewhere else). We're also a long way from family, and certainly can expect no significant financial assistance.

To top it off, we went and had us a wee baby just a couple months ago ... and my dissertation is still only half done, while hers is barely begun.

In many ways it was foolish, but I've never been happier, and I have no regrets. A major factor in our decision-making process, however, was age--we were in our later 20s when we married, and are now in our early 30s. We might not have made the same decisions if we'd gotten together as
(younger) undergraduates.

Lots of things are do-able, if you really want it and are willing to put in the effort (and perhaps build a little character). Still ... your clock's not ticking quite the way ours were ... is there really any need to rush?

Take Care, and Good Luck,

ryan

[TimmyBoston]

I have never been married so please take my advice with a grain of salt, but I strongly recommend you wait. What' the rush, a good friend of mine just got engaged, he and his girlfriend has been together for 8 years they began dating when he was 20. He waited to get engaged until he was financially stable. IMO, that's the best way.

Additionally, this is nothing against your girlfriend but you view the world very differently as you get closer to 30 than you did when you were 20. There is no rush for you to get married, so why do it now? There are a lot of downsides and no upsides. You don't need to break up by any means, but if its not broken don't fix it.

[Crazy Dave]

I was 13 years old when I met my wife to be. We were friends for decades; we started dating when I was in my late 30's and got married when I was in my early 40's. We have been married 9 years and I could not be happier. When it is the right time, you will know it, but don't do anything until it is the right time!

Dave

[rickboone1]

My vote is don't do it. Not now. Not later. Is there anything more that will come to be from a piece of paper? Other than the fact that she can now take half of your assets. And heaven forbid you be a "man" and support her during the marriage, then you pay alimony. Oh, and all that is based on your potential earnings. So, they will look at your degree choice, etc. I see no point in marriage. 100 percent of divorces started with marriage. I got married in school. Never finished my degree... Life happens.

[mmack66]

My vote is don't do it. Not now. Not later. Is there anything more that will come to be from a piece of paper? Other than the fact that she can now take half of your assets. And heaven forbid you be a "man" and support her during the marriage, then you pay alimony. Oh, and all that is based on your potential earnings. So, they will look at your degree choice, etc. I see no point in marriage. 100 percent of divorces started with marriage. I got married in school. Never finished my degree... Life happens.

Well, at least you are not bitter.

[Venom8431]

IMHO, I would not get married until you can stand on your own two feet. A little help is one thing, but to outright rely on either set of parents is not a good situation to be in. I have a buddy that just got married right out of college who cannot get a job and is forced to live in his father-in-law's basement; he's not too happy.

[Venom8431]

My vote is don't do it. Not now. Not later. Is there anything more that will come to be from a piece of paper? Other than the fact that she can now take half of your assets. And heaven forbid you be a "man" and support her during the marriage, then you pay alimony. Oh, and all that is based on your potential earnings. So, they will look at your degree choice, etc. I see no point in marriage. 100 percent of divorces started with marriage. I got married in school. Never finished my degree... Life happens.

Marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper. I'm sorry you obviously had a bad experience, but don't outright tell someone to never get married. When done between the right people marriage enriches a relationship because it is a spiritual and physical commitment to another person. I've known my wife for five years now and despite some rocky moments in that short time, know that I would die for her. I've never had to second guess the fact that she would do the same for me.

Divorce is an ugly thing only if people want it to be. I've had friends with divorced parents that went quickly and smoothly and others that were the exact opposite.

Marriage woes are not caused by the institution of marriage, but by the people within it. Granted, being married does present it's challenges, but the right two people can get through those whether it be money, work, family, or any other problems. As I said, I'm sorry your marriage ended badly, but you're outright denouncement of marriage is very offensive to me. Marriage, generally is work, but it's work that's worth the trouble. I honestly will go through all the trials marriage has to offer because when all is said and done, my wife and I will be closer to each other in the end. Obviously, one or both of you weren't holding up to your end of the bargain.

That really is the best thing that has come out of my marriage; everyday I love my wife more than the last. Even when I'm angry with her, deep down I would still do anything for her. Again, I can safely say she would do the same for me. That is not an assumption. No matter what the situation, my wife and I have always had each others backs covered.

[WhosYerBob]

I got married exactly two weeks after graduating from college to the woman I'd dated for the previous three years. What a mistake. She was completely different outside of the school environment and had unrealistic expectations as to how a marriage was to work. After five years of her sitting on her can and not doing anything, I discovered she was having an affair with the truck driver across the hall from us. That brought a crashing end to our marriage.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd wait for a year or more after graduating before getting married.

[azmark]

Marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper. I'm sorry you obviously had a bad experience, but don't outright tell someone to never get married. When done between the right people marriage enriches a relationship because it is a spiritual and physical commitment to another person. I've known my wife for five years now and despite some rocky moments in that short time, know that I would die for her. I've never had to second guess the fact that she would do the same for me.

Divorce is an ugly thing only if people want it to be. I've had friends with divorced parents that went quickly and smoothly and others that were the exact opposite.

Marriage woes are not caused by the institution of marriage, but by the people within it. Granted, being married does present it's challenges, but the right two people can get through those whether it be money, work, family, or any other problems. As I said, I'm sorry your marriage ended badly, but you're outright denouncement of marriage is very offensive to me. Marriage, generally is work, but it's work that's worth the trouble. I honestly will go through all the trials marriage has to offer because when all is said and done, my wife and I will be closer to each other in the end. Obviously, one or both of you weren't holding up to your end of the bargain.

That really is the best thing that has come out of my marriage; everyday I love my wife more than the last. Even when I'm angry with her, deep down I would still do anything for her. Again, I can safely say she would do the same for me. That is not an assumption. No matter what the situation, my wife and I have always had each others backs covered.

:thumbup:

[curtis909]

Everyone should have a prenup....:laugh:

[GFlanagan3]

Everyone should have a prenup....:laugh:

like that famous one of the late Farrah Fawcett? 77248

[CJayhawk]

As someone who was just recently married, I feel like I can come at this with a little bit of perspective. I started dating my wife when I was 18, and we didn't get married until I was 25. She wanted to get married when we were 19. I wanted to get married when we were 40.

The one thing I can say (and repeat, as it has been said before) is that if we would have married while we were both in school in our early 20s, we would probably have divorced somewhere along the line. You have to know when the time was right. I never thought I was going to get there (Roughly 140% of the marriages in my family have ended in divorce, so I am not a huge fan of marriage) but I eventually wanted it to happen. The timing will eventually feel right.

I never thought it would happen, but now she knows she's stuck with me until she finally gets up the stones to kill me.

[azmark]

I never thought it would happen, but now she knows she's stuck with me until she finally gets up the stones to kill me.

Im just afraid my wife will use stones to kill me when she sees I bought another brush from Tony at Penworks:a15:

[john.crissman]

I got married while I was in college. Honestly, it was hard. I was paying for school, so I ended up working more and more and prolonging my degree. Eventually I did graduate, but it was difficult. Yet, I love my wife and I am happy we married when we did. My career suffered, but for me it is a fair trade off.

That is just my story, not advice.

So here is my advice... Get pre-marital counseling from a professional. And don't allow a religious leader to perform your ceremony unless this is also their advice.

[chainfire]

So here is my advice... Get pre-marital counseling from a professional. And don't allow a religious leader to perform your ceremony unless this is also their advice.

Definitely agree with this. If nothing else, counseling will at least point out some areas you may not have thought of on your own.

If you completely decide against premarital counseling, at the very least try to talk about some of the major life decisions you're likely to contend with over the next few years. Live in the City or Country? Kids or not?
Dog v Cat? Paper v Plastic?

Talk it over with your folks as well, they may have more insight than you give them credit for as well. :wink:

[airplanedoc]

I have no idea, because i don't have that experience, but something to consider is how will being married affect your and her financial aid, college work program if any etc. Some of the others here might be able to give you more insight into this , but it is something I would definately check into, to help you make a informed decision.


I have a buddy who got married and had a kid in College. It definately prolonged both of their educations, but I just spoke to him a few weeks ago and his daughet is not 12 he and his wife a re happier than ever and have a great life.

[AndrewWiggin]

There's a lot more hostility to marriage and religion than I thought there'd be...

Anyway, we're going to get married, we're going to be married in the church, etc. We'll do pre marital counseling through our church, and we've talked about the range of married things (kids, pets, houses, cities to live in, crazy relatives). It's not like I've arrived to marriage on a whim, just getting married in college is kind of the impulse...

At any rate, right now it all looks like we'll be married very soon after we graduate, assuming one of us has a job (which doesn't look to be a certainty...). It definitely heartens me to hear about people who are happily married and got an early start; I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, but man I would be a lot happier if we were on our own.

As to my general "rush": I've met the person I want to marry and I don't see a reason to postpone being together once we're somewhat independent.

[AndrewWiggin]

Ha! I just got on facebook and there's an ad that explains I could get a $10,000 scholarship if I'm a dad. Apparently I need to get married and have kids (I'm sure that would end well).

[datzc]

Go for it. We got married the day after she graduated from college. I had 3 more years, so we lived off her salary (10K a year) and my part-time job (4K) along with loans. So we started dating at age 16, married at age 21, and are still married 25 years later.

[richmondesi]

Well, I was married after my sophomore year and my wife transferred to Baylor U from Texas A&M to be with me. We dated for 2 years prior to that and we had known each other significantly longer. I played college baseball and she worked at a clinic, and we had a wonderful experience. Sometimes it was tough, but I feel very much at peace with our decision. We both finished our degrees, we didn't have kids until after we were out of school, and we are 9 1/2 years into a wonderful marriage.

My best friend and his girlfriend of 6 years went off to school and waited to get married until after they graduated and got good careers and were both established. Within 2 years, they were divorced. ~shrug~

My wife's cousin dated a guy for 7 years, and they had it all planned out. He was going to get his career going, build a house, and when he had $X in the bank, they would get married. Once all of those milestones came, they broke up. ~shrug~

There's really no "right" way to do it. This is between you and her and pay no attention to what any of us say. Only you guys know what's right for you. One word of advice that you may choose to ignore: If you guys do decide to get married, do it for the right reasons. For my wife and I, divorce isn't really an option because we really committed to each other. We went into it knowing that we would make significant personal sacrifices in order to make each other happy. I gave up a career in professional baseball because I thought it was in the best interest of my family... I don't regret any of my sacrifices. It really sucks that so many people have bad experiences with marriage, but when it works well, it's really good.

[AndrewWiggin]

Well, I was married after my sophomore year and my wife transferred to Baylor U from Texas A&M to be with me. We dated for 2 years prior to that and we had known each other significantly longer. I played college baseball and she worked at a clinic, and we had a wonderful experience. Sometimes it was tough, but I feel very much at peace with our decision. We both finished our degrees, we didn't have kids until after we were out of school, and we are 9 1/2 years into a wonderful marriage.

My best friend and his girlfriend of 6 years went off to school and waited to get married until after they graduated and got good careers and were both established. Within 2 years, they were divorced. ~shrug~

My wife's cousin dated a guy for 7 years, and they had it all planned out. He was going to get his career going, build a house, and when he had $X in the bank, they would get married. Once all of those milestones came, they broke up. ~shrug~

There's really no "right" way to do it. This is between you and her and pay no attention to what any of us say. Only you guys know what's right for you. One word of advice that you may choose to ignore: If you guys do decide to get married, do it for the right reasons. For my wife and I, divorce isn't really an option because we really committed to each other. We went into it knowing that we would make significant personal sacrifices in order to make each other happy. I gave up a career in professional baseball because I thought it was in the best interest of my family... I don't regret any of my sacrifices. It really sucks that so many people have bad experiences with marriage, but when it works well, it's really good.

I feel like the "get the job, get stable, then get married" plan is a "let me accomplish everything I want to accomplish, and then I can get around to you" plan. That's kind of why I'm thinking about going ahead and doing this now; I don't want to end up with this idea that I have to get everything done before getting married.

Then again, I don't even have the cash to get the ring yet... I find that I've replaced my normal RAD with a new RAD, because it's a disorder to spend this much money on a ring:biggrin1:

[TimmyBoston]

I feel like the "get the job, get stable, then get married" plan is a "let me accomplish everything I want to accomplish, and then I can get around to you" plan. That's kind of why I'm thinking about going ahead and doing this now; I don't want to end up with this idea that I have to get everything done before getting married.


No it's called the "Be prepared for real life" plan.

[cthip]

i can provide some perspective from somebody who got married about four years ago (straight out of college after dating for 3 years prior to that).

to put it bluntly--EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE. that's neither a good or a bad thing, it's just part of life. no matter how "mature" you are now, you will continue to grow, change, and mature further through your twenties--maybe even more drastically than you did while in college. as you continue to grow and change, you won't be able to force yourself to grow in a way that is compatible with your significant other, and you certainly won't be able to make her change in a way that's compatible with you--life just pulls in too many different directions. my wife and i often laugh about how much we've changed since we've been married, and we can hardly believe how much we've changed since we started dating--it's like we were completely different people back then.

it's probably pure dumb luck (or maybe "meant-to-be") that my wife and i happened to grow in the same direction these past few years. we're happier than ever, but also thankful because we realize that things could have just as easily gone the other way. had we grown apart through our twenties we could have EASILY found ourselves divorced, or even worse, married and miserable. let me reiterate--no matter how much the two of you WANT to grow together, there's no way that you can guarantee that it will happen. you can only hope.

so ask yourselves, do you have enough information about what will happen in the future to make you confident about entering into a life-long commitment right now? i don't mean to be cynical--i took that gamble and it worked out great for me, but the truth is it was always a gamble. there's no way that you can predict what will happen to the two of you over the next ten years, and more importantly, how each of you will feel about the things that happen.

i vote for take your time and enjoy the ride--if you two are committed to each other already there's really not much that would be improved by getting married right now. coming from somebody who got married young and has had an awesome four years of marriage so far--there's really no reason to rush into it.

[richmondesi]

"Be prepared for real life plan"? Really? :glare:

[Venom8431]

There's a lot more hostility to marriage and religion than I thought there'd be...

Anyway, we're going to get married, we're going to be married in the church, etc. We'll do pre marital counseling through our church, and we've talked about the range of married things (kids, pets, houses, cities to live in, crazy relatives). It's not like I've arrived to marriage on a whim, just getting married in college is kind of the impulse...

At any rate, right now it all looks like we'll be married very soon after we graduate, assuming one of us has a job (which doesn't look to be a certainty...). It definitely heartens me to hear about people who are happily married and got an early start; I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, but man I would be a lot happier if we were on our own.

As to my general "rush": I've met the person I want to marry and I don't see a reason to postpone being together once we're somewhat independent.

While I disagree with your timing, I wish you two the best and hope that you have a very long, happy marriage together.

[AndrewWiggin]

i can provide some perspective from somebody who got married about four years ago (straight out of college after dating for 3 years prior to that).

to put it bluntly--EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE. that's neither a good or a bad thing, it's just part of life. no matter how "mature" you are now, you will continue to grow, change, and mature further through your twenties--maybe even more drastically than you did while in college. as you continue to grow and change, you won't be able to force yourself to grow in a way that is compatible with your significant other, and you certainly won't be able to make her change in a way that's compatible with you--life just pulls in too many different directions. my wife and i often laugh about how much we've changed since we've been married, and we can hardly believe how much we've changed since we started dating--it's like we were completely different people back then.

it's probably pure dumb luck (or maybe "meant-to-be") that my wife and i happened to grow in the same direction these past few years. we're happier than ever, but also thankful because we realize that things could have just as easily gone the other way. had we grown apart through our twenties we could have EASILY found ourselves divorced, or even worse, married and miserable. let me reiterate--no matter how much the two of you WANT to grow together, there's no way that you can guarantee that it will happen. you can only hope.

so ask yourselves, do you have enough information about what will happen in the future to make you confident about entering into a life-long commitment right now? i don't mean to be cynical--i took that gamble and it worked out great for me, but the truth is it was always a gamble. there's no way that you can predict what will happen to the two of you over the next ten years, and more importantly, how each of you will feel about the things that happen.

i vote for take your time and enjoy the ride--if you two are committed to each other already there's really not much that would be improved by getting married right now. coming from somebody who got married young and has had an awesome four years of marriage so far--there's really no reason to rush into it.

But you aren't saying you made no effort to stay together, right? I think you're right about things changing, but I don't see how you have zero control about how each of you grows.

[cthip]

But you aren't saying you made no effort to stay together, right? I think you're right about things changing, but I don't see how you have zero control about how each of you grows.

of course we worked at (and continue to work at) understanding and accommodating each other--i just left that part out since i assume that's a given for anybody considering marriage. she's definitely stuck by me through some really tough times and i continue to try to be the best guy that i can be for her.

the point i was trying to make is that there are some differences that two people can never overcome. you haven't encountered any of those yet, but there are some things that you don't yet know about yourself, or about her, that you'll only really know after you've lived in the "real world" for a few years. when i say that we were lucky, i just mean that none of those unexpected changes were real deal-breakers for us.

i can give some more specific examples of things that surprisingly changed since we've been married, i'd just prefer not to have our whole life story out on display. shoot me a msg or something if you'd like

[Jim]

While I would never presume to give advice about such a personal matter, I would observe that you felt compelled to ask what other thought about the idea.That could be a symptom of doubt in your thoughts. You may want to speak to a trained counselor to explore this reticence before proceeding.

Best of luck to you.

[KarthVader]

My vote is don't do it. Not now. Not later. Is there anything more that will come to be from a piece of paper? Other than the fact that she can now take half of your assets. And heaven forbid you be a "man" and support her during the marriage, then you pay alimony. Oh, and all that is based on your potential earnings. So, they will look at your degree choice, etc. I see no point in marriage. 100 percent of divorces started with marriage. I got married in school. Never finished my degree... Life happens.

This. Lately, I've been feeling the same way. I don't see the point in marriage anymore. If you feel the urge to get married, I would wait till you and the SO have stable careers. Is living together an option? Good luck, I'm sure you'll make the best decision.

[Dryden]

There's a lot more hostility to marriage and religion than I thought there'd be...

Anyway, we're going to get married, we're going to be married in the church, etc. We'll do pre marital counseling through our church, and we've talked about the range of married things (kids, pets, houses, cities to live in, crazy relatives). It's not like I've arrived to marriage on a whim, just getting married in college is kind of the impulse...

At any rate, right now it all looks like we'll be married very soon after we graduate, assuming one of us has a job (which doesn't look to be a certainty...). It definitely heartens me to hear about people who are happily married and got an early start; I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, but man I would be a lot happier if we were on our own.

As to my general "rush": I've met the person I want to marry and I don't see a reason to postpone being together once we're somewhat independent.

I got married at the ripe old age of 21, my wife was 19. It's been the best choice we've ever made. Many people didn't give us much of a chance being so young and the circumstances. We've had our ups and downs, come close to calling it quits, worked through our troubles and come out on top stronger than before.

Things definitely change when you get married, but as long as you both do your best to keep the other's best interests at heart, things seem to work(at least for us!:001_smile)

[BEAR DEN]

I've been hapily married for going on 22 years...as was already posted the only thing that is 100 percent is THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE...good, bad or ugly it is a fact! My best friend in college got married and had 3 daughters. The first one passesd away when she was 8. The second one is fine and the 3rd has a terminal illness at the age of 9. They were a perfect couple by everybodys standard. I have never experienced pressure like that...but that type of change unfortunately ended what seemingly was a perfect marriage. Marriage has been fantastic to me and for me! Just don't kid yourself at all...SHE HAS MADE PLANS THAT YOU ARE NOT AWARE OF...FACT! :biggrin:

[Jasonian]

We decided to wait until school was out of the picture. We got married at the end of this past summer, and we had been together for about seven years before that.

Marriage only makes what's already there more "official" for everyone else. I'm glad we waited, but at the same time, it's kind of frustrating when your relationship of 5 years isn't taken as seriously as someone who has been married for six months equaling a 1 year total time of duration for their entire relationship.

But, still, I'd suggest waiting. Just my $.02.

[Amer]

It's different strokes for different folks.

My best friend and his wife got married the summer before our junior year of college, and she was a year behind us. They had dated for about 3 years and since they were going to the same school, they did the math and realized it would be cheaper if they were both married and living in married student housing. Obviously this was not the only reason they got married, but they figured they were eventually and they might as well do it now.

Of course, I'm not sure how much cheaper it was as they both had to get jobs, either in town or on campus, to help pay for things where as previously it was being covered by parents and scholarships.

They also had the often bummer when the rest of us would go out to party or drink and one of them couldn't come because of work, etc. I don't think college marriage really exposes you to all of the responsibilities you'll have once you get out in the "real world", but you really do get a lot of weight on your shoulders. And there's always a buildup of resentment when your wife is sitting working on campus and you're hanging out with your buds having a good time, no matter how cool your wife is...and even if she says it's cool for you to do so. Things like this, not even going out, but things like playing games and other hobbies you have that you'd spend a lot of time doing when you're single and dating suddenly take a back seat in marriage. This is especially hard in college where certain hobbies (drinking, games, partying, movies, etc.) are easy to do with the copious amounts of down time you might have. It's kind of hard to switch gears like that once you're in the "college rhythm". Just know that it's a trade off and that for every night you do something fun for yourself you'll have to make it up to her someway another night. My bud hanging out with us too much really hurt their marriage for a few months just because he got into the habit of it cause she was working. Eventually he'd hang out with us even if she wasn't working and that's where problems start.

Then came the year we all graduated, except for my buddy's wife, and he had to stay down there working for a year while the rest of us moved back to our hometown.

Anyway, I was going to contrast this to my wife and I, who waited until after college to get married, but it doesn't really compare. We were in separate cities so we couldn't really get married unless one of us transferred. The only thing I can tell you from my experience, which another poster already stated, is: She has a plan, even if she doesn't tell you.

I always told my wife we'd get married after I graduated (she was ahead of me). It seemed like the day I received my diploma the only question I heard from her was "I thought we were getting married?". Before we got married we talked about kids and both agreed we wanted to wait a while after getting married. Less than a year later we started trying, before I even realized it was happening. It's important to clarify these things with your girlfriend before making any life plans. Just make sure you're on the same definition of things and you'll be fine.

To conclude, both my buddy and I are in great marriages now. We both have bought our first houses and both are trying to have kids. Same place, but we got there totally different. You just have to do what's right for you.